It has been a couple of days since since my last post and while some of the things I am addressing in this one aren't new topics for my blog, for some friends, and certainly not for myself, they need to be solidified here. I can be impulsive, generally speaking in good ways. For instance, I might have a wild idea for an afternoon jaunt (that's being spontaneous, I know) and sometimes I might say, what the hell at the grocery store. But most of the time I tend to take a long time to really think about and process something before I do it, especially the bigger things, like being healthier in all areas of my life. I''m going to break it down, more for myself than for you, to make sure I get to all the "big" things, and I will start with the easiest.
Physical health. I love food. I love to try different tastes and recipes and then to tweak recipes or create my own. No, I don't want to be a chef- my Aunt Melody thought I should go to culinary school but I thought it would take the joy and love right out of cooking. There has been a bit of contention in the food department as of late. A friend wants Amanda and I to lose weight with her. I am on board for that, support from friends is wonderful. However, this friend is determined that we are going to go about it exactly the way she does it. That does not work for me. It never has in the past and worse, I actually gained weight in going about it the way she wants to go about it. I know what works best for me and I am going to do it whether or not she approves. But the sad thing is, this friend has been kind of lecturing us, and kind of making us feel bad. On top of that, she is pushing where to buy certain things. Amanda and I are going to have to shut her down. It can't just be me. It has to be Amanda too, partly because we've had friends try to get their way by asking one of us (generally the one they know will say yes) to giving them what they want. I'm tired of that crap. But also because this friend needs to see that Amanda and I are a unified front and to back off.
Aside from food, I'm going to work on getting myself moving more. I've hurt my back again and have been very exhausted lately (all things this friend also doesn't really understand). Baby steps, but they are my steps and trying to push me into too much too fast with result in a yelling match between us or me getting hurt. I don't want any of that. I am also going to be dealing with the doctor issues in the next week or so.
Spiritual health. Since leaving the IEPG council I haven't done a lot with my spiritual life. Granted some of that was due to finishing up school and a lot of things go pushed to the wayside because I was just trying to hang in there the last few weeks of my last term. There's a great sense of something missing in that aspect and I've thought about it a lot, not really sure what I wanted to do, whether or not I wanted to practice almost completely solitary (outside of Amanda) or work with a smaller, more exclusive group of friends. There is a lot that I want to learn and there is a lot that I've been given a taste of that demands further exploration. Then there are a couple of ideas tossed around or that I have had that I want to give a go. So, while there are some solitary endeavors, there are a few small group endeavors that I am hoping to lay on the table for some friends.
Emotional and mental health. Amanda and I started implementing the zone cleaning, sort of. We had a lot to do this weekend and haven't been completely home for the start of this week. But the things we got done look great! Which has given me a boost emotionally and mentally. A house cleaned the way, I need it cleaned, helps the mental and emotional aspects of my life. Mostly because I am less overwhelmed, especially when I feel really bad physically and can't do as much as I want or need to do. It also helps in allowing me the space to work on a project without worrying that any mess from said project will only contribute to the mess.
When I have good councilor, cognitive therapy does me a lot of good. I've found a therapist who I like so far and I am already seeing some benefit. Some of the things I have been struggling with over the last several years have been: a sense of worthlessness in that I am physically broken so I can't contribute in standard ways, a crippling lack of self confidence, accepting my "new normal" (I still cry over the fact that I'm not supposed to vacuum and am reminded every time I try why its bad for my back), dealing with grief in several forms (I've lost privacy, some trust in people, and lost family who meant a lot to me- not just in the death sense either- and not just in the human sense), and while I adore and love the shit out of Amanda, there are times that I feel tolerated because I am her fiance, or that people like her a hell of a lot more because she's fun and kind of nuts- in a good way- more outspoken and so on.
There have been certain situations and people who have helped to facilitate me in breaking down or who have kept me down. It's not all them, part of it is me exiting in what I knew as the norm for a long time and allowing people to keep me there. There are people in my life who have not been good for me, in that I don't like how I feel around them or how I've felt after I have been around them. Trying to change things for the better by working with them generally blows up in my face, more so from others but when someone exhibits the same behavior as other people, you have a pretty good idea of how things are going to go. Also, seeing how other people treat other people, how they bitch about people who have helped them... Sigh. Let's just say after a lot of thought, after crying over it, after being angry or upset, and over my therapist asked me to write a pros and cons list, I've decided to cut the toxic people from my life. Keeping friendships out of obligation, out of fear that they might harm themselves if I don't talk to them or spend time with them, dealing with manipulation and guilt trips, are not good quality friendships. Why waste my time and energy on people who aren't good for me, when I can spend it on those who are? People who are kind, who don't have a five foot list of personal rules, and who don't shit on other people who did nothing wrong buy try to help them.
So, yeah, I went through my google +, my facebook, and my blog, and removed and blocked some people. I am sure there will be a reckoning of some kind and I will deal with it when it comes. The point is, I need to stop trying to please everyone or make them happy. I need to get my own shit together and live my life instead of holding someone else's hand with the kid gloves on and being all the more miserable for it. I can't heal if I'm too busy trying to help or fix other people's problems much less allowing them to drag me down.