What to do next and moments where I still feel like a kid

© Hannah Richardson- Yes, I sometimes do photo shoots with dolls.

The last term, the last eight weeks, of my undergrad college experience begins Monday. When that is up, I will graduate with my BA in English-Creative Writing with a focus in Fiction. I should be ecstatic and I suppose in a lot of ways I am excited, but... I can't help feeling that its really not a big deal. It's just a piece of paper that may or may not open up more job opportunities.  

I think I don't know what to think. On one hand, yes, I am excited to not have homework for awhile. I'm planning to take some time off from because I had some burnout, but also because (assuming I ever get the supposed referral to the specialist gyn) I am hoping to have a hysterectomy and will need time to recuperate and heal. I am excited to have some time to focus on craft projects as well as doing some writing- more than just the here and there bouts I've been subsisting on when I wasn't too afraid to write. Yes, I've had a lot of moments where I've been scared to write and it sucks ass like a Kappa. 

Or maybe I don't feel like it is a big deal because I am not walking or attending the school graduation. I don't know, I just don't see it as that big of a deal. Amanda says it is. She says it is a big milestone. Geeze, I don't know if this is depression and self abasement talking, which are things I struggle with all the time. Or if my worry over finding a grad school that will accept me and is a good fit is clouding all the "you should be dancing in the street" mentality everyone else has. 

On the topic of grad school, I've been looking at some options online. I want to go one that has a good program. However, I want one that is relatively close, meaning that I don't want to spend hours on a plane, flying across the country. Airports stress me out, I hate having to run because invariably my gates are too far apart. I don't particularly like flying and pretty much only do it when I am going home to visit family. 

There are a couple of programs on this side of the country that look kind of promising. I don't really want to do the ones that are at Christian colleges. There is a program up in Anchorage Alaska that could be interesting. Then there is the program at Eastern Washington, a college that is 30 mins away and if my car still isn't working, I could take a bus to. But to get into that program not only do you have to go through the usual, submit writing samples and long ass letter talking about how great you are and blah blah blah, and coming up with references, you have to take the GRE exam. I really suck at test taking. Test anxiety is a constant companion, I used to nearly have panic attacks filling out those stupid tests you take for employment applications. On top of that, I'm not great at math and it has been ages since I have had science classes. 

So, while I was upset, frustrated, and almost weepy, I called my Dad because I wanted his advice. Dad's reply to my mopey disheartened tale of the situation was: "Maybe you should stop worrying about going to school to prepare to write and actually sit down and write." I could hear my Mom in the back ground telling him "No, you're not helping."  She was right, he wasn't helping. I felt like a kid. But at the same time he was right. Except that Amanda talks about how she grew and changed as a writer from grad school, that it really helps, and that she doesn't think she could have ever been published prior to going.  Besides, if I do go to grad school, I could possibly get a job adjunct teaching. 

I've spent so much time trying to do what everyone else thought would be good for me, that I didn't do what I really wanted. So what do I want? 

I want to go to grad school. I want it to be either completely online or low residency and fairly close. As in not too far for travel. I want it to be a good program- as in I don't want to just settle because the program is close by. And I want to do it without feeling guilty or unworthy for a change. (my depression monster is a harsh beast) 

On a happier note, we have some flowers blooming and some tomatoes begging to form out in our garden. Half of our herbs didn't take off but the half that did, look really good.