New family addition, Yule, compliments are scary, and snow.

Meet Thorin Oakenshield. He is a 4 month old orange tabby we adopted from Partners For Pets and it seems he was runt of the litter. We don't mind, he's wonderful. He is also very soft, sweet, and cuddly and I love his coloring.  Our friend Chris, who volunteers at the rescue, helped us with his adoption fee as part of our Yule/Christmas present. It is always a little difficult going into the shelter because there are so many great kitties there that I just want to wrap up in a blanket and bring home. However, I do love that this place is a true no kill shelter. In fact they have a cat or two that they've taken off the adoption roster for whatever reason, and those kitties will live out the rest of their lives at the shelter. 

Excuse my sans-makeup appearance. Thorin is quite the little boob man/ shoulder kitty. He loves to curl up in your face. However, he is afraid of my sewing machine. Poor thing trembles when its going. He will get used to it, or I will put him in a safe place with his blanket and toys when I need to use it again. 

It is snowing here again today and I love it. 

We had a really awesome Yule. Amanda and I went to our friends J and L's house where it was packed full of new and familiar faces. It was good to catch up with people I hadn't seen in awhile and make new friends. But it was so crowded in the house that I spent most of my time outside by the fire pits. There were two under the pavilion/ tent J had erected. Our friend Dani did the welcoming the baby sun ritual she'd done the year before. I love that ritual! Technology crapped out on her a little bit, but it was still great. Later we had Sumble and honored the Gods, Ancestors, and Folk. That was amazing! J's altar for the Gods was simply beautiful! I will talk a little more about me experience there over on my pagan blog. Anyway, there was delicious home brewed beer and mead, plenty of food, and such pleasant and fun fellowship. But it was fucking cold! Like I said, we spent most of the night outside and despite having a little bit of shelter and two fires, and me wearing two hoodies and a reindeer hide, I was still freezing. But, we made it the whole night, watched the sun rise, and made it home safely. It did take me over an hour to warm up, but it was worth it!

Compliments are really hard for me. They always have been and I'm awkward in receiving them, but also, while I know they are genuine from others, they feel not... right somehow. I expressed as much to Amanda, asking her to deliver some Yule gifts to J, L, Dani, and her husband. She apparently told Dani's husband that I have a hard time accepting compliments and that she is trying to help me with that, so of course I got a little confronted, hugged, and told how great my presents were. I haven't finished everyone who is on my list's gift, but I will share the four I had finished that night. Each one had some homemade soap I'd made earlier in the year. All of the bags are hand embroidered and sewn by me. By the by, knot work is a pain in the ass to do. 

Umbreon for L, because she had a kick ass sexy cosplay as Umbreon and likes anime and Pokemon Go.

Vegvisir for J because he travels a lot and is a leader of his and Dani's husbands Kindred. 

Hugin and Munin for Dani's husband because I know he has some deep conversations and he does a lot on Heathen forums. 

An owl for Dani because I know she likes them, I heard about an experience from a festival she went to, and I think I remembered someone saying that it is her spirit animal. None of the bags are the same size because I haven't decided on a size that I like and some came out smaller than I wanted. It was an experiment and I am learning from it, so that's a bonus for me. Anyway, I have several more to make and am running out of time. Some gifts may have to be sent out or delivered late this year. I miscalculated on how long things would take despite starting at Thanksgiving. 

I'm starting to lose my focus, so I will end here for today. Suffice it to say we have been busy, Amanda's set the kitchen on fire as true to the nick name my Dad gave her, "sparky". We still find the stray piece of glass from the dish that exploded- she forgot to turn off a burner and set a dish of Baklava on it- now and then, despite being really careful to get it all cleaned up. My endless period is also very bad today and I am having trouble staying awake.  Tsuki is also here, so I need to get off my computer. 

Hope everyone had a fantastic Yule and if I don't post again before Christmas, have a happy one! 

Overloaded, disappointed, and no matter what, I am going to find something positive.

from a wallpaper site

There's no better way to ring in the holiday season than a bout of sickness. That's me being sarcastic, but I will get to that more in depth in a moment. First I would like to point out that while I enjoyed the food at Amanda's cousin's restaurant, while I was tickled silly over the singing quartet of elderly men who came in and sang us three songs at Amanda's family Christmas party, and even enjoyed the snow that day as well as my exchange gift (lavender sage hand soap and lotion), I did not enjoy the surge of panic that came along with it. To say that Amanda's family overwhelms me is an understatement of vast proportions. When you get the sisters together (there are six of them) in any combination or number, things are loud, you can't get a word in- there is no point in trying they are going to interrupt and talk over you anyway- you're in for a period of time in which you can't decide if you should run and hide or if you should observe because this might be good fodder for story writing. Then if you add in the kids and the cousins- we had a rather small turn out this year mind you- and pack the into a small place, the noise is much louder, the chaos is worse, and then you stick me in against a wall (because it's the only safe place where there is any breathing room) between two tables and a lot of people scooting and pushing about, Oh My God! I had a lot of problems with my claustrophobia. And, in fact, I was so overwhelmed, that when we finally got home several hours later, I had to do dishes just to calm myself down.  However, thank the gods for the snow! It was the quickest Christmas party to date on account of people worrying whether or not they were going to make it over the pass. While I dread any family gathering of Amanda's or even my family, it wasn't completely a bad time.

Amanda and I are still sick. We finally gave up and went to Urgent Care- mostly because she still needed to go to work and couldn't wait around on her doctor to have an opening and because my doctor doesn't do same day appointments. I apparently have the tail end of a sinus infection (even though I told the guy I saw that it does't feel so much in my sinuses but more in my chest and I am still coughing until I throw up and hacking up bright avocado green ick- yeah, you'll think about that next time you eat avocados won't you?). Instead of just giving me antibiotics to clear the rest out, I was given some cough medicine and nose spray. We will see how well that works. Amanda was given steroids, an inhaler, and cough medicine for an upper respiratory infection. Um, okay. We will see how well that works for her too. If it doesn't, we will be back at urgent care tapping our feet and giving them the stink eye.

I am, for once in my life, really disappointed in my father. There is a job opening at Amanda's job that he is perfect for. Amanda spoke to her boss about it and her boss said my Dad would fit in really well with the security guys there. He was even guaranteed an interview because Amanda works there and could vouch for him, and he might have actually gotten the job. More to the point, we would have let my parents move in with us for as long as they needed to get on their feet. But no, my Dad won't apply for the job and while I understand his reason of him never being able to forgive himself if he got it and took it and having to leave Grandma and Grandpa behind, I am really pissed because that means that he and Mom will be still be stuck in limbo with him have no prospects. It is maddening! What's more, the selfish part of me wants to smack him and say, remember how you felt bad about working too much and us never taking family vacations, you never making me promises, and all that crap, well you could make it up to me by moving up here, and easing my worry about you and Mom, and being close so I could actually spend time with you. But no, their lively hood and anything I want for them or feel doesn't matter over his possibly guilt. Thanks Dad, in a way, you just reinforced some "i'm not important enough feelings" that I have been struggling with. And that my help with mom, who you say is overwhelming you, isn't going to be good enough. Well fuck you too.

That aside, yesterday was a non-stop day. We went to Urgent Care, came home picked up Tsuki, and then Tsuki and I took Amanda to work and went to Winco, where my back kept trying to lock up on me. From there we went to the pharmacy, Wal-mart, McDonalds, and then to Tsuki's house to drop her and her groceries off. Then I drive back downtown to pick Amanda up from work, took the library books back to the library, and came home to cook dinner. The day was filled with a certain amount of embittered sass, a little bit of annoyed road rage, and emotional outbursts. The outbursts took place while I was trying to make dinner. All my anger and frustration exploded in the form of me yelling, slamming cabinets, throwing a package of spaghetti right into the trash only to have it burst and go everywhere. I was exhausted, hurting so much, and just wanted to scream. Oh and I have to rearrange the tupperware and bakeware cabinet because nothing would going in right so I slammed shit around in there. I also got pissed off at my dishwasher. Needless to say, I flipped my shit.

Part of the reason why I was flipping my shit is because I feel so selfish when I try to focus on me, when I want things for myself, and that shit with my Dad. Another reason was because I have gained weight again and I am trying so hard to be kind to myself. It is such a struggle because I have so many years of pent up rage, anger, and hate inside for my body. One of my friends wrote about hating herself and her body just recently and I understand what she is talking about- but from my perspective. I keep telling myself that it is okay to feel these things, to address them and look them in the face, so I can deal with them, but it is fucking hard. It is hard to say, I love myself when I can't push the car seat back any further, and my stomach touches the steering wheel. It is difficult to say I love myself when I am afraid to sleep because my period is so heavy that if I move wrong, or even cough, out gushes a ton of blood. It is hard to say I love myself when I'm having panic attacks about making phone calls to schedule appointments, going to store, and even taking a shower sometimes. It's hard to say I love myself when everything hurts from fibromyalgia. And it is hard to say I love myself when you are terrified that the one time you got drunk at a friend's house, you said something that probably offended a friend and you're already worried that said friend and well friends only tolerate you because you are engaged to Amanda. Yeah, I just said it. I think everyone likes Amanda more and just tolerates me because they want to hang out with her. I am only as good as what I can give or do for other people and beyond that, nothing. I don't make people happy, I can't make them laugh. I am certain most people think me clueless and stupid and don't take me seriously.

I hate my depression and anxiety so much. You have no idea how much it makes me angry. Sometimes, I want to tear my skin off or cut away pieces of myself.  Oh well, I keep telling myself that you have to get worse before you can get better and I am trying to get better. A friend of mine gave me affirmation stickers and one of them says something to the effect "Would you talk to your best friend they way you talk to yourself?" The answer is no, I really wouldn't. I love my friends and I don't want to hurt them or see them hurt by anything or anyone. So why is it okay for me allow the opposite for myself? And why does taking time, focusing on myself and trying to be kind to myself feel so selfish and wrong? Who the hell taught me that or let me believe that? 

Okay last thing and it is a happy one, per se. Amanda, after lots of whining, begging, and puppy-dog eyes, conned me in to doing a written role play with her. I am hesitant to do written role plays because they rarely get finished and I often neglect my own writing in favor of the RP. I do like writing with Amanda though. So last night we were talking about what we were going to write. I'm going to be an Elf, because that's what I was feeling and they are one of my favorite beings. Amanda is going to be a Dragon- also one of my favorite beings. However, I told her that I would only do this RP if she was at my complete and utter disposal for my own writing, that we only did one post a day, and that she has to write at least one page on her novel a week. I want her to finish the damned thing and if this is the only way to push her into it, then damn it, so be it! That said, I do have to come up with a first post today. Good thing it's still early in the day and I already have the roast cooking. 

All she wants for Christmas/ Yule, a friend's tonics, surprise awakenings

Just a pic I found, not my actual kitty...

Amanda wants a kitty for Christmas/ Yule. Both of us have been wanting another baby in the house for awhile now and have been perusing adoption sites off and on. Well, last night, Amanda really started kitty shopping. She showed me so many beautiful cats and I really want them all. It looks like, at the moment at least, we might be getting a little orange Manx boy or girl. Amanda called the breeder today to talk her about the kittens and so far we like what we have heard from the woman and how she is taking care of the cats. Now typically we would never go to a breeder, preferring animal shelters, and we are still looking at the shelters in case we don't mesh with the Manx kitties. I don't know if Amanda is dead set on one of them yet, but we will see. 

My friend Aine saved my butt last night. She brought over a care package consisting of two syrups and a tincture because I am sick. I felt bad because I wanted to pay her for them, I know this stuff isn't necessarily cheap to make, but she didn't care. I'm already feeling a little bit better and one of the syrups she made is relaxing and breaking up all the ick in my chest. I actually coughed up a bit in the middle of the night last night. It was so nice to get that crud out of me. I so have to make her dinner or something. 

Now, since I awoke in the middle of the night to cough stuff up, I'd decided it might be best to go sit up on the sofa. Well, that's all fine and dandy until the maintenance men knock on your door and come into your apartment. Now, I'd still been asleep, was dressed only in tank top and my underwear with a throw blanket over my lap. Because I've so much drainage and what not, I haven't been able to talk very well, add just having been woken up, and yeah, I wasn't going to say anything. I just pulled my blanket up higher and sat really still. Thankfully there is a wall between my kitchen and living room so they couldn't see me unless they came further into the house. However, Amanda was asleep in the bedroom and I was kind of hoping that she would snore. For all her loud snores, the one time we needed her to snore, she didn't, lol. She had kind of woken up too but was hiding as well. 

Anyway, while the guys were changing out the lock, one of them told the other one to keep an eye out because we have a cat. I am thankful and so pleased that he remembered that and was mindful. They also didn't think we were home despite the car being parked outside. But then they were talking about management being so hot to trot on getting the locks changed, especially in my building because "he" -I will explain who I think "he" is in a moment- still has master keys to some apartments and things have been going missing from people in this building. Now, there was a maintenance man who lived in the building beside ours and he was a nice guy but he and his kids suddenly disappeared one day. Given that I don't generally converse with my neighbors, except in passing, I figured he just moved to another complex under the housing authority people along with a manager who left about the same time. But who else would have master keys to apartments other than management and maintenance? No one, unless they stole the keys. Now, this is just my conjecture, it may not be that maintenance man, but my gut leans that direction. 

Well, we have new a new lock now, so any keys we made for friends and family are now useless. If we want any extra keys to our apartment made, we can't get the made ourselves. We have to put in a work order with the office and it will cost us 8 dollars a key. Which, I kind of think is bull shit and a way for them to make some money off of us. However, I am going to have to get at least one spare made for when we go out of town, so someone can come check on Narcisa and the very possible new kitty.

In other apartment news, our lease is up this month and when I asked about it, the manager said that we would be going to a month-to-month type of lease. Which basically means they can raise the rent when ever they want and we will no longer be locked into one set price. That makes me just a tad bit nervous. So, I am kind of looking for back up places in case we need or have to move. And we might have to if my Dad gets a job up here. *fingers crossed*

Speaking of my parents, I learned that my mother's neurologist did drop her as a patient, but not because he didn't want to deal with her, it was because she doesn't have medical insurance and because he is pretty sure she has some kind of movement disorder. Of course the nearest specialist is in Kansas City. My parents can't afford to go there, they can't afford the wear and tear on their truck either. So he called my mom's primary physician and explained to her what is going on. He doesn't see the reason for my parents to shell out money they don't have for him to see my mom, when Mom's primary doctor can give her the medicine. So there is that, at least. However, at the moment, my mom has pneumonia and my Dad hasn't been feeling so great lately either. 

   

Lastly, I talked to my friend Felicia this morning. I am passed all those initial, negative feelings about her eldest daughter. I think I just needed to feel them that night acknowledge them, and let them go. Now, I am just really sad and back to wishing there was something I could do to help, to make things easier for their family. But my feelings aside, I listened to Felicia's misgivings about their coming move back to Arizona. It sounds like she doesn't really want to go, that she is worried about a lot. Also, her husband and his sister are taking care of everything and not letting her know what's going on. It is driving her nuts. Which raises a lot of red flags for me. Communication is a big thing for me when in a relationship and with their family, having 4 kids, having a daughter with special needs and perhaps other mental issues, who has proven herself to be violent and vindictive and threatening, you have to be on the same page period. My biggest fear for them is that they will get down there and everything will blow up in their faces. I know these are not my battles, but they Felicia is like a sister to me, I love her kids, and yeah, her husband can be a dick sometimes, but he's family too. I want what is best for them, and yes, even if it means that they have to move away.

So much work, Xmas/ Yule, Sick, Snow, Happy Kitty

I couldn't tell you...

Much to my great annoyance, I am sick again. Last night I spent a good deal of time shivering in front of the space heater waiting for Ibuprofen to kick in, and kill the fever. That really sucked and it was worse when it did finally break because then I was drenched with sweat. I did manage to get to sleep for a little while, but woke up with a runny nose and said screw it, got up, and went to sleep sitting up on the sofa. Of course I awoke freezing again. But for a little while, last night, I got to watch it snow. It was beautiful! I know a lot of people around me don't care much for snow, I know it rainy and snowy weather makes them ache and hurt more. Well, it does the same to me, but I am happiest when it's overcast, rainy, or snowy. Even when I am sick.

I have a lot of work to do between now and Yule and then Christmas. I haven't been working on presents the last couple of days, but today, I am going to get my butt in gear as much as I am able. Unfortunately, some of friends read my blog and so I can't disclose what I am doing. I will take pictures of finished goods and share them after people have received their gifts. And unfortunately, this year's Yule and Christmas are going to be a little sparse. Amanda and I are making things because we can't afford much. 

Last night, instead of cleaning the house like we said we were going to do, Amanda and I packed away all of the Halloween stuffs, and pulled out the Christmas/ Yule decor. We made a couple of bags of "to go" because there are some things that we don't want or need anymore, much less have the room for. That and I really like the more "natural" look or as some people might call it, "Rustic". Our tree, for the moment is a 4 foot fiber optic leaning thing that is driving Amanda nuts. She was so frustrated with it last night that I told her we would get the other tree from her parents, take the ornaments off the fiber optic tree, put them on the soon to be acquired tree, and move the fiber optic one to the kitchen table- which is now in front of the kitchen window. This way we have more pretty lights and Amanda will be happier. When we get everything in place, I will take pictures.  

I don't know why Amanda likes some of my wild ideas sometimes. I said, in more of a passing thought than anything, that it might be cool to move the bed out into the living room so we could enjoy the Christmas lights and fireplace. *facepalm* She took me seriously. She wants to move the sofa, and all the living room furniture around to make this happen because no one will be coming to visit us really this winter so why not?! I don't think its a good idea. I like going to the other room to go to bed. Except sometimes, like when I am sick and need to sleep sitting up on the sofa and want her company, but she will only sleep in the bed- because she is lame like that. 

We have a very happy kitty. Amanda moved Narcisa's bed from in front of one of the windows in the living room and put it between the side table holding our Christmas tree and the fire place. Our friend Tsuki gave me a small, round heating pad for when my cramps are really bad, but I have this terrible habit of falling asleep with the heating pad on, thus I haven't been using it much. Well, Amanda gave it a slightly new purpose, tucking it under the frist layer of blankets on Narcisa's kitty bed. She loves it! She melts into a black, furry, puddle. Amanda also set up a couple of Narcisa's stuffed animal toys along the wall like pillows. Not only does my cat have a better bed than I do, but its cuter too.

Death Parade, Pissed off Grandma a little bit, a world of anger, frustration, and hurt, can't stop crying.

I really want snow, even more than I did the last time I posted. 

Amanda and I have begun watching Death Parade. It;s an interesting anime about beings who judge where people go when they die. 

In other news I pissed off my Grandma by saying that my friend Felicia's eldest sister insisting that she take her Autistic and probably psychopathic daughter to church will basically be a cure all wasn't going to help anything or be worth it. I said that church can't and won't fix her. My reasoning is that the person going to church has to want to go, has to have a desire for it help. The child in question doesn't care about anything or anyone but herself. Its not her fault, mentally she just doesn't operate that way. What is important is getting her into extensive therapy so she doesn't end up hurting herself or those around her in the mean time and in the long term, doesn't end up dead or in jail.

Speaking of said child, I admit to hating her last night. I allowed myself to hate her for a few hours, let myself feel that emotion, and told myself that I could be irrational and selfish but that tomorrow- which is now today- I needed to let that go. So far so good. The reason for my hostile feelings spring from the fact that Felicia and her husband told us last night that they are moving back to Arizona. It all boils down to their eldest daughter. Felicia is the first person since I left Kansas that I could feel completely relaxed around, let my guard down around, and she didn't judge me for just being me. She's my soul sister and I got attached her and her family, and now they are leaving. So, I can't stop crying. I cried the whole way home from their house, I cried a couple of times last night, and I've cried off and on all morning. Felicia admitted to me last night that she is worried about me. Yeah, well, so is my therapist to be honest. 

I've seen some upsetting things on the internet- mostly facebook- the last couple of days. Someone shared a video of speech by some guy of a group called Alt-Right. I saw hitler salutes in the vid, I heard disturbing things said, and I was left a little scared and disgusted. I can't believe in this day and age, when this fucking planet has so much going for it, there is still so much racism. I've seen a story abut a little black boy getting attacked too. Hate crimes are on the rise, there was even a guy in South Africa who was kidnapped and two white men tried to stuff him in a coffin. Who does that to a person?! On top of it, there's all the crap happening in South Dakota with the stupid pipeline. Plice are spraying Native Americans with water cannons, shooting them with rubber bullets, and mace and just because they want to protect water. I am tried of racism, politics, stupid people, and I just want snow. 

On a more positive note, I now have a gynocologist. Amanda took the day off to go with me because I don't want to go alone. Still working on a new doctor. I have to wait until the office is open again and go fill out a medical records release form, have my doctor fax my records to the new doctor where he will look them over and let me know if he wants to take me on or not. 

Other than that, I did do a little black friday shopping today. I went to Joann's fabic and craft store and spent 35 dollars and apparently saved 106 dollars. I basically just got some supplies for xmas/yule presents, found a couple of Halloween clearance items, found 5 sewing patterns (they had a 5 for 5 dollars sale), and got the heck out of there.   

Season's chill, adjustments, and doing things I dread.

Found this one on desktop nexus. Gonna look for the artist, love it this work!

Today I am trying a new schedule per se. I haven't typed it up and Amanda told me not to make it so rigid as my last one, but to allow for some flexibility. The purpose of this is for me to allow myself time and give myself permission to do all the things I want and need to do. A large part of my problem, I've discovered, is that I have been unconsciously waiting for someone to give me permission to do things. But why? I still don't really know the answer to that, unless it has to do with a lost of independence and self stability, self esteem, and confidence. Probably just hit the nail on the head right there. Any way, I am trying out 2 hour increments with wiggle room in case I go over on a few things. Frankly, as hard as it is going to be, I need to stop beating myself up about stupid shit.

This morning there was a nice chill in the air. I cracked the bedroom window last night and had the fan on the highest it would go. Because Amanda is a veritable furnace, I am still sleeping with just a sheet and summer quilt. She fuses that it's cold meanwhile I am loving it! Besides, the best part is getting to snuggle down in the covers or being able to curl up on the sofa in the living room with a cozy blanket, coffee, and the space heater for a little bit before having to take her to work. 

We have a winter bucket list of sorts. One of those things is to play in the snow when it comes. I want snow to come so bad. I'm the kind of person that finds the above picture so terribly inviting. I keep checking the weather radar looking for snow and complaining about all the other places around us that are getting it while we aren't. Some of my friends might think I  am sick, but damn it, part of the draw for me to move up here, was the promise of more snow. More snow means making more snow dragons, sofas, and igloos! 

Of course with all my hoping for snow and lots of it, this means that the tug of winter and the Yuletide season is strong. Amanda and I both have felt the pull to put away the Halloween decor and bring Yule back. We brought home an Xmas tree from her parents house and will be working on setting it up and other things over the next week or so. 

Lastly, today I am going to do things I dread. Because I am done with my current doctor and her bullshit- she claims that she didn't refill my depression medication because the pharmacy sent her a note saying that I am not taking it properly, which is total crap, and I still haven't received a referral for a GYN specialist like she said she was going to get me- I am on the hunt for a new doctor and I'm going to find my own GYN. Of course this means I will be on the phone with strangers, which after working in two call centers and having a breakdown from it, I pretty much stare at my phone with trepidation when it rings. If I know the person, I will answer, if I don't, forget it. And sometimes, I can't being myself to answer if I do know the person. I hate calling people too, unless, again it is someone I know, and generally speaking I don't like to have long drawn out conversations. But, unfortunately today I have to deal with my necessary evil and just get it done and over with. I'm promising myself a nap with it's done. 

      

Wal-Mart Creeper, it's deliciously cold, the ick has arrived, and my therapist is amazeballs!

Art by Nene Thomas

Because of my therapist advocating for me by leaving a rather terse and testy message for my soon to be ex-doctor, I finally have my depression medication again. My doctor left a lame excuse on my voice mail saying that the pharmacy had sent her a message stating that I wasn't taking my meds properly-which is utter bullshit- and that's what some of the "mixup" was. 

We had our first snow here this morning. I missed it because it was at 6 am and I was still sleeping. It also melted away before I got up. Still, it was nice and cold today and its wonderfully cold right now. We have a log burning in the fireplace, and the space heater running. Amanda is making me a cup of Gypsy Cold Care tea because I'm coming down with something and haven't been feeling very well the last day or so. 

We went to the store tonight to buy some wood for the fire place and to grab something for dinner because I didn't feel up to cooking. We ended up with more than we went for but at the same time, we were just having fun perusing the store, and we found a few treats. However, while we were taking our time and enjoying ourselves, there was an older man following us. He started in the grocery section and we kept running into him all along the way. We were both polite and didn't really mind talking to him, but there was something about him that kind of set off warning bells in my head. I still remained polite because I also got the sense that most people don't pay this guy any attention least of all women, and that he might be awkward and lonely. 

Amanda and I kind of tried to shake him by going into the women's clothing section, which didn't work because he just walked back and forth in front of the check out looking at stuff. So we said screw it and headed for check out where he, of course, followed us. Well, I had an issue with a card and had to deal with that, so we cancelled our order, moved out of the way, while I dealt with my card. He checked out and while I was on the phone, he asked Amanda if she was single. She said no, that she was taken and when he asked about me, she said the same. Being that we aren't that far from Idaho, she didn't tell him that we are together- to which I told her later, when she was filling me in on this, that was probably for the best so he wouldn't get his feelings hurt thinking it was just some lame excuse. He apparently told her that he wasn't trying to be weird, he just has a thing for big beautiful women, which is really sweet. However, he stopped at McDonald's (yes, our Wal-mart has a McDonald's in it) and while we were getting our groceries out of our cart, he gobbled down his hamburger and began to follow us out. A bit weirded out we too hurried to get to our car, put our groceries in, and then we sat in the car with it on so it just looked like we were defogging the windows enough to drive. He got to his truck and was there a for a few minutes and finally left. But, because Amanda and I were a little unsettled, I went the opposite way and took a longer route to get home, just to be safe. 

I realized today that when ever I begin to feel sick, I want soup- usually vegetable beef with barely- and potato salad. If I didn't have butternut squash to use up within the next day or so, I would make homemade chicken noodle soup in the crock pot.

Lastly, in the spirit of colder temperatures, it is finally time to sit my butt down and make some quilts. Amanda and I are going to take some time and pick out which fabrics from what I have, and which pattern we want to use. She's going to put to work in helping me cut out the block or pieces, and we will go from there. This first one will be a nice spooky one. I also want to get as thick and squishy of batting as I can afford so it is nice and warm. 

Planner, Day of the Dead Skulls of Ancestor Remembrance, the Super Moon- flyby craft post.

 

Planners. I like google calendar but sometimes it doesn't sync between my phone and my computer, which can be frustrating. I really like having a "hard copy" book version anyway and have since discovered planner stickers on pinterest. Typically I spend several hours once a year searching online or in bookstores looking for the perfect planner for the upcoming year. This year as I began that search, I said fuck it. Why waste all that time when you can get a cheap one from Wal-mart and make it pretty yourself. Plus that gives you craft time, which in my book, for me, is self care time.  I made mine a little witchy and with a Halloween flare using spiderweb washi tape, stickers, and some other embellishments. I have no idea how it is all going to hold up being battered around in my purse, but I suppose that is the beauty of it, if it gets messed up, I can always redo it. 

I know I am a bit late in sharing these, but better late than never. A friend of ours bought us foam squares to craft with and I'm pretty sure Amanda was the one who came up the idea for using them in this way. I decided to write out names of ancestors or family members that I wanted to honor in a more direct way on pretty paper and tape them to the skull once decorated. This one is for my father's family.

All the animals in my life that I've lost got their own skull complete with kitty cat ears. Yes, there are some doggies on their too.

This blue skull was for my Mom's family. 

The next three were just for decoration. 

This one was water inspired.

Fire inspired 

I'm not sure what this one was supposed to be but I was having fun. Amanda has two but I will let her take photos and share them on her blog. 

Tonight we were hoping to get a good glimpse of the super moon since it was raining last night. Well, I got to see it... sort of. I got better photos on the good camera but here is one from my phone.

Hope everyone has had a good supermoon or has been hanging in there!

Conversations with my Father, avocation from an unexpected source, positive affirmations

Yesterday several things happened that were out of the ordinary. Because I couldn't sleep the night before last, Amanda decided that we needed a breakfast date. After she showered, we both got a little dressed up, and went to Denny's. I took her to work, went to Wal-Mart, and then headed over to the library. While I knew it was Veteran's Day and knew the library would be closed, for some reason, I didn't make the connection until I was actually in the library parking lot. So, I sighed and came home to play with the new planner I bought. I will show it and the Day of the Dead skulls we made in the next post.

My therapist is amazing! She wanted to know how my doctor's appointment went because she had been encouraging me to go. Generally speaking I don't like going to the doctor and well we all know from my last post that this woman doesn't seem to actually want to do anything other than peddle her goods and say my weight is the cause of all my problems- which isn't entirely true. Anyway when my therapist heard all the details of my appointment, she was livid. She told me to call my pharmacy right then and there. My doctor had not called in my depression med prescription so she asked me to call my doctor. Well, my doctor only works 4 days a week and Friday is a half day. Since my call was after the doctor's office closed, I had to leave a message. Which only aggravated my therapist further. She took some notes and promised to advocate for me. She's said that I have ups and downs but this latest down has been really bad and she's been really worried about me. That I am out of depression medication is alarming to her, that I can't sleep very well, if at all some nights, is not good, and despite me telling her that I am going to find another doctor, my therapist isn't going to stand for how my doctor treated me. She said it was unacceptable. I was a little surprised. I haven't had a doctor or therapist actually give a shit, actually look at me like a person and treat me as a person not just my weight, in so long that I'd forgotten what it was like.

When I got home I called my Dad and talked to him for two and half hours. I haven't been on the phone for that length of time in years. We talked about many things, most of which I won't go into, that would take too long, but because both my parents are essentially two of my best friends, and I am so blessed for that, I revealed some heavy stuff. Identity crisis feels far too strong a term to describe my thoughts and feelings, but I do feel that I don't know who I am a lot of the time, that I often feel lost and floundering, struggling, and even fighting. I admitted that I have had some pretty devastating thoughts come up in terms of writing. I admitted to panic attack where all I can seem to think or say is "I'm not going to make it," over and over again. And there is so much that is interwoven that one things impacts another. I even admitted that I think I am just now beginning to address, to dig down to try and heal the parts of me that were so shocked, angry, and horribly hurt from back when I was in high school- back when my Grandma Julie died and that seemed to set off a string of deaths in the family, and worse, I saw how utterly disgusting and ugly some members of my family could get and from that point only how it only got worse. We talked about how some of my anger and even some of my rage has come out, I used to cut or beat myself (I want to so badly sometimes, but I won't because I promised my Mom that I wouldn't). My Dad gets it. He knows how debilitating this level, this kind of depression can be. He admitted to sitting on his bed for 45 minutes trying to make himself go brush his teeth one day. I have the same problem some days, I scream at myself just to move, to go take a shower, to clean the house, to do something, anything. It is hard. 

Dad said he was sorry that I ended up getting some of my mother's health problems and all of his depression problems. I said, "yeah and I managed to learn some OCD behaviors from mom too." Which he kind of laughed and told me about my mom's grocery bag obsession. She keeps and reuses them for the wastepaper baskets only she had a grocery bag hold stuffed to the brim and four grocery bags stuffed just as full. Dad said, shocking to him, she actually threw some away. 

Our conversation turned to happier things. Dad filled me in on what he's doing in Eve Online, we talked about how Amanda and I should go see Dr. Strange- that it is even better in IMAX 3-D, or so my Mom says. My Dad can't do 3-D movies because the glasses give him migraines. He got some work so he got my mom out of the house to see a movie. And we talked about how their go-to movie at home lately is Guardians of the Galaxy because my mom loves "rabid raccoon" a.k.a Rocket. I told him that I haven't seen a lot of newer movies or as many as I'd like or even bought any because it's not really Amanda's thing. I used to buy movies all the time and only ones that I knew I would watch over and over. Amanda doesn't really understand that. That's okay. It's not her thing, but it is mine and it makes me happy. Which brings me the fact that I've given up a lot of parts of myself to make others happy or make things easier or run smoother. It really is time to start taking that back and start putting my foot down. While that might cause some confrontation, it needs to happen so I can gain a bit of my self back and I stop doing what everyone else wants. I mean I am pretty flexible and easy going, that's just my nature, but I need to stop being so easy going that I lose out on what makes me happy. 

Also, while my blog is a venting ground, a place for me to decompress and express myself without giving a shit what anyone else thinks, I am choosing to share pieces of my struggles with the hope that anyone who reads this, that has similar feelings and thoughts, knows they aren't alone. There's someone out there that while our experiences are not the same, while I am not in your head, I can't hear your thought or feel your feelings, I do understand, from my perspective how much this this hurts, how debilitating it can get, how frightening, and how much you just want it to stop. Knowing you aren't alone can sometimes help. 

Speaking of happy and bringing in some healing and positivity, the book discussion group I am in did a chapter on meditation which also had section on affirmations. I'm not so great with affirmations so while I don't think some people were as keen on the idea of writing up and making some personal affirmations for homework as I am, I'm just going to do it for myself. This is something I feel I need to do for awhile. I found a couple of really pretty and or nice ones on the internet as a little inspiration and I will leave you with them. 

Inspiration at the most inconvenient time, creating a new schedule, creating a space, dreams

art by Yuehui Tang

Here we are again, back to the sleepless night. This time, at least, it was because my brain took a flying leap down a rabbit hole. It began with the thought of how cold I was and that I really should get my ass in gear and make that Halloween/Gothic quilt I've been meaning to make. From there I pondered if I wanted to do some embroidery, and then I got to thinking about Christmas/ Yule presents I need to get started on. Of course from there I had to text myself from Amanda's phone some ideas which in turn made think of the embroidery patterns I have and that I should resize them and e-mail them to myself so I can print them out at the library tomorrow. And I also remembered that I need to resize a free envelope template I found earlier tonight. Then it was back to me being cold, not really tired, and that I should just get up for a little bit, get this stuff done, and then try to sleep again.  My brain seems to be the most active between 11 and 2 am when it comes to anything creative. Which has to be a left over habit from when I used to do the most writing during this time of night. I did that for years. 

I've decided, after all the depression crap last week, that I need to create and establish a new schedule. If I don't do it tonight, I will be doing it tomorrow. I've also decided that while I do like google calendar and will probably still use it, I really do prefer to have a planner. I love the planner I have purchased the last two years, but I really want something more personalized this year. My aim this year is to buy a fairly cheap one from wal-mart, nothing spectacular, and get some sticker paper, and print out planner stuff from online. Making some stickers of my own might be kind of fun too and would force me to dig out my digital art tablet.   

All of this being said, there's a been a bit of unrest for me within my house. I haven't quite found a space that feels right to do a lot of work. The kitchen table is nice but I can't really work on stuff there all the time. My desk is wonderful, but the bedroom is a disaster and lately Narcisa enjoys walking across or standing right on my keyboard. On top of that, I don't really have a spot to put up my writing manifestation board. I will figure it out, the important thing for me is to get off the sofa and into my desk chair if only because I tend to sit up straight more frequently and for longer periods of time. I also get up more and that will help with keeping my circulation moving.

Lastly, a couple of nights ago, I had a really interesting dream. I don't remember what I was doing, only that I told someone in my dream that I needed to get my camera, and get outside to try and get pictures of the supermoon. When I went out, there was a fully bloomed rose in the moon, much like that house is in the moon in the pictures above. It was interesting. I can't remember if I got pictures or not or what happened after. But I looked up the meanings on dream dictionary app on chrome. Together you can't really look up the meaning, but if you break it down, into rose and moon, then you get this:

Rose

The rose in dreams carries with it a great deal of symbolism. It suggests Perfection and Passion, Life and Death, Time and Eternity. It also represents the heart, the centre of life and as a psychological symbol symbolizes perfection. It contains within it the mystery of life and its grace and happiness.

 Moon

The moon represents the feminine and the spiritual self. How the moon appears to you in your dream suggests how close or distant you are from your inner feelings. For example, seeing a full moon means that you are closely in touch with your instincts and inner emotions.

In my case, lately I have thought a lot about life and death, not just for myself, but for family. I've thought about time, losing time or wasting it, and in so far as passion and perfection, I would say that I have spent sometime worrying over my passion for writing, and my constant need/desire/obsession to improve, to make it perfect, and so on. Where the moon comes in to play, I've been working on a spiritual aspect of my life. that I saw a full moon and have now learned what that means, soothes a great upset I've had for a long time. Some shit went down and for awhile someone made me distrust my own instincts and since then I have been trying to let that go, to move on and learn to trust them again and connect and deal with emotions and hurts I have buried for a long time. 

Things learned and things I had forgotten about this election, my clarifying doctor visit, and cute things

Lisa Toms' work, she can be found on etsy and deviant art.
I found a cute thing! 

When I was in 8th grade, I had a civics class. When I was a Senior in high school, I had a government class. You know what I mostly remembered from my senior government class? That I tested as a 'liberal republican' and my teacher didn't understand how that could be. Granted this was middle of the bible belt- Kansas, which is a largely red or republican state. Politics weren't a big deal to me then and didn't become so until  got older. However, I did learn things, things I thought I had forgotten but when thinking about the inner workings of the government and last night's dismal election, I remembered. It is my opinion that neither Hillary nor Trump were good candidates or really fit for the position. Both are criminals in my personal opinion but I had less to be afraid of with Hillary than I do with Trump. 

Were there other candidates that weren't republican or democrat? Yeah, Jill Stein was from the Green Party and there was a guy from the Libertarians, and there were a few others from other parties, but with the way things are, they don't really stand a chance do they? They are never really heard or the way things have been, the way things will continue to be unless people act, they never will be and we will be stuck in this bipartisan system. 

Which brings me to the next thing, this business of moving to Canada. Stop, just stop and think. If you hightail it to Canada, you will be doing the exact same things people complain about immigrants in or country are doing, legal or not. (My personal stance on immigration is that I don't mind it as long as people do it legally- no I am not heartless, I understand extenuating circumstances, and I hope for the best, but you have to respect the law of the place you're seeking help and refuge in.) So, instead of running away, why not stay where you are, stop complaining, and actually do something about it. Fight back and keep fighting, actually stand up for what you believe in. Stop complaining and start trying to help fix the problem. Besides, you don't have the right to complain about something unless you've tried to help fix or find a solution or in this case that and got your ass out to vote. By the way the electoral college is stupid and needs to go! It doesn't take into consideration the actual popular vote.

Okay, that's all I am going to say about politics. Moving on to my clarifying doctor's appointment yesterday. After I had processed all that was said and took place yesterday, I've come to the conclusion that I need to find another doctor. Do not mistake or misunderstand that I know I am really fucking fat. I look in the mirror every day, I put clothing on every day. I am hyper aware of my body every day. I do not need to be reminded or even subtly shamed about about my weight not once or even several times within an hour long appointment. 

First my doctor didn't want to weigh me on the regular scale because she didn't think it could handle it. When she took my blood pressure, or lamely tried, the wrist cuff, which felt fine didn't want to work or so he claimed. So she switched to the arm cuff, which plenty of arm cuffs have worked on me in the past and recently. She said it wasn't going to work. So I have to go to a pharmacy and sit at one of those blood pressure machines and then text her my results. Furthermore, while I was glad that she believed me about my period problems, and was sympathetic to the fibromyalgia problems I have been having, she expressed that my depression problems would clear up when I lose weight and eat right "unless there is a chemical imbalance I don't know about" and so will a lot of my "other problems" like not being able to sleep very well if at all the last couple of weeks. A-are you shitting me? I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety when I was in high school. It's in my fucking medical records- which she has at her disposal! 

Okay, I do not deny that losing weight and eating a bit better will do me some good, but it is not the cure all for my depression. Nor is it a cure all for me being able to sleep or a pain stopper. I mean this woman actually sat there and told me that the reason I can't sleep is because I eat carbs. She is trying to push me into eating a no carb diet, to doing the human growth hormone starvation diet which comes with a large book sized packet of information, and oh yeah, she wants me to buy supplements from her because they are non-gmo and organic- as if I can afford that. She also told me that she in 100% certain that I am diabetic just by looking at me and is sure my labs with confirm that. Then she told me that I am dying. I have no idea if she called in my depression medication prescription, she wouldn't write me a prescription for my heartburn/ GERD problem because it is best if I get off that medication before it is too late (news flash, water gives me heartburn), and she wouldn't even recommend melatonin- a Gods Damn Supplement to try to help me sleep at night. I need a new doctor. I am going to try to get into Amanda's doctor, she's holistic and at least seems to have her shit together better. 

On a much happier note...

I am almost finished with this book. There were a couple of stories that I skipped because I just couldn't get into them. However, there are several really good ones. I really enjoyed Yasmin Galenorn's for instance. I will probably finish it up today. 

Every time we've gone to the bookstore, I've never really had enough to buy this book and it was never in the section where there were deals running. But yesterday, I found it for digital borrow from my library. I almost can't wait to read it. Richelle Mead write the Vampire Academy series and I really loved it. Of course, I still have to read the Bloodlines spin off series and her Glittering Court series, but I am working on it. the last bit of college burned me out a little on reading and I am just now getting back to it. 

One last cute thing...

Don't know who did the art for this one, found this on pinterest, anyway, baby Legolas with kittens perhaps singing for his Dad! 

 

Screw Sleepless in Seattle, it's Sleepless in Spokane, selling my soul, and election day among other things

Not sure who made this, but its so pretty!

I can honestly say that I have never seen Sleepless in Seattle. I remember catching a tiny snip-it of it when I was younger and being so utterly annoyed with it, that I refused to ever watch it. But then again, I've also never liked Meg Ryan. That aside, I've been having a terrible time sleeping, hence the "sleepless in Spokane" title. Lately I've either been too afraid to sleep- not sure why- or I only sleep a couple of hours at a time and can't seem to stay in bed for long. I usually end up on my sofa some time after 2:30 in the morning or around 5 in the morning. I've tried making myself really cold because when you warm up again you're supposed to get sleepy. I've tried reading. I've tried all manner of things. So, today at my doctor's appointment, I am going to ask if I might have some sleeping pills for a week to see if they can help get me back on track. It worked once before. 

The depression and anxiety front isn't getting much better, nor is the physical pain issues, although yesterday I felt a little better. Today, I've had to do a phone interview with the social health and services department and the whole time I was shaking, wanted to vomit, and cry, and felt like I was betraying myself or selling my soul. It was awful and I have to go in to do an in person interview with a social worker. As of right now though, I do get some food stamp assistance. 

It is election day here in the USA. I am not looking forward to it, dreading it actually. My state does voting by mail and I have yet to drop off my ballot at the drop off station. Amanda still needs to fills hers out and then we can drop it off at the library drop off station. I can't help but feel doomed no matter who wins, but I feel less doomed if Hillary wins. 

I haven't done much with National Novel Writer's Month. I have a little over 1,000 words and normally I would be at 20,000 by now. I am just going to have work really hard to catch up. 

Emotionally things for me are getting worse. I read an article yesterday talking about the super moon this month having something to so with it. I hope that 's the case, but if not, I've been trying to convince myself that things have to get worse before they can get better. but how much worse are they supposed to get? Where do you draw a line in the sand and say, enough is enough? More than once I've had the feeling of not knowing who I am anymore and that I'm not going to make it. When I told Amanda, she asked me why and how I think I am not going to make it. I don't know what to tell her because I don't know why or how. It doesn't make sense to me. Oh well. It;s time for me to get ready to go to my doctor's appointment. I am hoping this visit is a good one.

That's not what that means and when the pain keeps you up.

well this is a lie...

You know those silly little tests and quizzes you can find on the internet. Well, some of my Facebook friends were doing the one above and I refuse to link to it because it is inaccurate. Hannah or the Japanese equivalent of my name "Hana" means flower in Japanese, not Star as my first run through of this test said, and not warrior. But I did like the picture and while my name may not mean warrior, I am going to keep this and maybe print it out for a manifestation board because it is something to hang on to when I'm down. And I have been really, horribly down lately. 

Pain has kept me awake longer and and more frequently lately. I didn't sleep the night before last, had to take Amanda to work, and finally crashed from plain and simple exhaustion after 10 am yesterday. I awoke around 2 pm. Last night it took Amanda trying to tell me a story- she fell asleep-, me throwing the blankets off me to get cold and then warming up, and telling myself a story, getting up and down a few times, before I finally got some sleep. I don't know what time it was but what I do know is that it was almost 1 pm before I awoke today and I awoke in a lot of pain. I haven't been able to quell said pain all day. I tried applying Tiger Balm to all the places that hurt and then some lavender lotion to my hands so that I might relax and sleep, but I just could not get comfortable. Between poor Amanda's snoring (she had sleep apenea and her doctor is working on getting her a Cpap) and the pain, I just said fuck it, and surrendered to the living room. I thought, I might as well try to write since I had a bit of the urge to write today. 

That's not working out so well for me at the moment. I've been to facebook, went to the National Novel Writer's Month website and set up my novel for this year, and have even opened a word document. So far, not one word of my novel has been written. Okay, that's not totally true. I am working on a novel that I tried and have failed to write for the last couple of years. It's a long, depressing story, and maybe I just wasn't ready to write it when I thought I was. Whatever. Suffice it to say, while I was actually kind of dreading signing up and participating in NaNoWriMo this year, and I am late to the party, I am going to do it anyway. 

 My Dad is apparently taking up the challenge this year too. He asked me how many words I had written and when I told him none, he said he had me beat because he has 300+. He and my Mom were on their way to my Grandparent's house and in the background I could hear my Mom instructing me to send her some of my new stories because she is out of things to read again. I don't have that many, just the ones I did for school... But this was pretty much the politest way my Mom could crack her whip and tell me to get my ass in gear. She can be a real bitch with all the "now now now" stuff (she has OCD). But in this instance, it was actually kind of nice.