A little Halloween and some coming clean

Last night Amanda drove us out a little passed Nine Mile Falls to a place called Creepy Hallow in Suncrest. For 5 dollars each we were taken on a tour through a haunted house in the woods. Upsides: coffee/ cocoa to drink, being out in the woods on a chilly-wet night, enjoying the atmosphere and creepy music. Down sides: Amanda twisted her ankle on the way to the car, my inner theater student kicked in and wished the actors could have been a little bit more convincing, and it was so dark that we couldn't really enjoy all the fun props. Otherwise, it was a fun and I liked getting out to do something. 

Tomorrow night, Halloween, I am not wholly sure what we are doing. I am supposed to make soup and I might make some bread if I feel up to it. We will probably watch some movies too. 

In coming clean, I have to confess that I honestly don't know how I wrote the story for Magaly's contest or posted for the last Haunted Humpday. Both seem like they happened ages ago. Even the Halloween party we had last weekend feels that way. My depression and anxiety rode in on the crash-down from the hype of our Halloween party, took up residence, and was especially terrible this entire week. I couldn't clean my house. Taking a shower was extra daunting. I don't remember if I got dressed most of the week, much less brushed my hair. I had fights with myself to move off the sofa, to do the dishes, to DO something besides watch Netflix. There was a lot of fear, crying, panic, self abasement and loathing, and so on. It was made worse when I tried to do some self reflection journaling for book group I am in. That topped me right over and only seemed to make things worse. In fact, when I found myself laying in bed, sobbing my eyes out thinking that I should leave Amanda so she could get into a cheaper apartment and do stuff she wanted to do, move back to Kansas to see my parents and grandparents and hopefully I would be dead in a year, I forced myself out of bed, choked down a full xanax and put myself back to bed. 

Thursday was I saw my therapist. She said that self reflection journaling shouldn't do this. she's having me do a worksheet as a starting point to get to the root of stuff so we can go from there. 

I started to feel better Friday and even yesterday but when I woke up today, I felt like I was being pulled down again. The situation was only exacerbated when we discovered that one of our oh so charming neighbors had stolen one of the pumpkins we grew, right off our patio table. And this is after earlier in the week having stupid kids pulling disturbing pranks. I'm just so sick of it. There is no point in reporting any of it because the management won't do anything and the neighborhood policing effort lives to the side of us but is never open to talk to. I have never had so much trouble in any of the places that I have lived. 

I have also applied for ABD, it's a help service in my state and I am hoping that they can help me figure out how to start all the crap for disability. *sigh*

Right now Amanda is playing with the fire, it's raining, Fiona has Halloween cartoons on the TV, and I'm going to find the pumpkin risotto recipe for Amanda. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better because I don't want to be miserable on my favorite day of the year.