Long time no see, I'm busy, but I am back!

It's been awhile. Not having a home whether it be apartment, house, or what have you, really took its toll on me. It took a toll on Amanda as well. We sofa hopped between two friend's house and her parents'.  Things were especially hard when we weren't with the cats. And, we were busy. Amanda was working, we were looking at houses and signing documents, shopping, helping with the family Xmas party, and really the list goes on. Then there was the signing and closing of our house and the big move! We are exhausted. We have a lot of stuff still to do, for instance, we need to finish painting. But I am getting ahead of myself.

The photo above is a picture of our little house. When my parents showed my Grandma, she said it looks like a Ginger Bread house. I suppose it does. It has a bedroom upstairs. Living, dinning, small kitchen and bath with a small bedroom are on the main floor. The basement is partial finished with a family room, an extra bedroom, laundry area and small storage area. The house itself is 81 years old and has good bones, an old coal shoot that's been sealed off, and a small entry way. Oh we have a garage and a nice, small, back yard. We're planning to do a  little gardening this year, if we can manage it. There are a lot of little things to fix within the house; a lot of big things too. We'll need to replace the washer and dryer- we can get some at the ding and dent center. We'll also need a lawn mower- can pick one up from a thrift store, hopefully. And we will need a garden hose. Our bathroom needs a little work, we need to paint some more, fix the broken window sills, and repair the stair rails for both sets of stairs. Eventually we will tear out the stairs and build new, redo the bathroom, and Amanda would like to build onto the back of the house to give me a bigger kitchen.  It will take us years, I expect. But first, I'm cleaning out cabinets, tearing out the old contact paper, and putting fresh down so that I may feel secure in knowing there is a clean place for my dishes. 

There was a great deal of stress before and during the move. There is still a lot of stress. I think we are trying to settle in and having trouble doing so. Point of fact, we have to unpack and arrange our house, do minor repairs, and we are simply and utterly exhausted. Amanda parents aren't even fully moved in. They are living in the basement. Her Mom is sick and her Dad is not exactly the most helpful of people, certainly a grump, but still lovable. Sorry, I'm a bit numb and tried, and well exhausted and my day has hardly begun. I have the first tinges of being sick and that's kind of pissing me off.

In other news, my Grandma turned 90 this December 1st. Then she tripped in her bedroom and fell, breaking her shoulder blade and three of her upper ribs. My parents have been staying with them to help around the house and help Grandma with things, mostly Grandpa. One of the jobs my parents took care of for my Grandparents this weekend was to cut wood and pile it near the back door. Grandma needed to be able to get to it easier for when they aren't there. Anyway, they worked for two hours and got at least a cord of wood cut. However, Dad also almost cut my Mom's hand off with the chain saw. He got a little close and thankfully, only nicked the back of her hand. She is okay and Grandma sewed up the glove, but my Dad is a little stressed, I could tell, even though he didn't say it. My parents are tired too. We've all just been going and going and going. Apparently my Aunt Laura isn't doing so well either. 

On top of that, we've had a broken toilet, which is thankfully now fixed, since it is the only one in the house. (We plan to put in a second one in the basement) And my cell phone died. Literally.  It has had problems for awhile and I have been patient with it. But last week it decided to fight me when I tried to charge it. Then one day, it simply wouldn't turn on or charge at all. Well, I bought it refurbished and had it for two years. It is time to take it to be recycled and order a new one. We can't do that just yet, we have to wait until Amanda gets paid again. I don't mind that much. 

In all of this you'd think I could be content to try to work on the house, unpack, and recuperate, get some writing done, but I decided to go back to school again. No, it's not a creative writing MFA, although I would like to pursue that eventually. I am attending the Woolston-Steen Wiccan Seminary.  I've been thinking about this for a while, a couple of years actually. Tuition is much cheaper than I thought it was going to be and I got a full scholarship in turn for service. So, I work for the school for 15 hours a week in lieu of paying tuition and if and when I am able to pay it myself, I will do so. They also have a sliding payment scale. anyway, my classes begin January 2nd and I am looking forward to them. I don't get to take an elective class until after my 30 day probationary period, but that's okay with me. 

All right, that's about all I can manage today. I have a list of stuff to do today and its looking like I may need a nap somewhere in there. Pictures of the inside of the house will come eventually. I'm not sure where my camera is and we're not unpacked and settled yet. It will take me some time, but I am hoping to get caught up on blog reading as well. I've missed you guys.  

Finally! Conflicted. Where I have been lately.

It doesn't seem like a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately and yet... 

First, my bank really dropped the ball. Not only did they lie about when the document they were supposed to be sending out would arrive, but now they seem to be ending free checking. That's fine, I was closing with them anyway. 

Second, the housing authority came through for us, voided the other check, and cut us a new one. So, we've gotten our friend Rachel paid back and mostly paid back Amanda's parents. We still owe them a little, but it will be taken care of shortly.  

Third, the housing inspection went well, the owners are going to fix basically everything, and the loan officer has already made arrangements for an appraiser to head out and look at the house. So far it looks like every thing is on schedule. However, December 13th, our closing date, can't seem to come soon enough. My plan is to get the painting done right away, let it dry, then move in. This is so we don't have to deal with the cats and paint. That's if every thing works out and we get the house. I am a little worried, the universe has thrown me some heavy slaps lately, so I am cautious. 

Speaking of, my panic attacks have gotten a little worse. I had one the other day that lasted half a hour. Amanda wanted to take me to the hospital. I am really getting sick of this. 

To keep my mind off things, I have been binge watching stuff on netflix. Total avoidance, I know, but it's what I can do right now. Between Voltron, Grey's Anatomy, and trouble getting to sleep at night, I managed to cook up a Voltron fanfic and I'm not too happy about it. Well, no, a fanfic is fine, but I want to focus on writing novels not fanfic, and I didn't want to start anything until after I was moved into a house. I tend to get obsessive about writing and don't like interruptions or distractions when I get going, and sometimes get a little cranky. And while there is a little privacy in two of the places we are bouncing between, there isn't really any place comfortable for me to set up- comfort as in my desk chair. However, it seems that no matter how resistant I am to writing this fanfic, it is that much more determined to make me write it. So, after much hemming and hawing, I finally broke down and wrote up a character bio for an OC, did a little research, and today I am going to start it. As Amanda keeps reminding me "all writing is practice". Yeah, I know that, but I'm not going to make a career out of fanfic. It is just frustrating. 

Aside from that, I've had some pretty awful dreams lately, two of which involved my mother either being seriously hurt or her dying. Another was an unsettling dream to begin with but only grew worse when I saw Amanda at a bus depot and the relief and safety I had in seeing her was ripped away when she came up to me and introduced me to a woman she was replacing me with. As if that wasn't bad enough, she said she was going to keep me to be the companion animal to this new wife and that I was going to be their cook and maid. Dream Amanda is a hoochie-mama-heffer-head-bitch! 

Well, that's about it for now. I'm rather tired, didn't sleep well last night, so I might take a small power nap. I'll catch up on blog reading a little later. 

I screwed up so bad, limbo, pain.

We are visiting our cats today. They are staying with the in laws until we have a house. 

Speaking of which, we made an offer on a cute little green house that our cousin Kitty Kat said looks like a fairy cottage. The offer was rejected and the owners asked for full price but they will pay closing costs and repairs. We are okay with that. That will work. So we have to put down our earnest money and then pay for a housing inspector to check foundations, wiring, ect... But, I fucked up royally. 

When Valley 206 gave us the relocation check, it had Amanda's and my name on it. We don't have a joint bank account. So when I signed and deposited the check into my account, my bank posted it then removed it and destroyed the check and sent out some legal document that we both have to sign, in person, in front of a teller, at the bank. Um, okay. That's fine, it really screwed us up, but okay. Except that we moved and our change of address- where we are getting our mail- hadn't yet kicked in. So if they sent it out like they said they did, then it would have gone to our old apartment- which had a vacancy sticker in it. So the letter would have gone back to Seattle, to the postal hub, to be rerouted to our forwarding address. Except it hasn't shown up and it has had plenty of time to come twice. 

We have been to the damned bank and the bank won't do shit for us. Not a Gods damned thing. We keep trying to get a hold of the Spokane Housing Authority to get them to cancel that check and reissue another one but we can't get a hold of them for shit and we aren't even sure if they will do it. 

So Amanda and I are sitting here, praying for the damned document to show before we lose out on this house. I've been so stressed out over all of this, over this one simple, yet colossal mistake of trying to take care of business while in the midst of moving out of our apartment, looking at houses, figuring out whose house I am going to be sleeping at this night or the next night, and going to the doctor, to therapy, and so on, that I can hardly stand it. I've cried every day over it. I've had panic attacks every day over it. Why can't we catch a break? 

A lot of people say its no the end of the world, but then they have never been in this situation. 

In other news, I went to the doctor today to get my blood drawn so she can check my thyroid. She made me pee in a cup too, to check my kidneys. I want to see what she says about my labs but I'm pretty sure we are going to change doctors soon. But I will talk about the why later. Oh and I have tendentious in both my Achilles tendons and carpal tunnel in both wrists. I now have to sleep with wrist braces for awhile. I also have had consistently high blood pressure for almost a year so I get to start taking blood pressure meds. Part of that is genetics, part of that is stress, and yes, part of that is my weight, but since every single person in my family, on my Dad's side, for the last several generations has had high blood pressure, um, yeah, it's probably mostly genetics. 

At the moment we are in limbo and the last several days I have been sleeping a lot and have been in a lot of pain. I have some big knots in my back that feel like knives. Amanda rubbed my back a little bit ago, but I might have her do some more later.

Honeymoon adventures and moving

We are back from our honeymoon. We are moved out of our apartment. We are living out of suitcases and couch surfing because we are officially homeless. There's a numbness to it, on the surface and maybe even a little under. Or perhaps I've shut down again to keep myself from crying. I am not okay and yet there is plenty to be thankful for. Staying positive, trying to look at things positively, I admit is exhausting, but I'm putting in the effort. A new chapter in our lives is beginning and I am fighting tooth and tangled hair to see excitement and the silver lining. So I'll go in order. 

We went to Seattle for our honeymoon. Amanda;s cousin graciously paid for our entire hotel stay in a lovely hotel in Issaquah. The bed was amazing and for the first time in years, I awoke in the mornings with little or no back pain. I felt spoiled. 

We were both sick the entire honeymoon but we got did not let it stop us. We went to the Northwest Railroad Museum and I rode a real train for the first time in my life. I loved it. All of the cars were from different trains and different time periods. We also got to see Snoqualmie falls on the ride, drank fresh, warm hot apple cider, and the train had to make an emergency stop because some jack ass tried to race the train and nearly got hit. Afterward, Amanda and I ate a picnic lunch in the rain by a river. 

Uwajimaya, a huge Asian food and gift store, in Seattle, was our next stop. We splurged a little and I'm still a little shocked that I spent 20 dollars on a bottle of Sakura Sake, which I am saving to drink in our new house (when we get it and are moved in). We spent so much in the grocery part of the store that we opted out of going to the book/anime shop nestled inside. A travesty to be sure, but I was really tired, aching, and we had one more place to go. Thankfully, Daiso, another Asian store on our list, was across the street. It is a very neat shop with interesting things from Japan. I would love to share our haul from both places but most of it is packed and in storage. After we finished there, we went to dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory.

On another day, we took a ferry from Seattle to Bremerton. I stood on the front deck the whole hour long ride and enjoyed the breeze and water. I saw jellyfish, loons, seaguls, and seals. It was amazing! As we pulled into port, I noticed that there is a naval port there and saw the ship Kitty Hawk, which I thought was pretty cool. From there we drove down to Tacoma to a little shop called Crescent Moon Gifts. Largely a pagan store, they also had a tea room, and some fantasy stuff too. I was in pain when we arrived and there was so much to look at. The staff was so nice and I enjoyed talking with them. The store is also very peaceful and despite being in pain, I relaxed while we were there. 

We were supposed to catch dinner with Amanda's cousin and his family back in Issaquah but we didn't make it. One of our tires went flat and we discovered that we had forgotten to buy a tire iron. So, with a dying cell phone, we messaged Amanda's cousin and knocked on the doors of three houses for help. House two didnt have a tire iron but lent us a cell phone charger. House three had a tire iron and while we changed the tire, the man's daughter asked if she could help. Of course! We weren't in a hurry and it was a learning experience for her. After we put the doughnut tire on, we thanked everyone, returned the phone charger, and headed to Costco so see about getting a new tire or repairing ours. Our tire was toast! Apparently in losing air, it got hot and shredded from the inside, and sadly Costco didn't have one to replace it. So we drove from Tacoma to Issaquah at 45 mph because the doughnut tire couldn't go above 50 mph, on the I-5 and I-90. We were only honked at 3 three times. The next day we spent milling about a small shopping center while Firestone changed our tire. 

Coming home was hard. We had a good time but we missed the kitties. We also dreaded the thought of moving out of our apartment.

Two of our friend had packed the majority of our apartment while we were away. I can't even begin to express how much of a help that was. We still had a lot to pack and we were both still sick. We took a day to rest and visit with Amanda's cousin Kitty Kat before she flew back to Tulsa. She'd come up to visit family and see us. 

In the scant few days following we were a chaotic rush and mess of packing. We've made several trips back and forth between Spokane WA and Post Falls ID- where Amanda's parent's live. We are storing our stuff in a garage they are renting at their apartment complex and they are watching our cats. A couple of friends pitched in and helped up load and unload the u-haul and also helped me when Amanda was at work. Because Amanda needs to be in Spokane to work and because we are looking for houses and I have a few doctor's appointments, and because of rental agreements of the people we are staying with, we are couch surfing. We can stay with Rachel a couple nights a week and stay with Amanda's parents a couple nights a week, and to finish out the rest of the time, we are staying with another friend a few nights a week. We are taking our mail at one of our friend's houses in Spokane because that's where we will be a majority of the time and it is one of the places we are staying at. 

This is all very stressful. I feel so lost and displaced. Some other things have happened, good and bad but I haven't processed them all. When I do, I will share. However, we are house hunting and trying to get well, and just trying to enjoy time with our friends, family, and kitties.            

Well, that happened, the paint is crying, and sick

Amanda and I. 

Well, it happened. We are married! Finally! The day of was pretty intense. Amanda was freaking out and I was trying to take it easy. Of course part was that as because I twisted both ankles and fell at Scarrywood the night before and the other part was because I wanted to be as calm as possible. Everyone else was freaking out and I'm not going to go into it, its done and over. 

The ceremony was beautiful, what I remember of it. It seemed to happen fast and a lot from that day is a blur and I was in a lot of pain. Thankfully, people recorded it. We never got to dance, never even got to listen to the music that wasn't in the ceremony itself. We basically got to eat dinner and a little cake and then the pavilion lights went out and it was time to clean up. Only, I didn't. I was cold and hurting, and went to warm up in the car. 

We had a small after party at a friend's house. I was planning to get drunk only I hung in long enough to sit by the fire for a few minutes, drink non-alcoholic hot cocoa, and then fell asleep on my friend's sofa. Another friend scared me awake to give me a hug goodbye. Amanda and another friend, both drunk, woke me up to go join the coven they were making in the back yard, but I was too sleepy. I do remember my friend nuzzling my boobs and pulling on my arm, but that was it. Apparently they made me drink some alcohol too. I missed all the vomiting excitement too, for which I am thankful.

The next morning when we walked to our car, parked around the corner from my friend's house, we found this gem:

Since Our car was parked facing away from the road and the damage as done on the passenger side, I can only assume that someone walking by threw something or hit the windshield as they were passing by. That's at least a 300 dollar fix and it will just have to wait until after we get back from the honeymoon. We have far too much shit to do at the moment. 

Speaking of which. I am sick and Amanda is feeling the first of it. I think it is a combination of stress, us being out in the cold rain the night before our wedding, and the mildew- mold smell permeating our apartment.

Two weeks or so ago we had what looked like a lactating tit dripping water down into our shower. I called maintenance about it. They came and slashed it and told us that they needed to let it dry out and that they weren't going to fix it until after we moved out since we are moving out on the 30th of this month. Lovely, how kind of them to leave us with this over our heads while we shower and while our out of town wedding guests shower. Fuckers.

Thursday night, after SScarrywood, we came home to a small puddle in the bathroom and our bathroom wall looking like this:

The next morning, our wedding day, it looked like this:

I went down to talk to the office about it. The apartment managers were gone so I cornered one of the Walker Construction guys and told him. I told him it was my wedding day, we were going to have people in and out of my apartment all day, but that I would be home Saturday. Well they don't work on Saturday, which he neglected to tell me, but he did say he would talk to someone about it. 

I waited all day Saturday and by Sunday morning I had had enough. Especially when I stepped in a wet spot in the hall way. I'm not sure how the water migrated there, I checked the water heater closet and nothing was wet in there and everyone swore they didn't spill anything. So I called Emergency Maintenance. They came out looked, mopped up the floor with some towels and did something with the water upstairs, which was where it was coming from. Our house smells awful. I'v had the dining room window open the last couple of days to try and help air it out. I've also kept the house kind of cold to discourage mold from growing. I don't know if that's doing any good or not. 

Since I have been sick the last few days, I've been resting, sleeping, and downing cold care tea, mucinex, and cough drops. Neither  Amanda no I want to be sick on our honeymoon next week, so I am doing my best to rest and get over whatever crap it is that I have. No, I am not smoking anymore. I quit that the day before I got sick. This doesn't help our efforts to pack up our house to move. In fact, Amanda has been doing most of it. Two of our friends are going to come over while we are on our honeymoon to finish it up for us, that way, when we get back, we can get a truck, and load it all into storage. Man this month fucking sucks! 

On the house hunting front, we have viewed two houses. They weren't us, not really. So we are still looking. 

For today, I am going to take the car back to emissions, finally, and hope it passes. Then I am going to go get car tags, finally. At some point the car needs an oil change and we need to pack for our hoeymoon and pick up our order from Torrid. But, at this very moment, I have a very spoiled and needy orange cat curled up on the table and on my arms wanting more attention, so everything else can wait a damned minute.

Shit heads, kicked out of bed, and good news, finally!

First I'd like to point out that my darling fiance is a bitch. She's happily, loudly, snoring the night away, cozy, and smack dab in the middle of our bed. She got testy with me when I asked her to turn over. Then the next thing I know she's facing me again and gradually pushing me out of the bed. Fine, I'll just go sit on the sofa,, which is where I am. I've only been here since about 3:30 am, wide awake, peckish, and thinking about turning to coffee pot on- since I apparently don't get to sleep. 

Second, the apartment twats strike again. The renovation noise was pretty bad yesterday but I only have to put up with it in the afternoon. They turned off the stair well lights so our entry way is dark, okay no big deal, I guess. But what kind of pissed me off yesterday was the note on my door about cigarette butts littering the stair well that they say clean up or get a 25 dollar fine. The letter was addressed to everyone but only my door received it. 1. Not all of those are mine. 2. I am getting to it but I'm kind of in the middle of moving, because you are kicking me out. 3. Go fuck yourself. They just want more money. They also know that we are pretty tidy with the outdoor stuff, our patio is damned cute. Also, all those cigarette butts at the entrance to our stairwell was from me sweeping them up from the parking lot in the first place. I just got distracted and forgot to grab a bag to put them in for the trash. I've kind of been uber stressed out the last several months, I'm not always on top of everything. The really vindictive side of me wants to sweep up our entire section's parking lot, wait until we move out a couple of weeks and then slip in sometime in November to dump them all on the office door step. However, I won't  because it's not management who will have to clean it up, it the maintenance guys.

There is good news. My friend Rachel bleached and dyed my hair last night. I was going for a darker blue ombre look. The sapphire blue didn't really come out as dark as it was supposed to and I need to do a little touch up for missed spots, I just decided that I am going to take what is left of the sky blue and do an all over application today. I'll catch the missed spots and even out what sort of took and what didn't. I also think that for this ombre effect to really work, with the blue that is, I need get my blues farther apart in color. As in do really dark, a medium, and a really light. I think I got them too close together. No big, it was a learning experience. I'm just happy to have all blue hair again. 

The best piece of good news, and one that makes me feel a large sense of relief, is that we were pre-approved for a home loan yesterday. Our lender is such a nice guy and he is going to send me a list of realtors that his company works with. After talking with some friends who have been through the home buying process, that seems to work the best because both entities know each other's process and can help us fast track when we find a home we like.  

Explosion, meltdown, thank the gods for Amanda and friends

The last couple of months have difficult and stressful, I've whined, ranted, and bitched enough about on this blog for everyone who reads it to have a very clear picture. 

Well, I have been trying really hard to hold it together, to get things done, and push myself into a positive- more happy state of mind. Amanda is having a hard time too and I want to support her 100% especially because she does so much and works so hard. Try as I could, bits of crying and doom and gloom eked out. It eked out of her too and yesterday I lost it. 

I awoke feeling awful, in pain, and ready to cry the moment I opened my eyes. We watched some anime for a an hour and tried to get started with the house- since it was Amanda's day off after working 8 in a row. Well, neither of us were doing so great and so we were slow to get going. It didn't help that they've already started tearing up the apartment above us there were constant loud bangs, thumps, and stomping. It was starting to drive me nuts. So I left to go get our marriage licence while Amanda began getting the living room ready to move our bed into it. We want to use our bedroom to put all the packed boxes in so they are out of the way. 

Anyway, I drove all the way downtown and when I arrived I realized that Amanda needed to be with me and that I didn't have change for the parking meter. On top of that it seemed like a lot of people were driving erratically n the highway. Which, really doesn't help the dream like feeling I was experiencing. The drive home wasn't good and the closer I got to home, the more angry I became. Stop and go traffic on the highway with people zipping in and out around me doesn't ever help that situation.  

When I finally got in the apartment, I told Amanda not to freak out I needed to scream. Then I just let it out. I realized after that the windows were open and that I'd freaked out the cats. The cats I cared about the neighbors can go fuck themselves. But that seemed to have been the tipping point because I began crying and couldn't stop. It got bad, really bad. I don't know what it is that happens in my brain when I slip into a sobbing session like that, what it is that makes me kind of half panic, but I start scratching. I had chewed my fingernails down just in case, but that didn't seem to matter. I was still scratching a little. Amanda sat me down and held my hands and talked to me, helped me remember to breathe. After awhile I calmed down enough to get up and go to the bathroom.

While I was in there, the panic started to ramp up again but I kind of went half numb. It was very weird. I hear Amanda call her Mom and hear her crying. She was so upset. This is supposed to be a happy time, we're getting married, its shouldn't be like this- this is what I can remember- and at that point everything bottomed out. I can't stand to hear her cry like that. I can't stand for her to be that upset, hurting this much.  I just. I have a problem with self harm. I never attack anyone else, just myself. I punched my legs, I scratched the hell out of my stomach but it was kind of like I wasn't there, only half there. Its hard to describe. Then when I realized what I was doing, I freaked even more because I don't want to be like that, I don't want to do these things. 

I got myself to calm down a little, enough to get out of the bathroom. I told Amanda I was going to put clean sheets on the bed, then make dinner, but I needed to do something first. She said okay. I came out to the living room and got on facebook because I knew we both needed help not just with the wedding and packing up the apartment. Only I sat there for half an hour unable to ask because I am terrified that my negative energy, my negativity and crazy will bog others down. I do not want to be a burden ever. I already feel like one some of the time. The longer I sat, the darker my thoughts became. I was crying again but not so bad per se. 

Amanda came out and wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was having bad thoughts. She asked if I could share them with her, I did and she went to go change clothes because she was going to take me to the hospital. I freaked out. Mostly because I was afraid that they would just drug me up and send me home or keep me and then not let me leave and then I would be stuck in there and miss my wedding. 

Amanda got me calmed down from that. I decided I needed to talk to my friend Chris and go fora  short drive. I ended up at the gas station to get cigarettes. I felt better by the time I got home. We decided to call and check on another friend and see how she was doing and then twenty minutes later she was here and we talked about so much stuff. I felt so much better afterward. Exhausted, but better. I hope Amanda and our friend did too. 

Today, I feel almost back to normal. The bulk of the weight I was feeling is gone and I can breathe again. I think more clearly and feel more grounded and stable. I'm going to talk to my therapist about what happened. I think I am okay, at least for now and hopefully for a long time. I want to focus on the wedding and be happy, and help Amanda have a good and happy experience. This is an exciting time for us, we should be caught up in it not bogged down with borderline depression.     

Consulting the Skulls, More Sad News, and formulating plans for battle

While the cats are in the window enjoying the birds and squirrels, I've been beginning my day with a bit of the normal routine. E-mail has been checked, facebook messages have been checked, coffee is being consumed, and Amanda has been driven to the bus stop, all the while I've bitch slapped the depression monster. I'm not sure what makes my ability to do it this morning different from other times, perhaps its because I'm angry. 

Recently, because I've been fascinated with horoscopes and astrology, I finally sat down and did a couple of "find out your signs" calculators online. I did a couple to test that the information was correct. What I was looking for was my ascendant/ rising sign. I already know my sun sign is Pisces (A water sign) and that my moon sign is Aries (a fire sign). After plugging in all the info, I learned that my ascendant/rising sign is Leo (a fire sign). My first thought was "SHIT"! I'm water and double fire?! And then I realized that makes a lot of sense in how I approach and handle things in life. Also, my mother is a Leo and my father is a Gemini. I would like to learn more and thankfully, I have a couple of friends who really like astrology as well as the internet as some books. It is time. 

not my photo

A couple of nights ago, while my depression monster was singing me her favorite poisonous songs, I decided it was time to consult the universe, Gods, Ether, what have you for just a general "What do I need to know?" Normally I would use a tarot deck, but for some reason I felt pulled to draw from this oracle. LET GO was the main message. That's one of the hardest things for me, but I am trying. 

The sad news is that neither of my parents will be attending the wedding. I think there is more going on than either of my parents are telling me. They don't like to worry me, but that worries me even more. Especially when my Dad tells me over text that he is sorry that life seems to be imploding for both of us. With his and Mom's depression, I'm more than a little worried. But basically, Mom was scared to navigate airports alone. Being a tiny woman who is half deaf who also has health issues, that's more than a little scary. So, we are in the process of getting her to the doctor to get a statement saying that she can't fly due to health reasons so Delta will refund her ticket. Because really, if she was alone and had a seizure, she'd end up in a hospital with no insurance and Dad would have to go get her and that would just be a mess.  So, yeah. 

We were outside when my next door neighbor got home last night and told her the sad news of our impending move. She was pissed and sad too. She likes us. We are relatively quiet and nice and don't bother anyone. She said we should fight them. She also said she can point out all the apartments who's tenants who are fraudulently staying here. That's depressing. She also asked us why we only for 30 days to move out when everyone else got 120 days. We don't know the answer to that. I don't want to ask or poke the bears down in the office lest they decide to revoke the $1800.00 they are giving us for relocation costs. I'm sure part of that money is to shut us up, to make sure that we don't bitch to who ever about it. But little do they know that they pissed off the wrong Witch. I know we have wanted to get the hell out of here, I know that we haven't liked dealing with them and their lack of professionalism and care of the property, but we wanted to move out on our own terms when we were ready, not be forced out during the month of our wedding. After we have moved, after we have that check and have cashed it, I'm raising hell. Every one I have talked to about it says to do it, which keeps me from mentally making excuses for their behavior and backing down to be the doormat who gets shit wiped on her. No, not this time. There will be reviews left on every apartment website. There will be a message sent to the local news paper about them and the housing authority. I won't be talking about just our experience but that of my friend who was forced to live with cockroaches for two months because they couldn't get their shit together. It's on.... just after my wedding.

So while I will be formulating the best course of action to take for that piece of business, I am going to spend today making a plan as to how I want to pack up my apartment. I need to make somewhat of a meal plan so I know what groceries to get, and I need to make a list of things to do apartment wise, as well as what's left to be done for the wedding. I am hoping that today  I can get my hair bleached and dyed as well. I've already sent off the information to our lender to see if we can get pre-approved for a home loan and am waiting to hear back on that.  Aside from that, I'm just going to try and relax today. I might be mostly ready mentally to start doing things, but I feel like shit physically and need to calm down and not over do it or I won't be good for anything. The one thing I hate most is sitting around and watching everyone else do the hard work. I feel like a giant ass hole when that happens. But, it is what it is. 

Losing home, are you kidding me, and almost hospital

Five months ago I asked my parents if me buying their plane tickets, taking care of them while they were at my house so they could attend my wedding, would be okay. My friend Rachel was fronting me the money and I was to work it off during the summer at her Kettle Corn stand. My parents said okay. Two weeks ago my Dad said he might be able to come because they would never dig themselves out of the hole from losing a weeks worth of his pay. Amanda said she'd give him money to supplement them coming up. We don't have it but we were going tom make it happen. That just pissed my Dad off.  There were somethings happening at his job that might have allowed him to come. Except they never happened. He never got the promotion, he never got the job with another correctional facility in another county.... it is a mess.  So he is not coming. My Dad is not coming to my wedding. It is official. And I am not okay with it. I understand why. But it still hurts. It still feels like I'm not worth the effort in a way. 

Worse, it sounds like my Mom wants to bail on me to. I was talking to her last night about another issue and she said "If I come up". I just about lost my shit. "I said, what do you mean 'if'. You're coming!" But you know at this point. Fuck it. Just fuck it. No I don't want her flying alone. Yes, the lay overs suck and the changing of planes is a hassle, but damn it, aren't I worth the fucking effort? Apparently not. 

On top of that, my fears of being kicked out of our apartment came true yesterday. They finally found something to give us the boot and they can get away with it. Amanda makes commission but it varies and is not a gaurnteed thing. But they basically did a 'projected' 'what she has the potential to make' estimate and used that to kick us out. It put us over the kick out line by $100 dollars. $100. We have 30 days to get out of our apartment. We still have to pay rent for October, the full amount, and if we move out before the 30 days is up, we don't get the money for the day not lived here back. When Amanda asked if we could have two months, they said no. I told them we are getting married next month, that my Mom is flying in from out of town, that we are going on our honeymoon. They didn't give a shit. It was pretty much "aww that sucks, get out".  They are giving us $1,800.00 for moving expenses. I am trying to look at that as a positive but it is very difficult. I don't actually trust that these people will hand us that money in the end. 

Last night was awful. I cycled through crying, wanting to break things, wanting to vomit, being furious, and then feeling like the ground under me was crumbling and I was scrambling to find something to hang on to before I was buried and suffocated by my own feelings. I tried to keep it all in and keep Amanda from texting my parents with offers to give them money we really don't have to they come to the wedding.  That just stressed me out more even though it was so kind and sweet of her. It's not her fault, its that my Dad won't take it. He's too proud. His pride is hurting me and I don't think he realizes it. 

I almost gave up last night. I was watching anime and talking to my friend Chris over facebook messenger. When things get really bad I have the urge to scratch and tear my skin. Last night I wanted to flay it off with a knife and it scared me. That's just not normal. I took half a xanax and sat on my hands. It was awful and I really considered asking Amanda to drive me to the hospital. I even mentioned it to her and she was going to take me. But I didn't go. She has to work today and couldn't afford to lose sleep. I didn't want to be away from my cats or away from my home. 

On top of that, Amanda broke out in hives all over her body. We don't know if she's got a latex allergy- she popped all the birthday balloons at her desk yesterday. Or if it was stress hives or both. She looks better this morning. 

Amanda and I are both trying really hard to be positive and look at this all positively. We want a house and this is a potential opportunity to make it happen sooner rather than later. We've already been looking and last night I found one that I really like in our price range. We've been making a plan of what to do. We have a friend who is going to come and stay and finish any packing we might need to do while we are on our honeymoon. We are going to put nonessential stuff in storage and out our bed in Amanda's parents dining room because that's where we can go with the cats. We'll probably do some couch surfing a little bit too. Then when we are able to get a house, Amanda's parents are moving with us and living with us for 6 months. We are trying to get them over here anyway and get her mother into a better doctor. 

So, today while it's 4:40 in the morning and I am awake and already trying to still the panic, anxiety, depression monster, and trying not to cry, I'm making plans to go to Sally's Beauty Supply to pick up some more bleach for my hair and maybe another box of hair dye. It's time to do my hair. And I think, today, I want to paint my toe nails and I don't know, just try to make it through the day. 

Frustration over Fiction, something different, and aches

There is a definite need to break away from the crap going on in my life. This morning I woke up feeling so awful. Aside from this being a fibromyalgia flare up day, my body hurts on top of that due to having to have my legs propped up for most of yesterday. They were terribly swollen again. My head hurt, even my eyelids and eyes hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I feel this bad at 33, what the hell is 43 or even 53 going to be like and that just opens to the door for my depression monster to come for  visit. I've had enough of that bitch. 

So despite feeling terrible, I drug myself out of bed, got dressed, and stepped outside for a smoke- because I'm apparently still doing that- for the time being. The landscape guys are out mowing the lawn, a thing I detest because I am allergic to pretty much all grasses, and generally tend to itch even with my allergy meds. Thankfully they had already been out front and were mowing elsewhere. As I leaned against the metal carport column, I relaxed and actually smiled. I'm not a big fan of bright sunshine as I have light sensitivity, but it is a fucking gorgeous day out. The air is crisp, has that early morning dewy scent. The birds are out, excitedly chirping and flitting about for the insects stirred from the lawnmower. I think we might have a hawk's nest in the tall evergreen that sits at the apartment complex entrance. I've seen it flying and watching, hunting near there and coming in and out of the green branches. The chill in the air was a bit invigorating and woke my sluggish brain up a little more. It reminded me of how much I would like a porch swing in my someday backyard. I want to curl up in the shade, slowly rocking, with my eyes closed and just be. I used to lay on my Great Grandma Ireland's porch swing with my head in her lap. She'd chat with my Grandma or sing me songs or tell me stories and we'd slowly rock back and forth. Those were probably some of the few times anyone could ever get me to sit still as a child.

But, moving on.  

It's getting to be that time of year again- National Novel Writer's Month, which thankfully is in November. A couple of my friends are already signed up and gearing to begin the adventure of 30 days of word vomiting 50,000 words to make a novel. That sounds gross, but when you're writing a first draft of something on a time limit, you're pretty much letting your fingers fly over the keys with the intent to just expel the ideas, story, build the world, and characters in such a manner as to get it out, then pick up the good stuff and shed the crap later. The experience can be frustrating, exciting, and surprising in a somewhat self satisfying way. Or you can look at your draft at the end and groan and wonder just what the hell you were thinking. Still, after 30 days, you will have written more or less than 50,000 words and that is an accomplishment all on its own. 

This year I'm not sure if I will be participating. There is a part of me that says, "no, it might actually be too much". But the other part says "go for it and actually push this shit out". I've "won" NaNoWriMo several times in that I've completed 50,000 words in a month or less. However, nothing I have done within that time frame has ever been finished. Which is a problem for someone who would love to realize her dream of being a full time published author. 

I told the few friends in my immediate vicinity that I would like to try to do this, to finish something, this year. They are supportive and those that are participating in NaNoWriMo think I should join them in the month long endeavor and we've discussed having write-ins together. A write in generally consists of snacks, coffee and tea, light chatting to bounce ideas off each other, and most importantly writing. Sometimes the writing doesn't happen, but that's okay too. However, with not knowing if I will have to move, trying to knock out 50,000 words might be a problem. So, I told my friends that if I have to move, I can't do it this year. If I don't have to move then I am 100% game. 

But there is another problem. I have several novels to write. There are a couple that I have been working on for years, ones that I have rewritten or restarted because my writing has changed and evolved and I am not satisfied with the story. So, I'm not sure what to write. Which do I pick? 

I confess there is some fear in choosing. What if I fuck it up? What if the characters aren't believable? What if I need to buy commas and can't get away from a certain tense? Dangling modifiers love me. What if when Amanda reads it or I read it to her, she says "that's good, but where's your plot"? Stupid confidence crushing fears. I need to just pick one and go, get it out, and then pick up the pieces after. 

I think to help me pick, to help me decide, I'll spend some time with the things that inspire me. Anime, movies, other novels, music, and even art, all these things help ignite and foster ideas through my emotional connection and reaction to them. The piece above is one such source. I love it, I want t add that sense of betrayal into one of my stories and I already know how it will happen. The scene is already formed its the getting there that's holding me back. 

I could go on, but I'm starting fall asleep. A short nap is in order, I think.

Update and A Small Gothic Fashion Frustration.

Things are still rather nuts. The imperative sense of scrambling seems less intense. I still do not know if my Dad is going to make it to the wedding. He is still waiting for news on his end, but with every day that drags on, the less time I have to call the airline and make changes to the tickets. 

We still have not signed a lease with our apartment complex. We went in this last weekend to do so and give them Amanda's 401k information -which they can't use against us anyway because she hasn't been contributing to it- and the lady in the office said she didn't know why they had us down to sign a lease when they have some sort of paperwork done yet. Wow, really?! So we made yet another appointment for this coming weekend to sign the lease then. 

Amanda's Mom came last weekend as well. We got our car from the mechanic and it runs nicely. As soon as she gets paid, we'll take it back to emissions testing and get it tagged so its legal to drive again.

Also last weekend we did some wrap up wedding shopping. That was a bit overwhelming and exhausting, but it is done. All that is left are a few things from Amazon and Amanda and I need to finish making the decorations. Well, and writing our vows. Amanda's freaking out a little. I'm... not? Perhaps that's because I've spent the last several months in a state of high stress and fear and this crap with my parents and the apartment has been enough to make the actual wedding stress look like a vacation. I mean I've cried over the possibility that my Dad might not be at my wedding and thus all the wedding pictures are going to be permanent evidence and a reminder forever of that- which conflicts with all the happy-fuzzy feelings I should be completely swept up in for that day- which only pisses me off and makes me want to cry all over again because its not fair to Amanda that I'm so fucking depressed over it. I've tried to say fuck it, whatever, but I can't help the way I feel without stuffing everything down so far that I go numb again. *sigh* I really need to get the fuck over this. 

Because I am pear shaped and fat, finding a wedding dress that I liked and would fit me was never going to happen.  I would have had to make it or find someone to make one for me both of which was going to be more expensive than we could afford. If one were to go by semi-standard US sizing, my hips need a 5x but my shoulders need a 2/3x. Trust me, it sucks. I like Victorian and military goth styles A LOT and my shape doesn't always accommodate that, unless tailored right.

So, Amanda and I hit Torrid to find something. She found a pretty red and black Snow White dress and I found a formal-ish, plain black dress. Because its fall and we're having an evening wedding, there is a good chance it will be chilly, so I was going to need something for my shoulders. Well, no one really makes patterns in my size for what I was looking for. So, I did the next best thing and bought a costume pattern in the biggest size I could find and got on the internet to see how to upsize it. The bolero circled in yellow in the picture above, is the pattern I used. I nixed the collar and took the points off the red part of the sleeves. I also did away with sleeve gathers and still had to tailor the damned thing to fit my shoulders because they are small. I found a velvety burnout damask fabric in black so, its black, not blue and red like the picture. I also bought a broach/necklace to finish it off. You will have to wait for the wedding pictures to see it. I haven't even tried it on with the dress yet. 

I want to make another one, a couple actually, just not with the same fabric. The teeth that move fabric along on the my sewing machine didn't like the fabric very well and tried to eat it. That was several small fits of panic. And, now that I know how to upsize a pattern and actually have a handle on sewing sleeves, I would like to venture out into other pieces of clothing. But that will have to wait until after I make Amanda's cloak, until after the wedding, and possibly even until after winter. 

After yesterday, this is what I know.

Yesterday I was on and off the phone from 8 am to 3 pm. Nerve wracking doesn't even begin to cover it and I was so very relieved when I was finished and could retreat to my corner of the sofa and just breathe.

On the doctor front. The doctor my insurance assigned me didn't actually take my insurance any more. So I called my insurance to see where to go from there. The woman I spoke with was not only nice, but she went down a long list of providers for me and called them herself instead of just throwing a bunch of names and numbers at me. There were several that did take my insurance but they didn't have any openings until November or even January. But, luckily we found a doctor who not only took my insurance and had openings as soon as today, but I know her. She's Amanda's doctor. I had completely forgotten about her as a possibility. 

I saw her today. My blood pressure was really high- go figure. She wanted to talk about nutrition, because I'm fat, but she didn't fat shame me in the least. Instead she asked me what I ate yesterday and when I told her, her eyebrows went up. She said I wasn't eating enough to function and while I was eating mostly good stuff, it just wasn't enough. But since the hysterectomy, I'm not as hungry any more. I have always been a grazer during the day anyway, with a decent meal for dinner. Meh. She also wants me drinking 200 oz of water a day. Uh huh, we'll see about that, I get over 84 oz and I start feeling like I want to puke. And she wants me to take more Vitamin D and C and cut the melatonin down when I do take it. I forgot to talk to her about my thyroid. 

Back to yesterday's calls. 

I remembered that I needed to talk to the student loan people. So I called them and got put on an income based payment plan. I jut had to print, fill out, and sign some paperwork and I need to mail it off today. 

I also did my food stamp review, spent forever on the phone only to have some guy tell me I had to do it online. Then I filled out the HEM review paperwork- have to mail that off today too. And I left a message for my case manager at DSHS. She was out sick, apparently, some guy called me back to tell me, basically nothing helpful. 

I tried to call Rachel's landlord. He picked up but didn't say anything. Since he didn't say anything and there was a lot of noise I'm assuming he thought he had silenced his phone? I don't know. I am going to try calling him on Amanda's phone or make her call him. 

I made an appointment for the car to get looked at and fixed. I took it into the shop today.

I also called our apartment complex's office and left a message (because they never pick up the phone, ever), to ask exactly what it was they need about Amanda's 401k. I told them we were getting married next month and that they can talk to me since she's at work all the time and can't get into deal with them. I also asked them if there was anything else whatsoever that they needed. 

Well, apparently, Amanda called the on her break or lunch break because they called her again. They told her that we missed our lease signing appointment. WHAT APPOINTMENT?! Oh hell no! We never had a fucking appointment. The last meeting I had with the office, the woman I dealt with told me they would be signing leases on the WEEK of the 18th. They never gave us a time or day. I even wrote it in my planner, right in front of her. She told me they would work with Amanda's work schedule. Then on top of that, when I went out for a cigarette break last week (because yes, I broke down while stressed to smoke a little), I noticed that everyone else's doors had a notice on them but ours did not. So, I got up close enough to read the one on my neighbor's door. It was talking about lease signing. Nervous, I started to wonder why we didn't get one. I thought, on the upside, that it was because they had already told us when the lease signings were, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to get a little paranoid and worried. Why did everyone else get a reminder notice but we didn't? I mean everyone, I checked.

So that bull shit aside, Amanda got an appointment time with them this weekend wherein she will give them whatever it is they need. But I am pretty sure that they really are trying to find a way to kick us out. I'm pretty sure they are going to say her 401k is income and that will put us over the limit. 

That being said, I also spent some time calling mortgage lenders. I did get to talk with one and gave him some information. He had to pull our credit but sent an e-mil back to me today saying that we'll have to do this using Amanda's credit, mind isn't high enough, but it looks good. The next step is to get approved for a loan. So we now have the ball in the beginning stages of rolling as far as buying a house goes. I just have to e-mail him back, but I thought I would wait until Amanda got home so we could talk in person, instead of via her work e-mail.  

Apart from that, I need to get legal sized envelopes so I can mail my student loan stuff and we are having dinner at Rachel's tonight. But I think we are cooking? I'm not sure what's going on with dinner. I need to make bread though. The sourdough and pumpkin. I don't really feel up to it today. Oh, laundry. I need to do that. 

I suppose I should go find something to eat, since I've only had a small salad, three cups of coffee, and a cup of lemon ginger tea today. Cheese quesadilla, that sounds nice and won't make much of a mess.   

Life exploded in my face, keep it together, and listening to the rain.

First, before I get into the emotional and mental upheaval and turmoil that left me telling Amanda that I loved her but don't want to be here anymore (which is only half true), I want to report that it is raining! For me, despite the aches that come with the rain, it it like a good omen and salve to my tattered nerves. I love the rain and gloomy days are always better for me all around. I'm reminded by that song from Garbage, "Only happy when it rains". 

On to the shit!

It began with a letter from DSHS (Department of social and health services,). I have to do a review to keep my food stamps. Okay, no big, I've done it before, all it takes is a phone call. Except there was another letter from my new case worker, who sent a letter detailing that I need to get into my doctor within the next x amount of days to be reevaluated. I don't actually have a doctor at this moment. I mean my insurance assigned me a new one when my doctor ended her contract with them. So, not only do I know if this new woman is taking new patients, but I have never met her nor do I know if she is actually going to do anything to help me. So I have to deal with all of that. Okay. So that on top of the wedding stuff is stressful. But it gets worse. 

My Mother called and informed me that my Dad may not actually get to come to my wedding. It isn't that he doesn't want to, it's that they can't afford to lose a week of his pay. But that there was something he was working on but he wouldn't tell her and if it came through he might get to come. Then she proceeded to tell me all the ways I have to be okay with this. Are you fucking kidding me?! I felt so sick while on the phone with her. I felt like I just don't matter, that work will always come before me, and it was all so much worse because I was finally allowing myself to get excited at the prospect that they were both finally coming. I mean, they didn't come when they actually had the money, which was really shitty because at that time I had really needed them too, but I never fussed. 

After a good cry in which I told Amanda that I feel like I'm just not worth anything, that this kind of thing just reinforces it over and over again, that I have these urges to tear my skin off, and that I love her but I don't want to be here anymore, that I can't do this anymore, I called my Mom back angry. I told her that I needed to know what the fuck was going on because I did not get heat sick, over work my body, and stress out over helping Rachel for nothing. She didn't know. So I called my Dad, who was pissed at her for mentioning anything to me in the first place.

Apparently there are some new things happening with my Dad's two jobs. He might get full time. He might become an assistant manger, he might get extra work, or he might get hired at a correctional facility in another county. If none of that works out, my Dad says that they will never dig themselves out of the hole if he loses a week in pay. Grandma and Grandpa can't help them out anymore- which I more than understand. He said he never would have told my mom anything because she is so OCD and fixates on thing, except he had to tell her something because otherwise, she would hound him about not telling her anything. Apparently she kept her mouth shut for a couple weeks but was mad at him and said that he had to tell me himself. Except he didn't want to say anything until he knew something. But I told him, he had to keep me updated because I will have to deal with the air line to get the name on the ticket changed if my cousin Shi-Chan comes in his place, and if she doesn't, then I need to get a refund for the ticket and I need to do all of that soon.

While I was still raw over the crap with my parents, yesterday morning Amanda got a message on her cell phone from one of our apartment managers. They need more information on her 401k. She never signed up for 401k at work, her job automatically signs everyone up for it. The truth of the matter is, we are supposed to be signing a lease this week but they are looking for ANY reason they can use to kick us out. The apartment complex recently became a tax credit complex- which means they want as many low income and state subsidized tenants as they can get because they can charge a higher rent. The tenants will pay a small portion of that and the state will pay the rest. For people like Amanda and I, we don't get charged the higher rent, we get charged a market price. So we don't make them more money. 

I knew, several months ago, they would pull this shit around the wedding time, but tried to convince myself it was all going to be okay- that I wouldn't lose my apartment, that everything would be fine. But this shit with Amanda's 401k, they want to use it to say that we make too much to live here. So, yesterday I began looking for studio apartments or even one bedroom apartment. They are either as much or even more rent than we pay now. I did find a two bedroom for less than we pay but no pets are allowed. Technically, my cats are therapy animals but when you tell an apartment manager that, a lot of them will find some other reason not to let you live there to get out of having to accommodate therapy animals.  

So there was talk of living with Cathy and Francis. FUCK NO! I can't move back to Idaho and live with them in that tiny apartment. Plus they can't have two more animals in there, not with the new management. I would also lose my health insurance and Amanda would have a longer bus ride and we would pay out more in gas for her to drive back into Washington to get to the bus that would take her to work. We could live with Rachel, but I don't want to burden her despite that she offered. 

There was even more talk about finding a housing lender that will lend to people with student loans who are in the first time home buyer's program. We have been assured that they are out there, but we have to find them ourselves. So the thought was that Cathy and Francis would help us get the ernest money and move in with us for 6 months to A) help us out and help us save up a buffer by paying half of everything and B) allow them to pay less money out so they can save to get a better car and find an apartment here in Washington. That could work. Especially if we have more space to escape and find quiet. And we wouldn't have to worry about the cats. 

Where this is a problem, is time. We are getting married in less than a month and we may not have an apartment in less than a month and we have people coming and the fucking wedding! Outwardly, yesterday I was a sobbing mess. I cried every few minutes and couldn't seem to stop. Internally, I was screaming. 

Then, on top of all of that, Rachel called to tell us that we couldn't take our car to her mechanic because he's not certified to get our car up to snuff to pass emissions. That, I can deal with easiely, I just have to find a certified mechanic. The problem we couldn't deal with very well, was that the damned car doesn't seem to want to accept gas when we try to fill it up. Amanda couldn't even get two gallons in yesterday and she said it was spitting the gas out, but the car was almost empty. 

I. Cant. Even!

By the time I got home, after crying most of Sunday and off and on all day yesterday, I turned into this, and attacked my desk to try and put all of this into something I could at least get a grip on and try to handle feasibly. Amanda worked on trying to finish up our wedding ceremony and she made me dinner. Since I fussed a little on facebook, a couple of friends have offered to help in different areas, which is really nice because honestly, most of the time growing up and even as an adult I could do things for other people but they couldn't be bothered to do anything for me and it hurt, a lot. 

Anyway, I have a list. First, I'm going to call my supposed new doctor and see if I can't get an appointment with her this week when Amanda can go in with me. Then I need to call DSHS. Then I need to call the mechanic and see if I can't get the car in. Then I am going to call Rachel's landlord to see if he has any rentals available. Then I need to call a list of lenders to see who will work with us. Then I need to deal with the apartment managers and tell them they will deal with me because Amanda and I are getting married next month and anything pertaining to her will also pertain to me and they can just fucking deal with it.  At some point I need to make lunch and dinner and finish the painting I for Amanda's birthday, pick up the house, and start some laundry, oh and shower. And I have to do all of this without losing my shit or having panic attacks because of being on the phone with strangers. Nope, still haven't been able to shake the phobia of talking on the phone with strangers from the call centers I've worked for. You get told enough times that someone hates you or wants to kill you because you interrupted American Idol or some shit and you just stop wanting to even look at a phone. 

And in all of this, Fiona is trying to help but I know what she really wants is for us to allow her to help so she can move in with us and get out of her shitty situation but really, I will kill her if I live with her. I love her, she's like a sister, but I will kill her. She also wants to start doing spiritual stuff and I just can't even think about setting that up right now. 

So, yeah. I'm going to get on that now that's it's after 8 and businesses are finally open.  I can't decide whether I want to cry or be horribly angry and all I want to do is curl up on my sofa and binge watch anime- because anime always makes me feel better. And I hurt today. Its another fibro flare up day- which doesn't help. So wish me lots of luck, I will need all of it!

    

Lackluster bride, flurry of crafting is upon us, stupid vacuum.

I am going to have to print this picture out as a reminder to myself. 

Our vacuum broke and it is not an easy fix nor is this a good time for it to do so. My friend Rachel and I have both been sewing, she for her bride's maid dress (for another wedding) and me for my bolero. We have bits of thread and fibers from our respective fabrics littering the floor. This wouldn't normally be an issue- at least until the sewing is done- except that I have a certain black cat (Narcisa) who had pica. I have to keep half an eye on her and make sure she doesn't eat anything threads that escape the kitchen table. Last night I had to wrestle my hair brush from her because she was laying on it, rubbing her face on it, which was adorable, until she started eating the few strand of hair between the bristles. She is so bizarre.

The wedding is kind of driving me batty but it is slowly beginning to come together. This morning I finally felt a little brush of confidence in all our efforts. I had a vision of what I wanted and have constantly adapted it to suit what we could afford, and what is practical- in the sense of what I am up for. I haven't exactly been the excited, fluttery bride nor have I been a bridezilla. I've been the "okay, whatever" exhausted, sometimes crying, sometimes approaching everything with lackluster enthusiasm. You'd think, hey I'm getting married, let's do all the things and party. Nope, not me. 

I know I have been overwhelmed by it all. Amanda and I had differing ideas, that was fine. I think we've come up with many compromises and have managed to work each other's ideas together fairly well. She is doing an amazing job writing up the wedding ritual and script (because we are pagan). I haven't really had the wherewithal to do that. I've needed to come at it from a different approach, more hands on, but I've had some trouble there as well. Between fibromalgia flareups, having really bad depression days, nightmares, panic attacks so bad Amanda threatened to take me to the hospital, working the plane ticket fares off with Rachel (so my parents could be here for the wedding), and just trying to generally figure out what the fuck I am doing, it's been really weird. 

I have to remind myself that I had a major surgery seven months ago. My body is probably still adjusting. It most certainly has changed physically, which is something I am still struggling with. The way it's changed almost feels like another betrayal and when I feel betrayed, I immediately want to punish the offender. I don't, but I can't help feeling that way. There is also yet another overwhelming and quietly- yet at times screamingly suffocating sense of loss. It is exhausting. 

While there are other things I have to remind myself of as well and I don't know where I am going or what the hell I am doing a good deal of the time. I know the things I want, but keeping myself going has been a kind of struggle. I keep telling myself to get back up, take another step, and keep moving forward. But to where? To what? What can I do like this? 

Yuck. 

Despite all of this, I am gaining more enthusiasm for the wedding on the whole. I have more sewing to do on my bolero. I am planning on finishing up the jars Rachel decided we needed for decor. She has this vision of luminaries along the path. That's cool, but they need to be finished. I'm thinking about scrapping the wine bottle luminaries because they will overtake the beautiful decorations a friend made. We need something smaller to complement them and I think I know what I want. So, I'll be crafting a lot in the next couple of days and maybe, when all the crafting, is finished, my house will get clean the way I really need it to be cleaned. It is a cluttered mess at the moment and I need to borrow a vacuum and mop the kitchen, hallway, and bathroom floors.  

And I need to write my vows.