Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A whole day wasted…

The one thing I detest about the medicine I take is that all of it makes me drowsy. My pain pills, muscle relaxers, depression pills, and even my antihistamine which was prescribed to help with panic attacks (apparently there is something in it that helps with that). I’ve done pretty well with all of them together even without the help of caffeine to keep me awake but not today. No, today I am in so much pain that I had to take two of the pain and muscle relaxer pills (both of which are extremely low dose). The result was me curled up on the sofa sleeping all day.

There is also another thing I hate about my medicine, the pain and muscle relaxers in particular. I hate that they wear off so soon leaving behind the part that makes me drowsy and a couple hours of pain before I can safely take the next round of medication. So, I’m pretty much useless and useless doesn’t fly in my parents’ house, at least not for me.   

I have also spent the entire day, at least the minutes spent awake, extremely depressed and fighting panic attacks. There are several reasons why I’m so very depressed and many that give me cause to panic and I’m almost certain that if my back weren’t bothering me, I would and could handle it all much better and be able to pick myself up and get on with what needs to be done. But with my back bothering me and something or someone bringing me a new issue everyday or dropping their shit on me, I just can’t handle it.

My therapist, yes, I see a therapist because I need a place to go and talk to someone objective and not influenced by this person or that person, says that she has complete faith that I will get through this difficult time. She said that every time things get really bad I always find some way to keep going and to come out a little better than I was before. It’s really nice to have someone, a stranger no less, have faith in me where I can’t seem to find any. Still, as nice as it is, it’s not quite having the same effect as it has in the past. This time I really up shit creek without a paddle and the shit-water is boiling in it so I can’t just slip out of the boat and swim to shore.

I’ve thought about each problem and tried to find solutions for each one. For some there really aren’t any solutions that will work in my favor but I’ve tried to see the positive in each one. However, one of my largest problems ties in with another. My back and school.

ITT Tech is huge on attendance and I agree with them. I want to be there, I want to be in class. I would be there if I could but physically I can’t. So my grades have dropped. I’ve lost honors status which really upsets me. I know I can get it back but not this quarter. I am probably going to fail at least one class if not two. It’s not for lack of me trying. I’ve been playing catch up and reading my text books, and such all quarter but it’s no seeming to do me any good, except in one class. And the department chair of my department doesn’t seem to grasp the situation despite the fact that when I am barely able to make it, I take a pillow to sit on so I have some relief and I can’t stand up straight much less walk without being bent over.

I have spoken with him about my back. I have really struggled through my classes which are four hours long, to not only be there but to stay the entire time. But I am in so much pain it is very hard to concentrate, still I try.

Today I wasn’t able to make it. Today he called and more or less chewed me out. Tomorrow I have to call him back because tonight I just can’t deal with him. Tonight, I need to rest and try not to think about everything.  Hopefully, when I sleep again, I won’t have any nightmares. I’ve been having a lot lately.   

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