2013: a year of quiet and constant fear. 2014: A year hoping for hope and happier things.

If I Only Knew by Zolaida @ deviant art

Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good stuff happen in 2013 and I've have a lot to be thankful for, that I am truly thankful for. But all of that becomes so easily overshadowed so much of the time.

Since it is still 2013 in my part of the world, I thought I would get this out so I can be rid of it before 2014 comes, sort of starting with a new slate per se.

2013 has been a long and very difficult year. I've lived in constant and quiet fear of many things. I've been terrified that I won't get the help I need especially since I swallowed my pride and am of the asking. I've been terrified to try and work because I've been fired from one job for poor health, quit another because they said I would get fired if I missed anymore days period, and had to drop out of college due to my health troubles. All that fed the ravenous beast of anxiety I've fought since I can remember.

Quite frankly, sometimes going to bloody the grocery store, depending on how many people are there and how close in proximity they get to me, can cause panic. The worst part was when I would be scared of people, people I had no reason to be scared of and it has often been confusing. Not in the, I've lost my head sort of way, but rather in the 'why am I afraid of this person, there is no reason for me to be and they haven't done anything to me to make me scared of them', sort of way. An example of this is that I typically tell my parents everything, both of them are two of my best friends and I'm having trouble having conversations with my Dad. There's stuff that I want to talk to him about but can't quite get the words out of my mouth.   

Along with being afraid during the last year I have lost some pretty important things. Some of my pride and dignity being a large part. When you have days where you can't walk very well much less take a shower on your own or go to them bathroom without assistance I suppose you lose some of that, especially since you used to be the one who tried to take care of other people as much as you could.

I feel that I have lost a sense of self and and worth. I can't clean the house very well (for a kid who fought having chores, I found cleaning my own house and friend's houses therapeutic as an adult), can't cook as much as I would like. My small accomplishments, things I can do or have learned to do don't seem to mean anything much at all. This is something unspoken but every day implied where I currently live. I just can't quite compare in anything on any level with anyone. It's been a bit disheartening. 

In all arenas the people I am around have made me feel like shit for expressing my opinions and ideals. They barrel over me in conversation, make me feel horrible for putting my foot down on something or when I've tried to. A lot of the time I've felt bullied into things I never wanted to do in the first place and in that I felt as though I've lost control of my life. I have to do what everyone else wants because it will make everyone else happier and I am too exhausted to argue and in the end a fight, argument, or manipulation will only end up with me losing and doing what others want anyway. It has gotten so bad that my mother has decreed that I need to move home and it's not because she wants me to (she does, she really misses me) but it's because she's so shocked at how beaten down I've become. The old me wouldn't have put up a quarter of this shit.

I've lost people to talk to, friends who don't even really know how bad things really are, because I don't want to be that friend that no one wants to talk to because everything is always negative and depressing. It hurts because I always listen and cheer everyone else along but push them away so they don't really have to deal with me when it's my turn, it's the same shit different day anyway. No one can fix it or help anything, so why get everyone else down, you know?

I've also lost time with two people very dear to me, my Grandparents. They are both in their mid 80s and Grandpa has Alzhimer's disease. I don't expect most of my friends to understand the kind kind of relationship I have with these two people, most of my friends don't have the kind of relationship I have with them. They are like a second set of parents. They took me places when my parents couldn't, spent time with me, taught me things and not just life lessons, but actually taught me. Grandpa was a Master Teacher/ Librarian and Grandma was a Teacher. So when I couldn't read very well, Grandma helped. Both of them taught me about the history of the places we went, where they grew up, they are the last of the WW2 generation and they both grew up during the dust bowl. Grandma taught me how to sew, I could really go on but the point is, they aren't going to live forever and I'm afraid I won't get back home before they are gone.  
                           
Lastly, I've lost hope that there is anything good left for me.  Because I am afraid that nothing will turn out right, and very little has, I'm too afraid to hope that I will get to the things I really need/want. In fact I wrote a couple of months ago about having a day where I lost hope entirely, where I was completely at peace with dying. That's terrifying! At least it is to me now, in that moment it wasn't.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue live so dangerously close to the edge. 2014 can't be like

2013 because I don't know that I would survive it or survive it intact. So, in lieu of resolutions, because I always break those, I'm going to make some small goals. I want to be happier. I want to talk to my friends. I want to do more things and focus on the things that make me happy and tell people 'no' when something doesn't or if I really don't want to do something. I am tried of feeling bitter and angry because people don't understand how exhausting a lot of things are and how much more taxing it is to pretend that I'm just fine. I want to be able to tell them enough is enough and be able to allow others to take care of me from time to time. I just really hope this all doesn't backfire in my face. There's a lot I still want to do, a lot I want to see, and I really want to feel lighter, more positive things in the coming year. 

                                                      

Post Christmas blues, failed plasma donation, and whatever else comes out.

My sewing machine

Over all I had a decent Christmas. There wasn't any family drama, it was quiet, and no one bothered me. I also made a nice dinner and promptly crashed on the sofa after eating it. I was so exhausted despite having made most of the food the night prior. Bonus: just about everything I got this year, is not only fun but useful!

That being said, one of the things I received was the sewing machine to the left. I have a sewing machine that was given to me by my Grandma but we can't make it work. So, Skoora bought me a replacement and it looks... like a challenge. I've never had one that was digital and from peeking at the manual today, I'm going to have at least a day of examination before I actually sewing anything on it. That's not a problem though, it just has to be within the net few days because I have to sew Skoora's reversible tote bag together. I finished the embroidery for both sides.

As to why I am feeling the post Christmas blues, well, I ran out of depression meds. I am also out of muscle relaxers and heart burn meds. *face palm* I haven't been in the best of moods today and it also didn't help that I awoke with a screaming migraine. (As it turns out, I am going to have to fluff this new pillow every night to get it just right as well.) My head hurt so terribly earlier that I blacked out my room and lay down with a cold, wet wash cloth on my forehead. I fell asleep but it didn't really help. I also didn't manage to get anything accomplished today except entering upcoming doctor's appointments into my new yearly planner.

this was only the first day

Skoora and I went to BioLife Plasma tonight to donate. I haven't been back since they blew out my vein on the 4th of July. The pic to the left was what my arm looked like when I got home. The next day, it looked so much worse and I decided that I was done donating plasma. Every time I've gone they've left bruises on me. I am worried about potential blood clots and infections. A nurse at my doctor's office actually told me she doesn't like them because the 'phlebotomists' there aren't really phlebotomists and that she had a guy come in from that place who got a staph infection due to a nurse not changing gloves between patients. Whether or not that is true or isn't, it still makes me a bit nervous.

However, Skoora is going to Boston for another residency for a couple of weeks and she doesn't get paid until after she is there. I need to have some money for gas and whatever medicine I need to pick up while she is gone. So she picked me up from home after she got off work and we drive all the way to BioLife to donate tonight only to find out that neither of us could. We have to have a physical. Being that I haven't had my depression meds today, I still have a migraine, and I was afraid that I would be able to donate because when I have a migraine my blood pressure goes up and they won't let me donate if it is too high, that just remembering how badly they blew my vein last time make me want to cry, AND we'd just basically wasted gas getting there, I was a bit pissed. I tried really hard not to show it though.

On to semi-happier things, last night, after I awoke from my nap on the sofa, I decided to look at kitchen items. It was too late to call my parents and try to do a google hang out with them being that it was after 10 pm here and after 12 am there, they live in the Midwest where as I live in the Pacific Northwest.

Anyway, I looked mainly at Wal-mart.com for baking dishes, silverware, and dishes. I made the mistake of giving our dishes away to one of my cousins before we moved up here. I wanted to do something nice for said cousin and Skoora and I were planning to get a nice set when we moved into our own place again. Two years later, we still don't have our own place and we still don't have any plates and I'm pretty sure my Mom confiscated my silverware. (Half of our things are still in my parent's basement and since I'm not there to use them, I don't mind my Mom having them. Far better she get some use out of them than they collect dust).  Actually, my Mom's been into my stuff more than that because she's borrowing my wall sconces and as much as I don't mind, it kind of makes me want to cry (not because of her).

And here is where I will log off because I don't really want to get into any of that. 

HAPPY YULE!

Happy Yuletide Greetings!

Skoora and I wish everyone a happy and healthy Yule! We hope that this holiday and the coming holidays and year are wonderful for you! 

We started our Yule festivities with a 4 am wake up hair ball from Yoda-Chan. Poor kitty got sick but he was on my pillow. I was able to move him from there but couldn't quite get him off the bed so we had a mess. Because of the disruption, and a small icky mess on my pillow, I had to do some quick changing of the bed and pillows. For some reason if I don't get my pillows just right or if I don't have the right ones fluffed the right way, I get the worst head ache the next morning. I think I am becoming the Princess from The Princess and the Pea. 

So, I awoke with a headache this morning, had to toss down some headache meds along with my morning meds and hurry out the door for a trip into the neighboring town to take care of some business and pick up a gift from a toy store for a friend. I love the toy store, it's like Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium without the store actually being alive. After that we stopped for lunch at our favorite Chinese buffet and came back to our town. We went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and most importantly, a pillow for me. I am going to get rid of my oldest pillow with this replacement and see how that works for me. 

When we got home we decided to take a little food out to the a park not far from where we live and have a Yule cook out. I made a tater-tot casserole and put it in foil as well as some bacon and grabbed two toaster strudel. We had some wood in the back of the jeep and we took off.

When we arrived Skoora started working on the fire and I set up my camera to take some pictures. However, it was getting dark so not a lot of them turned out. This one did, it's of the river down the hill.  

We did manage to get the food half way cooked before packing it in. Like I said it was getting dark and the sign at the entrance of the park said that the park closed at sunset and we were there until after sunset. When we heard a fire truck, we pulled our food off the grill, killed the fire, and pack our things up. We didn't want to get into trouble for being there after hours. But while we were there we listened to nice music and just enjoyed the park. There was a squirrel above us on the roof of the pavilion and when we left, we saw two deer. I really wished we could have stayed longer. I would really have liked that. 

We are home, have finished cooking dinner in the oven and eaten it and now we are watching TV for a little bit. Well, we are listening to the TV. The Wizard of Oz is on. It was my Uncle's favorite movie, my Uncle who passed on last year. We will probably play games in a little bit but first, we have to do some laundry else we won't have a bed to lay down in in the morning.  

  

Oh Twitter, Oh Facebook *sigh*

I am going to make this quick because I am waiting for Skoora to edit the Christmas/yule story I wrote to send out in our cards this year.

Twitter: I logged into my twitter account yesterday only to find out that my account had been suspended. Now since I don't really like Twitter in the first place, mostly because all I see is a bunch of #  hash tag nonsense from strangers and hardly anything from the people I am actually following. I also don't like that there is a bunch of this hash tag nonsense to begin with. People go crazy with it. Just say what you want to say and leave it at that.

Well, so as I was saying, I found that my account was suspended. I was a little pissed especially since after I filled out a little form they sent an e-mail back telling em to go read their site rules. *insert annoyed face* I read the rules twice and sent back a reply that was very police and even nice, basically stating that I didn't appreciate it and if I really had done something wrong then I apologize and am glad that I was able to use their service for the months I had it. I received a response stating that they had accidentally caught me up in a spam filter and that my account should be active again. The only reason I started a Twitter account was so I could follow a few celebrities, authors, musicians ect... and then have it available should I ever get a book published. Writers have to do a little marking for themselves.

Facebook: I was finish up my breakfast in the living room and Skoora's Dad had one of the seems like 10 news stations on. One was talking about how the folks at Facebook can see all your messages, even the ones you erase and there was some chatter that sounded like they be able to see what your doing while you have Facebook open on other sites or doing other things on your computer. They apparently keep track of your keystrokes. AND the lady who works for Facebook who was talking about this seems to think that's perfectly all right. WHAT?! I don't think so!

If I actually post a message on my Facebook, that's fine, obviously I want what I am saying to be seen otherwise I wouldn't have posted. And I'm miffed about them being able to see what I started to post but decided to erase, simply for the fact that I erased it and it's a little disconcerting to know that someone might be watching what I am writing as I am typing it. Enter creeped out factor. But what really pisses me off is that they think they have any right to monitor what I am doing on other sites or my personal computer just because I have Facebook open!

The only reason I even got Facebook in the first place was so I could keep in contact with friends from High School, some family members, and yes, even to play mindless games from time to time. As a person who has worked in two call centers and now hates talking on the phone (no, actually, I loathe it), and I live half way across the country from most of said friends and family, Facebook is the easiest way for me to keep up with them. Especially since most of them don't like to use snail mail or even e-mail. You don't know how many times I have e-mailed someone and they don't reply, it's very annoying. And like I said with Twitter, assuming I ever get a book published, I will need to do some Marketing on Facebook.

But there is something else that is bothering me. In that little news segment they said that the FBI can turn on your computer's webcam and spy on you. As if having the NSA spying on everything wasn't bad enough! So my post to Facebook recently was "Heard on the news that the FBI can turn on my webcam. Hope they like watching me pick my nose".  Nope, won't deny it, I pick my nose occasionally while reading stuff online. I also occasionally chair dance if my back isn't hurting too badly and I talk to myself as well as my characters. If I'm playing Guild Wars, I cuss out the NPCs and sometimes chew fellow alliance members out under my breath. Oh and sometimes Skoora and I talk about Yaoi. *gasp!*  So scandalous! I'm not saying that they do watch me or that they are, it's the fact that they can that really pisses me off.

All of that unpleasantness aside, I am hoping to get the Christmas/ Yule letter finished, the Christmas/ Yule Story edited and revised, and get them both in our cards and in the mail by the end of the day. But somehow, I have a feeling that won't entirely be the case for it seems that today is a very slow moving day. Why? Because Skoora is the biggest procrastinator that I know. She's not even dressed yet. Before I joined my life with hers six years ago, I used to be 15 minutes early to everything, now I am luck if I am on time at all. This is not something I am thrilled with, in fact most of the time it puts me on edge, but what can I do? I've often thought of getting a cattle prod but she might enjoy that too much.

In lieu of... and a picture

Picture © Hannah Richardson

The picture above is one I took of my little Yule display in my room. I was fiddling with my camera and I still haven't gotten the hang of ISO settings and taking candle pictures with the lights off. I played with the picture in pixlr express, hoping to take some of the graininess away. But there it is and for what it is, it's pretty.

As I said in my last post, a friend had the idea of me writing a short Christmas story in lieu of writing the dreaded 'what I've been up to this past year' portion of our Christmas/Yule letter this year. Well, I did it. I wrote a short, four page story, and in doing so I remembered why I really don't like writing short stories. There's never enough time to go into as much detail as I would like, I have to move things along faster, and it feels weird after I've been used to writing novel length stories. Even the fan fiction I wrote several years ago, and the collaborative written role plays were and have been as long as novels.

But, I can't afford to mail a novel length Christmas/Yule card to everyone so four pages will have to do.The story might not even remain four pages because I only just finished the 1st rough draft. Skoora and I need to go over it together tomorrow after she gets home from work and edit it. I'll need to fix the errors and make the necessary changes. I also might end up writing a little bit for those we don't send the story portion of the letter to. Just a short little blurb, nothing too detailed or personal.

Honestly, when we get all the mailing done, I will feel a little relieved. We have so much to do and I realized today that there are only 10 days until Christmas and 7 days until Yule. Oh boy! Not all of the ordered Christmas/ Yule presents have arrived and I am afraid that some won't come until after both holidays. I haven't really decided what I am going to cook for Christmas dinner. If I left that up to Skoora's mom, we'd have ham and cheese buns. They are okay, but I am used to a big Christmas dinner so I'm going to cook one. I know I am making home-made mac'n cheese. Skoora's mom requested it and I definitely want mashed potatoes and gravy. I'll bake some pies and make my little snacks, but as for a veggie dish and the meat portion, well, I still need to sit down with Pinterest! I'll do that tomorrow though.

Oh and I still have to make/finish a few presents too. I had to wait for some supplies to come in the mail since my local craft store didn't have what I needed.

In other news, Yoda has managed to sucker a nibble of cheese out of Skoora's mom and I this evening. He's not even supposed to have it anymore, but he doesn't get treats and he won't eat canned cat food, so we try to give him a little bit of a treat now and then, especially since the other cats get them.

Yesterday a package came in the mail. It contained four mini Funko vinyl My Little Ponies. Since Skoora and I weren't having the best of days, in fact it was kind of bad, we decided to open them. We got the Dj, Spitfire, Bon Bon, and Lyra. I thought perhaps the tails moved and was remarking so and at the same time Skoora and I both twisted them a little. Guess what? The tails don't move and if you twist them, you twist them off. Or well, we managed not to pull them completely off. But, we were able to fix them with the soldering iron. I know that's not what it's supposed to be used for but it worked and that's all that matters and the tails are snugly back in place and don't even look like they were bothered in the first place.

Also, while we were playing the card version of monopoly, I grabbed a round, plastic Christmas ornament from one of the center pieces that were on the tables at the family Christmas party. I dusted it off and put it in my mouth. Skoora  and her mom both watched me do this and neither one of them made the connection of what I was about to do. I popped that ornament out of my mouth and it flew across the table and smacked Skoora right in the glasses. She was so startled and confused, it was priceless! I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard. Better yet, I did it to her again when she came into the bedroom for bed.

Speaking of bed, it's time for me to crawl in it.

  

It's that season again!

Happy Yuletide or Holidays, which ever you prefer. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are still fighting over who's holiday it is, what the reason for the season is, or who started the holiday. Sorry my Christian friends, but Yule or the Winter Solstice did, in fact, begin with the pagans, the Egyptians to be exact and it was their celebration of the rebirth of Horus. It spread to the Babylonians Romans, Greeks and on and on it went. When the Christian's came about, they needed something to compete with pagan holidays and festivities so they chose December 25th. They actually did that with a lot of pagan holidays in their effort to gain converts. 

Over the years Christians and pagans have developed customs and symbols and mishmashed them together so much so that it's hard to tell who came up with what. For me it doesn't matter what belongs to what or who, for all, the season, no matter which faith you ascribe to, is about renewal, family, giving, and hope. But, like the Joker in Batman, the arguments between Christians and other religions, won't die. And for some people, they just can't let it go, to agree to disagree, which is pretty damn sad. 

I suppose I am fussing about it because I keep seeing my Christian friends plastering my wall with various 'in your face' messages about the holiday season. I appreciate their enthusiasm and their right to free speech, but not their snobbish attitude about it. It's kind of depressing and makes me believe that they've forgotten what the actual 'reason for the season' is. 

That being said, I am celebrating both pagan and christian holidays in my house. I will most likely celebrate Yule (Winter Solstice) with Skoora in the privacy of our room or we might go out. We will celebrate Christmas with her parents, who are Catholic. For all the complaining I do and all the aggravation I feel over Skoora's parents, they have never ever given me any lip about my religious beliefs. I've never had to hide my books in a box under the bed, hide the few items of jewelry I own, or well anything. Of course that probably has something to do with the fact that I respect their religious beliefs and practices, and don't shove mine in their face and get bitchy with them like their son and his wife did. (Sometime I would really like to talk about those two, but that'll be several blog posts long.)

All of that aside, we have almost all the Christmas/Yule presents taken care of. I think we just have Skoora's mom's stocking left. Since we're really broke, and that seems to be a common theme spreading throughout my family, I told Skoora not to worry about getting things for my family. They don't know it but I am in the process or will be making them things. All of it just takes time but I'm working where and when I am able. 

I have managed to make two craft pieces only so far and don't expect to get any more done this year, unless they happen to be someones present. I will feature them on my craft blog when I am able to get around to that. And I haven't made any seasonal food as of yet. I am planning on it, I would very much like to make wassail again. The last time I made it it was for a Yule party with some pagans back in Wichita but the person who was running it had something come up. So I was left with this giant pot of wassail that my Dad had helped me to make! It was really good and there was just so much of it that I don't think we were able to finish it all. I think it was even in the fridge for a month.  If I make it this time, it won't be that much to be sure. 

Oh, I am cooking Christmas dinner this year, so I have been perusing Pinterest and recipe sites to see what looks good. I don't want to do the same old things this year, but something different. 

Other than that, I have to write in a little in the holiday letter Skoora started. I was uber depressed earlier today because I didn't think I really had anything to write and if I did manage something I didn't think that anyone would really give a shit. (This is where my depression and anxiety have won over everything and smacked me around for a few days.) I whined as much on facebook and a couple of my friends kindly told me that wasn't true and a couple even gave me some ideas. An teacher from high school who has since turned good friend, got frustrated when I told a friend that it wasn't so much that I didn't have anything to write as it was that there's nothing overly positive about my current situation, and that my Grandmother ground into me that it wasn't good to tell people how things really were because they really didn't care and wouldn't want to hear about it. So in essence Grandma told me to hide things and lie. My teacher friend didn't like that and told me to just write what I felt and if I didn't like it in the end, I could scrap it and say 'I'm done with that'. It sounds good to me. 

One of my friends suggested that I write a Christmas story with all of my favorite characters. LOL, that wouldn't be as short a story as she thinks it might be and then the question is: anime characters, movies characters, TV show characters, or my personal characters from the books I've been writing or previous short stories or fanfics?  Or should I make up entirely new characters? Hmmm. I'm going to have to tell this friend of mine that she's a bitch (in a loving way) because I have been seriously considering this story idea and kind of don't have time to do write it. Foresee several nights no sleep in my immediate future.       

It's December and I've got cat drool in my hair.

First, I would like to point out that today is my Grandma's 86th birthday. She's still going, sharp as a knife, and I love and miss her very much. She lives back home, in Kansas.

I'm not usually up at 7 in the morning. Well, if I am it's typically because I have to be somewhere or I've stayed up writing or have been in too much pain to sleep. That's not really the case for me this time. This time it's because I stayed up late to play monopoly with some visiting friends, and watch a movie and work on a Christmas/ birthday present. I was hurting pretty bad when I went to bed at 4 am so I took some medicine and it should have knocked me on my butt. However, I think the fact that I really need to make sure Skoora get up, moving, and out the door in time to attend a meeting at work and feed the cats (trust me if I am late, they will make me get out of bed) is what is keeping me from sleeping. It's as if my brain says "nope, not going to let you chance oversleeping" and it's done this to me since I can remember, anytime I need to be some place extra early.

It's very very annoying. But at least it's giving me time to really cuddle with Yoda-Chan and catch up on some blog reading. I did lay down for a little bit earlier and Yoda curled up on my pillow. I pet him for awhile and then got up to use the bathroom and found dried cat drool in my hair! Thanks Yoda, thanks. *sigh* I washed it out but it was still gross. A hazard of being a cat owner I suppose.

We have company for the holiday and have been in and out of the house. Thankfully, our Black Friday shopping has been uneventful and we only had issues with people being rude at once store, something a friend noticed but I had long since become mostly immune to. She had her gallbladder removed recent and had to use one of the electric carts in the store. I had to as well that evening and apparently we got some nasty looks. Great Grandma Ireland used to say 'If you don't like the way I look, you've got three other directions to look". I can stand firmly behind that most of the time, but I more than understand why those people upset her.

I wasn't out for anything in particular this Black Friday. I just wanted to get out and move around despite how much it hurt. Plus, two for one happy hour coffee at Hasting's is always nice. The Barista's still make the Autumn Harvest Breve for me even though it's out of season. Skoora had an eggnog late. We got a few things at Wal-Mart, nothing big. I got a Tripod for my camera. One of my medicines makes me a little shaky so my pictures don't always turn out nice. The tripod will certainly help and it was on sale for $10.

We went to Michael's last night. I picked up some much needed embroidery thread, a new paint brush that I've needed for awhile, and a couple of really pretty candle holder. Skoora wanted some special candles that smell wonderful. When we got home, I set them up in the bathroom and when the candle are lit and the lights are out, it's so pretty in there. The candle holders were on sale and we had a coupon for the rest, well the cashier used one from their ad.

Mostly, we weren't after sales or worried about getting anywhere for anything in particular. We just took it easy and went at our own pace. Being in a over crowed wal-mart was difficult for me but I survived without a panic attack. I don't do well with lots of people. I don't like the noise, how close they crowd around me to get items, or how rude some people can be. (I'm an introvert and agoraphobic and claustrophobic) It also probably helped that we went after the flash sales so most of the people were already gone or leaving the store.

We've had a little snow but, of course, it's melted. We'll have more though. It's cold and rainy at the moment. Galen is curled up in my desk chair. Yoda is curled up next to me on the bed. Skoora is snoring the morning away. Everything is quite and peaceful. For once. Time to get up and make breakfast and coffee.