To dance with Sister Calm

This is actually my desktop background at the moment

Yesterday was a bad day for me emotionally. I awoke feeling awful about the night before because I'd had a panic attack over seeing two cop cars circling the Wal-mart parking lot when we were in the midst of leaving. Skoora and I weren't doing anything wrong and the police had no reason to stop us nor did they but for some reason, to me they turned into two vultures circling and waiting to swoop down and attack us. And this fear stems from me getting a speeding ticket.

How pathetic.

But no matter how pathetic it is or was I was so upset about having the panic attack that I ended up spinning myself off into one far worse than the one I'd had the night before. It was so bad that I had to take half a nerve pill, and call my Mom. She had to help me calm down because I wasn't able to do so on my own. I'm 29 (le gasp!) and I can't seem to calm myself down? There is something seriously wrong with that. And what is more frustrating is that my current therapist can't seem to figure out why I came back to therapy. Because I need some help and someone to talk to so I don't scare my family and friends, duh! I'm mean what the hell am I paying you for?

After I ended the call with my Mom, mostly because the medicine was kicking in and I was starting to fall asleep on her, I did, in fact, sleep. I slept hard for several hours mostly out of exhaustion. I didn't even wake when Skoora's Mom came in to check on me.

The point is that I desperately need to pull myself back and really take time to get a tight grasp on senses of calm and peace. I need to get back to my center and quit trying to do everything and make things easier on everyone else for a little while. 

Books in the mail and Holiday cards in progress...

Witchy books!

I had intended to post a blog yesterday but I skipped it in order to keep Skoora's Mom company. She's come down with Shingles. My own mother had Shingles for a long time and it was so awful. Luckily, we caught it early and she was able to get into the doctor and get an anti-viral medicine that we hope will stop it before it gets worse.

In trying to keep her busy and her mind off of some family matters and the Shingles, we worked on Holiday cards. Well, she made some tags for Christmas presents and I cut the liners for envelopes. I cut over 50 yesterday and have probably about the same number to do today. But I am going to play Guild Wars with my Dad first since I will be going to Hastings with Skoora when she gets off work. Needless to say I am going to have to take a break between getting the Christmas cards completed and starting on my Halloween/Samhain cards. I have birthday and anniversary cards to make too but thankfully I don't have to make too many of those. come to think of it, I need to hurry up and make two for my Mom and my Aunt. They are twins and their birthday is right around the corner! EEEP!

Above are the new books I've purchased recently. I have an old copy of "To Ride a Silver Broomstick," out in the garage but we can't seem t find it so I bought another copy from Hastings. I'm rather excited to read them and take notes. A friend of mine is expecting to get a book in the mail too and I can't wait to thumb through it with her.

Aside from books, card making, and cooking, I've been feeling a little more tired than usual. I'm still fighting some lethargy here and there and it seems to come and go in spots throughout the day. But I really think the birth control my doctor gave to me regulate me (that's doing nothing at all by the by, haven't stopped bleeding and it's seems to be getting worse) is making me sleepy. At this point I think I am going to have to do the high powered one where I have to take most of it in seven days. I will pretty much asleep for most of that week but if it stops the bleeding and gets me regular again, I will be more than happy.      

Therapists, boundaries, books, and food.

Is the way to be! Well, perhaps for me, for a little while. I've had trouble with my weight for the last decade. I have chronic pain and a mild wheat allergy. I always thought that the wheat allergy wasn't all that important since I don't really eat a lot of bread and mostly stay away from bread like treats. I haven't had a full blown allergic reaction or anything like that and I can still eat wheat, but my girlfriend and I have decided to taper it out of our diets. Reasons: the wheat allergy, gluten doesn't help inflammation, and weight. But oh boy does it make going to the super market a drawn out experience. Some of the things that have gluten in them are astounding. It's a good thing that I like cooking things from scratch. and supposedly King Arthur has a gluten free flour.

My therapist doesn't think I should go gluten free. She doesn't seem to think that it will do any good and spent the bulk of our session discussing food and eating habits with me. One, I don't think she realizes that I eat less than anyone else in the house at meal times and eat healthier. But as usual she did most of the talking and mostly about food. She also couldn't understand why I was there yesterday. when I tried to explain to her what was going on she just kind of glossed over it. At this point, I think it's time to part ways. She is a nice, well-intended person, but I have left her office feeling worse than when I went in the last couple of times that I have seen her. If I wanted to feel horrible about myself, I'd go spend some time with some of my family. They'll make me feel like shit for free. However, I do agree with her on setting firm boundaries, it's just taken me almost two years to finally get a little of my old confidence back to put my foot down.

I'm making a schedule board for Skoora and I and there will be times listed where neither of us will be available or in a position to be bothered. Her parents are just going to have to accept that. We also have some events coming up this fall that need to be visibly listed so everyone knows what's going on. Really, the indecisiveness and lack routine have been really bad for me. I don't need to have a routine set in concrete, I am flexible and can put something off for later if need be. Skoora and I just need time together but also to ourselves. We both write, me, not nearly as much as I would like and she has homework. We just can't entertain peopl 24/7. Also, we both need time just to read and I just don't think it's fair for me to have alter my sleep routine just to have some quiet time.  

I've got a couple new books in the mail and there are a few more coming. We picked up a couple more on Norse mythology from the library yesterday and I can't wait to read them but I need to wait until I've read some of the ones that need to go back soon. I kind of overloaded myself with books again.

Speaking of Norse mythology, I suppose I should mention why I am reading it. Other than just for curiosity and research for stories, I am reading it because I am a neo-pagan. But because I kind of want to keep things a little separate, I was thinking of doing a blog dedicated to just my spiritual/religious journey. That way if someone wanted to read about that, they could go to that blog and bypass all my ranting and whining here. Yes, I rant and whine, I admit it, I am human after all. I just haven't completely decided if I want to make the blog as of yet.

At the moment, I'm hiding in the dark, in my room, with the cats and a migraine. I've had to let my hair down out of the pony tail I had it in. I also had to close my door because Mama Cathy had a candle going in her bathroom and it was making me so sick. Of course that means that I don't get any of the air conditioning in here, but it's better than puking. I did go blow the candle out and have since taken some migraine medicine. I feel a little better but not much. I shouldn't even be sitting at the computer but I just didn't want to lay in bed for a headache when I have to lay in bed for chronic pain on other days.

Spray paint and flashing lights.

This week hasn't been a good week for me or my  Jeep. I went to visit a friend in the Sliver Valley here in Northern Idaho. She is one of my best friends and I love heading over to visit her. What I don't like is that she and her parents live in a dying valley. By dying I mean that most of the mines are in ruins and unsafe, have shut down due to accidents, and most people have moved away from what was once full of booming mining towns. (Someday, in the fall when it's pretty, I will take pictures.)

What's left are elderly, those that work for the highway, a few miners, and their families. However, the Sliver Valley has also become haven for druggies. There's a lot meth. Also there's not a lot of the kids to do so most of them are out having sex in middle and high school. Oh and did I mention the inbreeding? Oh yes, there is a lot of that going on and I've heard that from people who used to live there and people who used to work there. Did I also mention that there used to be a pretty heavy KKK movement in that valley. There are still some remnants left. I generally try to stay away from most people I run into down there because I typically get a weird vibe off them. They are very tight-nit and you definitely get the feeling that they don't like strangers. Not to mention that the valley itself is far to quite and eerie. There's been a lot of tragedy and death there.

But on to my point and why I am so upset with the people there sans my friend and her parents. Some shit head kid or kids didn't have enough intelligence to find something better to do and decided that spray painting cars and buildings would be fun. Mt friend's parents truck, my jeep, a neighbor's RV, the health building across the street, ad the Stop sign were all hit. Oh and to prove their lack of intelligence, who ever did the tagging, sprayed 'go' on the Stop sign. Wow, really? You couldn't come up with something other than 'go'. Nothing clever?

The Police had already come out and taken pictures before I'd gotten up for the day, not that I hold out much hope since the police aren't very effective down there. My friend's Mom pretty much refused to let me help her take the spray paint off my car. I guess she had something to help remove it. Most of it is gone and you have to get up close to see the tiny hints of it. I need to come up with something to thank her for taking care of it for me.

Now today, on the way to the library, I got pulled over. I was just about to the library on a road I don't often take but I'd gone to get coffee. Of course I'd forgotten that the speed limit changes half way from the coffee shop to the library. I was doing 36 MPH in a 25 MPH zone (I thought it was a 35 MPH zone). So, I got a ticket, or rather I have two options, both of which are expensive. I can either go to the police station and sign up for a driving course that will take 3-4 hours and the traffic violation won't how up on my driving record. Or, I can skip the driving course and just pay the ticket and have it go on my record. Since this is my first ticket (minus a 'fix it' ticket for my tail lights a few years ago), I am very interested in the class. Also the class is 75 bucks vs the 90 for the ticket. Still, I am really upset that I even got a speeding ticket. I am usually much more attentive.    

Bad nightmare, bad!

Tentacle Shadow Monster by
Pyrhho

Yesterday, after the library trip, I just decided to go home. I really wasn't feeling very good. As soon as I got home, I went straight to bed, and gave Yoda-Chan some cuddles and went to sleep. However, it was not a nice nap. No, it was awful! I got into a horrible fight with my Dad over playing Guild Wars, something neither of us would ever fight about much less with each other. But in the dream, he had me in hysterics. Then I had to go pick Skoora up and the brakes weren't working on my Dad's truck very well, so I ended up rear-ending someone. After that the traffic was so horrible that I had to drive on the sidewalk. Can you imagine a Ford F-150 driving on the sidewalk? It doesn't work very well.

When I awoke from all of this, I was really unsettled but thankfully got over it quickly. Of course by that time I realized that I had slept about 3 hours and should have been up at 4 pm at the latest to make supper. I just didn't have time before I had to go pick Skoora up from work. So I threw something in the oven, some lean cuisine crap Skoora's Mom bought and skedaddled.

Skoora wanted to go to Target and Layne Bryant. We went, we saw, she bought an outfit. But by the time we were done, my stomach was so awful and so was my back and the rest of me, that I just had to get home to rest. I didn't do much of anything last night.

Today, I'm not feeling much better but at least I'm going to the doctor. That reminds me, yesterday I wrote that I was going to see the headshrinker only I'd confused that appointment with doctor's appointment. I am going to see a friend today no matter how much my stomach hurts simply because I promised to take some photos of her and I really like spending time with her.  

Express to slow the hell down.

Fairy Kitty by Maria Lucia

Everything has been go go go since Skoora returned from er residency in Boston. We've gone shopping (which was really hard on me and sometimes I really didn't think I was going to be able to take another step from the pain). We've run various errands, made doctor's appointments, and I have been to the library a lot. We have also been to Hasting's several times. I have also been trying to keep everything picked up as far as our bedroom is concerned, which is kind of difficult since we have so many pillows. But I've also managed to tackle the laundry. Of course, I need to do some grocery shopping today but I'm not getting very much and I doubt I will be at the store for very long. Also, I spent a day watching Downton Abbey, which I've mentioned before. But I haven't really taken any time to rest much less relax. With everything that is going on, I'm geared up and tense. My back feels awful, the fibromyalgia has flared up something terrible, and I'm starting to have panic attacks every day, sometimes more than once a day. This is not a good thing.

Today, after I go to the store, make supper, pick Skoora up from work, and play a little Guild Wars with my Dad, I am going to settle down for an hour or two and just read. I have several books that won't read themselves and I really think I need some time to escape for a little bit. I know Yoda-Chan will be extremely thrilled to have me in one place for more than a few minutes. He always likes to be petted.

With the way things are going, I doubt I will be able to do anything for Lammas this year. I just don't think that I will have the energy but I will see.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with the headshrinker. I have mixed feelings about going to see her again but I don't want to start over with a different therapist, the thought of that is exhausting. A highlight, I am going to visit a friend after that.

Honestly, I have a lot more I could/ need to blog about, but I am so tired and if the library hasn't gotten my books in yet, probably won't today. So, I should pack up and head to the store, and then home. But I might stop for coffee and read for half an hour in a park. There's a park a couple of block away from my house and it would be really nice to go sit by the river.  

So clean and calm

This is what my local library looks like. I love this place. I love that if I want to borrow a book and my library doesn't have it but another in their network does, they will get it for me. I've read some really interesting books and while I am sad that they don't have many of Katie MacAlister's (one of my favorite authors) books on the shelves, they do have a ton of non-fiction that I have checked out. A few of the topics are but not limited to, digital photography, drawing, and embroidery, mythology, language, and travel, history, and Neo-pagan/Wicca, as well as some health books on Fibromyalgia and crafts from candle making to jewelry. And for fiction: young adult novels and some paranormal romance. Today I have Llewellyn's Complete Book of Astrology and The Encyclopedia of Superstitions. I thought they would both be really fun.

Kendama

Most of the time it's relatively peaceful, if you come early enough in the day. If you come when school's letting out, a lot of Middle and High school kids come to play games and socialize. I've snapped at a couple myself for running through the shelves because they were bothering me. The library staff is usually good about getting the kids before they become too disruptive and if the kids won't listen to the staff, they are sent outside. Of course there have been times when adults have been disruptive and in that case I rented a private study room where Skoora and I could work without being bothered.  Well, looks like a librarian is escorting a group of kids out right this moment, kids with Kendamas. She is not happy and they are not listening to her about keeping the toys in their pockets until they are outside.

On a side note, Kendamas are pretty popular up here, which I think is very cool. Also, the juggling sticks seem to be popular with adults, of course there is an amazing toy store in Coeur d'Alene called Figpickel's Toy Emporium that sells vintage to modern toys and books. It's kind of like walking into Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium minus the magical living toy store and three of my favorite actors. I love Figpickel's as well by the by!

But most of all I just like being at the library. There is a sense of calm 99% of the time and I feel somewhat peaceful. Sometimes, just walking through the shelves can change my mood from bad to better, and I always like seeing the quilts hanging in one of the meeting rooms. They also have a display to left of when you walk into the foyer of local and student art. It's nice to sit and look at it before I leave and the landscaping is really beautiful. There is a patio with benches on the east side with lots of flowers surrounding it. Cherry blossom trees are planted around and there is a small patch of grass where someone can sit outside and read in the front if they wanted to. Better yet, the library isn't far from Falls Park, which is a nice place all on it's one with lots of geese and ducks, turtles, and dragonflies.

Sometimes I just wish I could curl up in the library and stay. My back kind of gets in the way of that. I can only stand to sit in their chairs for so long and when the Fibromyalgia flares up, like it is today, it makes the whole stay much much shorter. I am going to have to leave shortly, I just wanted to try and force myself to stay a little longer and enjoy it.

Downton Abbey, weird dreams of the Hunger Games, and Captain America has to pee?

Finally! Finally! My hold at the library came in. Season 2 of Downton Abbey is mine to watch tonight! I am excited and season 3 is on it's way. I have avoided eye contact with all things Downton Abbey on the internet, from pictures, status updates on facebook, and articles just so I wouldn't have anything spoiled for me. Now none of that will matter after the next couple of days.

As you can probably guess, I'm feeling better, well emotionally that is. Aside from having a very bizarre Hunger Games dream in which Katniss was pregnant and Peeta swore he'd take care of her and the baby, even bought a house for them all to live in when they arrived home, I just woke up in a better mood. Of course Supernatural was on TV. I got a little Dean Winchester and Castiel eye candy this morning... Well afternoon. I awoke a little before noon. For once, I don't mind over sleeping. I think I just really needed the sleep.

Last night I wrote two letters. One was to my cousin Shi-chan. The other was to my little cousin Kayleigh. I think I have referred to her as my niece before, she calls me Aunt Hannah sometimes, so that is where that comes from and also my cousins think of me as their sister. But really, Kayleigh is my cousin. Anyway, she fell and broke her wrist in two places. So I sent her a card and some Monster High stickers to cheer her up. Of course this was while I was watching the Hunger Games. Now you see why I dreamt a Hunger Games dream.

This morning, when I went to the bathroom, Yoda-chan, my kitty, came in and wanted to be petted. He looked really needy so I picked him up and held him, pet him, and told him he was handsome. He really liked that so I spent more time in the bathroom than I intended. He really hates it when I leave and I am very worried about him. If I leave for more than a day, he doesn't eat and he's lost a lot of weight. I might have to talk to the vet about this behavior because I really don't think he would handle coming with me when I travel on planes to see my family very well. That and I just don't trust the airports to take care of him. I've heard about what happens to animals.

On a lighter note, I was looking at pictures of Chris Evans yesterday and came across this one. I don't know whether he hurt himself or if he has to pee, but I thought it was kind of silly so I kept it. Also, you can see where the make up is sliding around his ankles and lower shins. I was wondering if they'd done some kind of padding for his feet during this scene. Well, now I know.

My back is starting to hurt, so I am going to go home and try to write there for a little bit. Yes, I said write. It was writing letters to family that helped me get my drive back. 

Damn it!

Today has been a day of lethargy and pain. I didn't want to read, watch TV, or a movie. Cooking and crafts were a flat no. I didn't really want to go anywhere or do anything in particular. Hell, I didn't even want to take a nap. So I decided the best thing to do was to get dressed and get out of the house for a bit and on my way out, I got a shopping list. 

So, I went to Denny's, hoping to sit and read for a little bit in peace. I forgot it was Sunday and a lot of people go out to eat after church. I didn't manage to read very much and since I didn't feel good, I thought if I ate a little something I might feel better so I ordered french toast. It didn't really taste good. It didn't taste bad either, I just wasn't really feeling it. I ate, paid my bill, and went to the store where I got some things for Skoora's Aunt. I also bought some kale, a bag of oranges, and 1 kaiser roll. 

When I got home I retreated into my bedroom to escape noise and well, because I didn't feel like socializing or watching hours of HGTV, even though I would be in the air conditioned part of the apartment.  That's when I knew something was really wrong. It still didn't get me out of my room. 

Dinner came and went and after I was finished eating I had myself a cry for no good reason. Since that just made me even more upset and made the headache worse, I decided that I need to, once again, get out of the house. 

Went to the park nearby and called my parents to chat and then came home. This time I took a shower and thought I was feeling better. I was until I decided to get on facebook and when I'd had enough of that, I logged on to Guild Wars and found no one online there. So here we are again. I'm hot, tired, have a really bad headache, I don't feel like doing anything, my back is killing me, and I don't want to do anything. Fantastic...

Well, I guess I will go drink a cup of coffee and chase it with water and lay down and rest. Maybe I can get some sleep. If not, I foresee myself taking another mid-night drive. 

Adult Swim is tripping out!

I don't know what the hell is going on with Adult Swim. For the last 10-15 mins they've shown nothing but psychedelic animal/nature stuff and now they are just showing strange nature stuff with some random people. It's very strange and I wouldn't mind if except there doesn't seem to be a point. Perhaps that is the point. Of course I wouldn't know about this if I was sleeping.

For some reason tonight, I am just wired in a weird insomniac way. I don't even feel tired. I've done my laundry, run the dishwasher, folded laundry, and watched two movies. I have one more left to watch before I return it to Redbox. I've even wiped down the kitchen counters. On top of that, I think I was bit by an earwig. Or maybe I was stung? I am so grossed out about them in general that I don't really want to go look that information up for fear of seeing a picture of one. And this, of course, happened while I was finishing up a movie. I flicked it off of me but I don't know where it went.

I know that these disgusting little things are a naturally occurring... thing, but that doesn't mean that I have to like them. They creep in through cracks in the front door and in through the dryer exhaust vent. Eww! Dare I say it, I think I like the occasional jumping spider over them.

Oh well, in half an hour I will be dressed and heading out to Starbucks. Apparently they open at 5 am and since the sun is coming up and it's currently 4:27 am, I figure a cup of coffee won't hurt. I'll probably read until the caffeine wears off and then happily crash for a couple of hours.  

Fruit, Blood, and Burritos

For those in the States, I hope everyone had a fun and safe 4th of July. Mine was really interesting but I will get to that a little later.

Today I awoke later than I wanted to and had plans to do some cooking and food prep. However, I was talked out of cooking so I decided to change the sheets on my bed and took a trip to the Library. I made a quick stop by Starbucks on the way.

I didn't stay at the Library too long but while I was there I managed to work out a character bio for a new story.

When I arrived home, I ended up having dinner. I don't think I like having lunch/dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon never mind that that's how people used to do things. The Victorian's had Tea or High Tea and depending on which one determined what sort of dinner they would have later in the evening. Unfortunately my evening without cooking didn't last long. Skoora's mom was watching the cooking channel again and I got a little restless. So I made breakfast burritos, a fruit salad, and prepped the fruit I need for smoothies. I think am going to sneak a breakfast burrito since I'm actually pretty hungry. I've also managed to get laundry going. All in all it's been a marginally productive day and in turn my back is killing me.

Now, on to yesterday. I went to the plasma donation place to donate and it ended in a bit of a scare. The process started all right but then the machine started beeping. So the tech who hooked me up came back to check. After some re-positioning of the needle, blood pooling out around the needle, and some painful poking, he decided that he'd try the other arm. However, the other arm had a bruise and they didn't want to risk it. So the tech bandaged me up, taped an ice pack to my arm and a nurse took me to the waiting room to sit with some water. I wasn't allowed to leave for 30 minutes. After which, thanks a very small loan from my parents, I got some gas and something to eat. I'll pay them back as soon as Skoora gets back from Boston.

I was pretty shaken up from the experience. I came home, took an aspirin, and looked up what RBC loss meant in relation to plasma donation. Apparently it's red blood cell loss and I saw an article that said I shouldn't donate again for at least 8 weeks. Guhhhh!

Still kind of shaken and a little worried since my arm hurt, I decided to take a nap. After that, I went swimming at an Aunt's, had some food at the family barbecue, and played a round of polish horseshoes. I was still feeling a bit tired so I came home and rested for the rest of the evening. Of course I kept the kitties calm while all of the neighbors shot ff their fireworks.    
  

Monster in my dream and the puddle.

He's a real monster!

It's summer again which means that I don't sleep very well at night. When I do happen to doze off for a few minutes of an hour or two here and there, I tend to have some pretty strange dreams. I don't remember all of them but the few I have managed to remember have been unsettling.

In a perfect dream world my dreams would star me, thin but with curves in the Fullmetal Alchemist world. I would be a state alchemist and an officer in their military. Col. Roy Mustang would be in hot pursuit of me dating wise and I would be lightheartedly playing hard to get while still maintaining a supportive professional relationship at work. Yeah, I know roll your eyes, but damn it, it's my perfect dream world not yours.

In the real dream world, or in the case of my actual dream, I was in support of Roy Mustang and he was planning something. However, I was stuck on a train loaded to 70% capacity of military supports of Fuhrer King Bradley, and they knew Roy was up to something just like that knew he had many supporters, some of which weren't even in the military. By the way, at this point I should probably mention that I was not part of the military in this dream.

So, anyway, something happened to the train or train tracks and the train had to come to a stop. the Fuhrer ordered everyone to remain calm and everything would be taken care of. Seeing an opportunity to get away, I slipped off the train and looked for a place to hide. There was almost nothing but a couple of trees and a big boulder. Wtf? What did I do, I high tailed it behind the damned rock instead of trying to hide on the train.

I swear not five minutes later, the Fuhrer sent patrols out to make sure no one had escaped, and of course they made a bee line for me and my stupid rock. They pulled me out and drug me to the Fuhrer who then looked me up and down like I was dinner. I was actually kind of scared but what really terrified me was when he leaned in and smelled me and then announced that I was his new mistress. I had to pretend to be happy about it but I just wanted to run even more then, especially since I knew he was even human and would probably do a lot of terrible things to me.

My next unsettling dream happened early this morning as the sun was rising in the sky. At some point the sprinkler system went off, that much I know for certain because the windows were wet when I awoke to go to the bathroom. But in my dream prior to that, the windows were wet but so also was the windowsill. Now, my bed is right there, at eye level with the windowsill (we are also on the ground level), and because it's summer, I have had the window open at night with a little fan there to draw in the cooler air. We also have a string of purple xmas lights.

Well, I dreampt that I awoke to find a small puddle on the windowsill, right under the fan and that the end of the xmas lights were laying in the puddle. I was worried but too tried to do anything major about it, so I just sopped it up with the curtain and tucked the lights further away and went back to sleep. Only I'm not sure that really happened because when I really did wake up the curtain, the lights, and the windowsill were all dry. Really, this is kind of disturbing. I'm just going to trash the lights since it's better to be safe than sorry.

At the end of this, I wish I could sleep the whole night, and not have dreams that freak me out. Oh and I really don't like summer.