Today, we are cleaning Castle Nacht, a.k.a- the house. Its not truly that bad. It just need to be picked up and dusted, some things moved around, and vacuumed and swept. I need to do a little food prep for the week and get a soup started in the crock pot. A load of laundry is has already been put in the wash and is ready to be dried and another put in the wash.
I did not sleep well last night. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night to bloody mess in the bed, which sucks because we had just put clean sheets on the bed before going to bed. Gee, thanks PCOS. I cleaned up as much as I could and tried to get Amanda up, but she said it was fine until today. In other words, she was too out of it to want to get up and deal with changing the sheets again. I can't blame her, she had to be up at 4 this morning to go to work. I will be dealing with that shortly.
This morning I was pestered awake and then stalked by Narcisa. She was out of food so I fed her, grabbed a granola bar for myself and plopped down on the sofa. Apparently she still wanted my attention because she came over shortly after breakfast. She's been back a couple of times, going between me and the patio window.
The house has been nice and quiet all morning and I am enjoying it. I did talk to my friend Felicia for a little bit. She's having it rough since having her baby a little over a week ago. She had to do a C-Section because there were some complications and now, it seems that her beautiful baby girl may have to have stomach surgery. I really hope if she does, everything goes perfectly. I finally met and got to hold the baby yesterday and I already adore her and want to spoil her. Of course I want to spoil her older siblings too and miss seeing them every day.
No matter how many people tell me it is okay to apply for disability, that I do deserve it because I do need it, that I am just having a hiccup, its still killing me inside. I am so angry with my body and I don't want to be. I am so tried of fighting and never getting anywhere. I feel like a soul-sucking-energy-draining-mood-killing black ball when I am around other people. I feel tolerated and I know that isn't true. I know its my inner depression and anxiety demons whispering in my ear. I know it isn't true because I am still so floored when people want to spend time with me. I don't know. I'm tired and grieving the physical life I used to have, the confidence that doesn't exist anymore, the fearlessness. I don't know how to fix me and all I want to do is hide until I can be and give something of value. Because right now, aside from being with Amanda and keeping house and cooking food, I don't see a future for myself and I am afraid that I am just doing to drag everyone around me down with me. I don't want to and I am so sorry if I am putting extra stress on anyone.
Sorry you're a having a rough time sadly that the constant battle of mental health issues.
ReplyDeleteI know it's easy for me say but if your entitled to benefits I go for it. It may make thing easier. If you ever wanna talk email me and I'll responds. Good luck just remember your loved.
Thank you, Sarah. *hugs*
DeleteSorry you're a having a rough time sadly that the constant battle of mental health issues.
ReplyDeleteI know it's easy for me say but if your entitled to benefits I go for it. It may make thing easier. If you ever wanna talk email me and I'll responds. Good luck just remember your loved.
I can't imagine how you're feeling...you should try for the benefits, though. You do need them,they would help and you probably won't need them for long. It would be one less thing for you to worry about.
ReplyDeleteYou can always email me too:)
When I was doing not so well a couple years back, our cat Rigby would get up on my chest and lick my face and purr to me..they can sense our emotions so well.
Nice you have that kitty to try and soothe you.
big hugs.
I don't think Narcisa is really trying to soothe me so much as she is trying to soothe herself. Its okay though, I'll take it.
DeleteIt would be one less thing for me to worry about, if I can do it to get back on my feet. I want very much to ride a bike, to do things for myself, because as much as I love Amanda, it sucks to wait on her, especially since she is the biggest procrastinator I know, lol.
Bug hugs too!
It is a constant battle, but you're not alone. You're entitled to those benefits - try not to get stressed about it - visit the Citizens Advice Bureau, they really are a great help. Be kind to yourself, do more of the things you love, pamper yourself a little and cosy up with your kitty, a stack of books and good films. You've probably heard it said so many times already, but it's true... Time truly is a great healer ((hugs)).
ReplyDelete*hugs*
DeleteI am taking your advice and getting cozy with a book today. I've been talking to some friends who have dealt with some of this and will be seeing if I can talk with someone from DSHS.
I know how you feel, I'm in the same boat. Sometimes I feel so worthless I just want to disappear...Sometimes I even try to shut out the people who are trying to be there for me because I don't want them to see me like this and I don't want to drag them down...But you see, they keep sticking with me, because they care...so I guess, the least I can do is trying to help myself as much as I can, so their effort to drag me above the surface over and over again won't be in vain...Try for the benefits, you have the right to it and there is nothing wrong with admitting, that you need help.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are in the same boat, I'm sorry that a lot of us are. It's not a fun place to be. *hugs* I'm going to try for the benefits. I don't really have a problem admitting that I need the help, I just really wanted to be "normal" again and get my life back. Looks like it is going to take longer.
DeleteDearest, that last paragraph really resonated with me, and I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I have those thoughts too like I'm just a curiosity, I'm being pitied, or people will run away when they get to know the real me. But I am starting to learn that those thoughts are lies. All people have faults and weaknesses, and we actually love each other more for having them. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete*hugs* I wish no one ever felt this way, it is awful.
DeleteI am hanging in here and hope you do too!