I need to vent because I'm going nuts.

I'm still looking for a job. That task hasn't been easy nor has it been fruitful and frankly it looks pretty bleak. But that hasn't stopped me from looking. I've even applied at Suite 101 just so I could have a little money coming in to help. It's been well over a week and while their website says application are reviewed within 24hrs, my application status is still blank. So I pretty much gave up on them.

On top of that and all the bills that we are struggling pay, I dropped my cell phone in the toilet, thought it was dried out enough, put it back together and promptly fried it. So I am borrowing my mother's cell phone but put my sim card in it. The only problem with that is that my sim card doesn't want to give up the phone book numbers I have plugged into it therefore I don't know who is calling when they call. And since I am getting calls from collections for my hospital bills... I'm never sure who it is that is calling.

Stressful as all of that was, we had to borrow money from Sko's parents to help us so we can at least get enough groceries to survive on. My parent's paid off the rest of my car and lo and behold it decided to start acting up. Sko's car still isn't fixed so we've been running on one car and barely been able to afford the gas to put in it to keep it going. So when she called me told me that it was smoking and smelled like it was burning and a couple of other things and she didn't think it was safe to drive it home and now I have to get my parents to let me borrow their truck to go get her... *Screams and banks head on desk*

Oh and the beauty of it all is that both my parents are telling me to calm down. How the hell am I supposed to calm down when I've been panicking every day, felt so horrible and useless, don't even know what to do anymore, and feel so guilty terrible that they have had to help me so much and Sko's parents have been helping too and it's just... I mean I don't even know what to do anymore and I'm about to go crazy with all of these emotions flying around and switching back and forth. They just want me to be all calm and collected about everything, like this isn't a big deal. It IS a big deal because it's more money that I know they don't have that they will have to shell out to help me again.

Worse, I was going to try and do NaNoWrMo next month and I don't even think that I'll be able to settle down and clear my head enough to produce anything.

The whole reason I quit working at OLC was so I didn't have to live in a constant state of fear and panic and dread. But it's almost as if I didn't quit, just different circumstances and environment.

There, I vented.

Being a fat girl isn't easy in the job market.

You might be wondering why there is a painting of a woman above. There is a point.

Today started out much like any day. I went through my somewhat haphazard routine of dressing, fussing with my hair, feeding the cats, deciding whether or not I would put on make up, and picking up the house. Normally I wouldn't be in a rush but today I had things to do, one of which was to drive over to the nearest Walgreen's and complete the next step in my application process. So, after about a hour, I was ready to go.

When I arrived, I was taken to a back office by one of the ladies in the photo department. She got the computer nice and ready for me and let me be to take the skill assessment. Aside from missing the first question and feeling like an idiot for it, the assessment was straight forward and quick. Next step on the directions for me to follow was to find a store manager.

The store manager was found in record time and he seemed like a nice enough guy except for the tell tale sign that I knew I would never be hired there. Every time I go into a place for an interview or check on an application I watch the managers. In my experience if they do the "elevator eyes" and give me some brush off quick answer, I know I will not be considered. This man did exactly that. He looked me over up and down, said they hired on a need basis and walked away. For my part of it, I left the store in a hurry to take a deep breath in my car before I screamed.

In the near ten years I have been in and out of the work force, I haven't had as much trouble finding a job as I have in the last few years. Sure the bad economy plays a part and the fact that it's the employer's market adds to the problem but there is another reason. I am an overweight female. It doesn't matter how nice I dress, if I wear make up or fix my hair, the first thing an employer is looking at are not my qualifications, job history, ect... They see my weight and my gender.

Point of fact, a few years ago I was hired at a deli chain at $5.50 an hour. Two months later my cousin, who is skinnier, more attractive (despite her rat face), and has a larger chest was hired on at $6.00. She had less work history and was a high school drop out. While working for this company I subjected to harassment from one of the managers about my weight, how he was "going to whip me into shape" and how I was "slower" than the rest of the workers. Upset by the constant harassment and learning that another manager had to fight him for the raises I was due from passing my certifications, I quit. I worked just as hard if not harder than the rest of the employees. I was trained in several positions and did each one every shift I worked.

Now not all managers are like that and not all of them give me the elevator eyes. I have met some really nice managers who might look me over, but actually engage in conversation, try to get a feel for who I am, what I am like and what not even if it's just for a few minutes, and those managers always promise to look over my application and get back to me. Sometimes they do sometimes they don't, either way, they gave me the time of day.

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about how society has changed in its view of women. During the Renaissance or middle ages having a fat wife or daughter(s) was a good thing. It meant the man was providing for his family and was wealthy enough to do so. It was a status symbol and fat women were thought as beautiful. Where as today, fat women are generally viewed as pigs and ugly. Skinny, thin, toned, or athletic women are prized and sought after. Thin women get ahead in society, they have a better chance at getting a job, finding a man, and being treated better.

Personally I don't think it should matter whether or not you are fat or thin but it does. Especially now with the 'being healthy' or 'being thin is beautiful' craze is going on. But does anyone ever stop to look at what people, especially women are doing to themselves to achieve this ideal look? People are hurting themselves, emotionally, mentally, and physically and worse they are miserably scrambling to meet society's standards.

I admit, I am one of those miserable fat females who wishes even for a second that the issue of which color of dress or which dress to wear on a date was the most pressing part of an evening out. Shopping for clothing is a nightmare. Trying clothes on is disappointing because you see something you really like but it won't fit right or its too small and there isn't a size bigger. Or worse, they just don't have anything in your size and anything you do try on is far too tight for any sense of modesty and propriety.

Sure there are diets out there, crash diets, pills,medical procedures, books but none of them really work. Mostly because people are more miserable on the diets, pills, and diet guide books than they were when they were eating what they wanted and they all cost exorbitant amounts of money. If you're poor, you just can't afford that stuff much less to eat "healthy". When you're poor you have to plan and make food that lasts.

Now in my case, yes, I am poor. My house hold would rank on the poverty level. So that means that I have a limited amount of grocery spending money. I don't get food stamps or assistance. However, I do my best to make well rounded meals, I've tried cutting out sweet and starches, things that are known to keep people fat. I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit and meat. Still I find myself fat and not losing. In fact in the last few weeks I've gained weight, which is interesting since I haven't really had a lot available to eat.

Have I tried exercise, you bet. I have a nice pond that I walk around occasionally, when I feel up to it and my allergies aren't bothering me too much to do so. I was swimming nearly every day in the indoor pool at my apartment complex. However they seemed to have closed the pools since the school year stared. Also, I have a set of stairs that I go up and down several times a day. But I can't afford to get a membership at a health club. I can't afford the YMCA. So what am I supposed to do and why can't people understand that?

More importantly, why can't people look beyond themselves, look beyond what society deems "beautiful", and look beyond how a person looks and give them a chance.

Silly me, long day...

This morning was not a good morning but then again morning and I haven't seen eye to eye for several years now. However, things got progressively better. I ended up going to my cousin's house for the second evening in a row to hang out with my cousin, Aunt, and Uncle. It was fun for the most part, I wasn't by myself. Shi-chan and I watch the first disk of Vampire Diaries, season one. I also tried to help out with their evening babysitting of my other cousin's kid, who as it turns out, has some kind of worm in her stomach. No, not a tape worm, this is something that apparently is common in children, and said worm makes it so she loses weight and doesn't want to eat anything. So the kid is on a medication that's supposed to be killing it.

Things were very chaotic over there and while I was a little sad to leave, I am happy to be in the quite of my own living room.

Speaking of my living room... I have been watching Kuroshitsuji or Black Butler. So far I really like it and adore Sebastian.

And now I am going to post this because I am exhausted and I'm feeling queasy not to mention can't really focus at the moment.

Oh and the silly me part... I accidentally started following myself on here. I don't know how I did it and probably won't exert any extra energy tonight to figure out how to un-follow myself until tomorrow or later.

Two Issues: Part Two: Some Days Kansas Sucks!

Recently, when over at my parents house, I grabbed their mail for them. Sometimes there is still the occasional letter or bill for me sent to them, so I tend to look through it just to make certain nothing came for me. However, there was something that made me just about blow my top.

Apparently the rule in the American Constitution under Amendment 2 is up for debate, as in they want to do away with the right to vote for anyone who has a 'mental illness'. As in anyone who has depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder ect... Will lose the right to vote unless enough people vote to keep our right. Yep, you guessed it, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am perfectly capable and intelligent enough to vote and share my opinion.

HOW DARE SOME JACK ASS POLITICIAN(S) TRY TO TAKE MY RIGHTS AWAY BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SO MINUSCULE AND INEFFECTUAL!

So come November 2nd I am driving down the the nearest voter's booth and putting in my vote to keep my right to vote. And if it turns out that not enough people vote and my rights are taken away, I'm going to start a petition stating:

"You took my right to vote away, I want compensation! If I can't vote then I don't have to work and you can support me for the rest of my life and give me the best health care for free!"

I bet there will be a lot of people jumping on that bandwagon. Since there are tons of American's who would rather sit on their asses doing what they want instead of working for a living.

Two Issues: Part One: Heat Demon

More years than I care to admit, as in over a decade ago don't make me specify, a good friend I was going to high school with told me I was a "Heat Demon". The bizarre reason being that sometimes my face, neck and shoulders heat up so much you can actually feel the heat radiating off my skin a good three to five inches away. It's subtle but still detectable. And the rest of me... Fine.

Well, I haven't had an instance like that in a good two years. However tonight my face, neck, shoulders, and even my back are so hot I have to wipe down with a cold, wet wash cloth. It's 54 degrees outside and we have the patio door open with a fan blowing on high to get some cold air on me so I can breathe. I'm not sweating and the rest of me is freezing but the places that are heated up are so hot my eyes are watering. Not sure why this is happening or how, it doesn't seem natural.

Thinking of taking to my doctor next time I see her if the problem persists.

Curl up

Today is my 3 year anniversary with Skoora. We went to wal-mart for cat litter, cat food, a few food supplies so I can make dinner tomorrow, and got a big cookie. We also went to Papa Murphy's for some pizza. Then we came home, played around on our respective computers for a little bit, talking and looking at things together, and made pizza. A little after we ate I dozed and Sko woke me to get me to go lay down in bed. The problem is, it's only now 9 pm and worse, I'm wide awake. My tummy is a little upset as well and I'm feeling a little depressed. I'm not sure why though, doesn't make much sense.

Well that's that.

I forgot to mention something in my last post...

It seems to strange that something like this would slip my mind or not be at least more prevalent in trains of thought... But perhaps I was focusing more on other things.

My Mom had a best friend while I was growing up and until recent years when said friend became a pill popping junkie and did some things that I won't mention, they were very good friends. Sadly, despite how angry we were with her and this outcome not being totally unexpected, she died from a drug over dose. She wasn't found until 24 hours after she'd died, alone, on the floor in her house last week. It was still a shock and it still stings and we are going to miss her. We might have been upset with her but it didn't keep us from caring for her and wondering if she was alright and what not. It wasn't that we wanted to cut her off, it was that if we didn't, she'd only find ways to take things from us to hurt herself.

On a lighter note, Amanda's cousin Bob flew down to Oklahoma to visit his girlfriend. Yesterday, they drove up for a visit and this is the first time in a year that we've gotten to see Bob. It's really nice. At the moment we're talking about magic cards.

Funk a Funk...

This week I've managed to make Pumpkin bread, two rounds of chicken stir fry (my own concoction), and now I am making a roast for dinner. And I just burnt the crap out of my tongue doing a brief taste test. The good news is, the roast tastes great.

Aside from cooking adventures in the kitchen, I've sort of slipped into a funk. I haven't been feeling too well lately and at first thought it was head cold. Now, I'm not so sure and don't have the foggiest idea of what's eating me. Of course not feeling well doesn't help with how utterly frustrated and surprisingly confused I've felt for the last several days. I find myself apologizing over and over again for the most minuscule things or getting angry over nothing. And shockingly enough my usual outlet of writing hasn't been the least bit helpful, leaving me with a profound feeling of helplessness and being stuck with no idea what to do or who to talk to about it. Stranger still, I feel like if I express my concerns or feelings, then I will somehow be in trouble.

Now that's just weird, I'm almost 27, I shouldn't have such childish notions in my head and yet they are there. Mix all of it together in the stew pot simmering in my head and I can't seem to settle down enough to even try to the most mundane of tasks without feeling guilty, upset, and horribly frustrated and trying to sit. Forget trying to lose myself in a story or a book for a moment or two and most certainly knock writing right out the window. It seems that for the moment, until I can suss out the issues and figure a way to deal with them, I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck in living limbo and to me, that is a terribly frightening place to be.

But everything will work out eventually and something really awesome will happen.

It has been awhile...

It has been some time since I last updated and several things have happened.

I quit my job at OLC GLobal.
I went to the funeral of a co-worker from OLC.
Amanda's birthday came and went.
I got voted into DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution). I will know if I am a member down the road since they have to check my ancestry but since my Grandmother is a member, well... It's a good bet that I will make it too.

And finally I got called by First Student for a bus driving position. I started unpaid training last Monday. Yes, UNPAID. I probably wouldn't mind the unpaid part if I hadn't had to have been up at 5 every morning to sit in a class room for 10 hours every day last week and learned what I did.

The first two days I was slammed with tons of information, all of which I had to memorize and learn by Wednesday. Wednesday I had to go to the DMV to take a CDL written test as well as test for passenger and school bus endorsements. Thursday we were supposed to go back for those who didn't pass the test and do bus familiarization. However, I was so exhausted and I think the Tuberculosis test they gave me made me sick. No, I don't have TB, but apparently I am allergic to the serum they injected me with. Friday I went back for most of the day to get the last day of class room training only to be told that I would have to come back this week to get what I missed Thrusday and take the class room test. I am also supposed to go tomorrow for CPR and First Aid certifications.

That all aside the really tricky part is after all the class room stuff is finished and my back ground check and physical come back alright, I have to wait for First Student to call me and schedule time to do on the bus training, which is unpaid as well. After which I have to go back to the DMV and take the driving CDL Driving test. If I should pass that, then I am once again in the waiting line for them to call me and give me a job. Should I fail any test I will not be employed.

It is all very frustrating and wears down on my nerves. I've had to borrow money from my parents and while they haven't complained, I hate doing it but I am doing everything I can. And to be safe, I was job hunting from home this morning. There wasn't anything hopeful at all. So I've spent most of the day depressed and battling a fever and runny nose.

The good news, Amanda and I finally have decent internet and she's passed most of the test for the post office. At least she's getting paid and looks to be employed soon.