Friday, May 13, 2016

Brooding is bad but I do it so well, adulting, and a cold, semi-dark house

Today has already been eventful. I got up, took Amanda to work not the park and ride bus stop, all the way downtown. I went to Starbucks, drove to Coeur d'Alene to pick up and pay for my medical records, stopped to get gas, went to Yoke's to get a money order, and paid the damned late fee for my apartment. Apparently there is some paperwork Amanda and I have to sign but instead of our landlord just giving it to me today to sign and bring back on Monday, she asked if she could give it to me on Monday because she is running behind on stuff today. I don't mind but I did ask for a work order which I am going to make copies of because Amanda and I have a lot of things we want to fix in this apartment, like the bathroom fan. It sounds awful, like it's going to fly out and kill us every time we turn it on or off. I think the only thing that is keeping it from doing so it the light. Then there is stove burner issue, the chipped paint they never fixed before we moved in (which we are happy to fix if they let us paint the hideous brown wall a different color), and we would like to have them tear the floor out in the kitchen so we can adequately take care of the ant problem and get the laminate flooring in that they are doing in other apartments. But we will talk to them about that later.

So aside from doing all of that, I've called the doctor's office I want to go to and left a message for them to call me back. It's 11:20 now and they are open until 12 noon. 

Now I just want a nap but I have homework to do. So I think I will either take a nap and set an alarm or do as much homework as I can until I fall asleep. 

Part of my homework is finishing my 20-25 page short story. It needs to get done. I know the more I write the better I will feel. I know the more I write, the more confidence I will have in my writing. These are things I know or at least hope for. But, I have little to no confidence in myself. I told Amanda yesterday that she's an amazing writer and that I am only ever going to be mediocre and that it was no reflection on her, that this is just what the vicious depression and anxiety monster in my head are telling me. It is so bad that I feel like I can't finish my assignment for school and if I can't do that then how the hell am I going to finish any of the books I've started and been working on? If I can't finish them, then what was the point in going back to school and it just spirals down from there. Damn it I really hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate how my stupid brain works. I hate that I don't have the confidence I used to have not just in writing but in life in general. And as much as I love my Mother, I hate that she asked me when I got to be such a wuss. I know she was asking because she is shocked and concerned and wants me to be apparently "bad ass" again, but I don't know if I will ever be. I bring that up because I keep hearing her voice in my head asking me that and I am disgusted with myself. 

Since I am feeling this terrible, I am sitting in my comfort zone. The blinds are closed, the air conditioner is on because the neighbors are out smoking all around and there is a lot of noise and allergens blowing around. And I am going to make arrangements to see about going back to therapy because I really think I need too.   

No comments:

Post a Comment