Fanfiction...

I've been trying to work on my article for the Detangled Writer's site I am a contributor of. I got as far as an outline... O.O Did I say outline? I did and I never do outlines, not really. I mostly have a little notebook with some handwritten notes or put a notes section at the bottom of the page I am working on for the next time I pick up the story so I remember where my thoughts were headed.

(I swear I smell plastic burning but I've checked everything in the house and can't find where it's coming from- it's disturbing)

Anyway, I got as far as the notes a few days ago and was going to actually write the article yesterday. However, I was so listless and tired yesterday that I ended up taking a nap, a shower, and going to the store only. From there I watched a couple of movies and fell asleep on the sofa. I hate days like that, I never seem to get anything done and it's frustrating. You'd think that since I am unable to work or go to school I could at least get a little bit of writing done.

I don't know, maybe I am pushing myself too hard. I really push to keep myself moving, to do little things and clean the house, but I guess every couple of days it catches up with me and I have to have a crash day. It's pathetic. No, stop it, I'm not supposed to have negative or self-defeating thoughts. Bite me! I'm human.

(A random, strange man just came to the door and wanted to sell us a Kirby Vacuum) 

Ugh! Today isn't the best of days but I am going to try and write that article before Kat gets here and clean the house too. Maybe I will work on the girlfriend's birthday present again... since I shattered the last one. 

Gothic/fantasy or Asian?

Some of my Asian Decor. The medicine cabinet was given to me by Aunt Pat when she came back from living in  Indonesia. 

For as long as I can remember I've been told "It doesn't hurt you to want". Most of the time it doesn't bother me and I really can live without most of the things I would like to have. I've become used to not asking for anything unless it's really important or imperative like medical/ basic hygiene/and food, you know crap to survive by. Should someone be so kind as to get me something extra or special, well that's a bonus! Anything else I happen to want I put on a 'someday' list on Amazon or Etsy. Every couple of months I go in and clean out those lists to minimize them and get rid of the really silly stuff. 

Masks three were made by us.

But there are somethings that I really need and am a long time from getting. One of those is a place of permanency. I need a place to settle and be for more than a few years. I need a place to make my own. We would like to get a house, isn't that every one's dream? House, Townhouse, condo, whatever. Neither of those options are within reach and won't be for a long time. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes I've even wanted it so bad and along with a spike in depression I've cried for it. I know that seems so ridiculous.

Some of our Asian decor

Like I said, that particular need/want isn't likely to happen anytime soon. In the mean time, while I wait, I like to look at things on the Internet and kind of design a room in house. Having moved several times, some of our stuff gets broken or we've downsized. At the moment we don't have any dishes, a sofa, and half of our things are back at my parents house. A couple of our bookshelves have broken as well. 

My girlfriend and I have been talking about what we would like our prospective living room to look like in our 'someday' house. We have a basic idea of paint, wainscoting, and crown molding. I'm not sure what I would like for window treatments and she wants gunmetal gray furniture. I know I want a writing desk and a side table. My biggest problem is that I can't decide if I want to do Asian decor like I've done for years or Gothic decor that I've thought about. So I've been looking again and looking at stuff I have saved over the last few years.      

A sconce I am in love with

Ideally we want to be able to easily decorate with the seasons, especially Autumn and Winter. Of course that's never been too much of a problem with me. My issue is that I don't want things to clash, I want balance. Of course I could mix the two themes but some part of me doesn't want to do that. I feel that it would be too much or excessive. 

There are a couple of pieces of art that I would love to buy, that are reasonably priced. The above for instance would be beautiful and finding other room decor and statuary would work really well but my great conundrum is what do I do with all of the Asian pieces I own? I want to showcase them because I am proud of them. 

But there are other things that I want to bring out or get that illuminate my other interests. So, I am a bit torn. I think in the end I may have to switch out themes from time to time. A change in the feel of a room is good from time to time and is a fin project. For now, I think I will keep looking and wait to play with some ideas when the 'someday' house/home is more of a reality than a dream. 

Well buckets of poo!

I forgot to take my medicine yesterday and today... That's not good and what's worse, my eyes are still really blurry. I am not amused.

On the upside, I managed to make a few Autumn cards for my family and have them ready to send out. I still need to make Samhain and Halloween cards but I want to wait on those to see if a friend still wants to do a craft day in September. I also did some fall decorating around the house but sadly only half of the leaves I put up have remained on the walls. The rest lay scattered upon the floor like some pretty tree came and took a dump in the hall.

Tomorrow, I need to work on getting some writing done and start sculpting my girlfriend's birthday present.

List for tomorrow:
1. Go to the store
2. Work on fanfiction article
3. Work on novel
4. Make bbq beef and homemade mac & cheese
5. Sculpt
6. Watch my shows on SYFY
7. Do Pain study stuff. 

You don't really know unless you experience it yourself.

My mother lives with chronic pain and has since I was in middle school. I've seen her on her good days and when she's at her worst. We've fought, cried, nearly killed each other and there were days that I prayed that she would die not because I wanted her too, I would be devastated, but because I just wanted her to have some peace. It's really hard to listen to a woman who is like an Amazon and never cries, sob because the pain is so terrible she can't stand it. It is hard to come home and find her lying on the floor because she's in so much pain her body or mind says 'fuck you' and switches off and by that I mean she just went out, lost consciousness. I used to tell her that "I know you hurt and I get it it," or "I understand" and I was trying to be understanding and supportive but really I didn't have a fucking clue only an observers point of view.

Several years later and my mother still lives with chronic pain and now so do I. I don't know what I have done to my back but I've done something. While I don't have pain in the same places my mother does, I have pain in my lower back, down through my hip and my right leg. Sometime I even have pain on the left side. I have been in so much pain that I could not walk, sleep, go to the bathroom on my own, or take a shower on my own. Still, when my worst days have past I do my best to keep moving.

It's not just physical pain that comes with chronic pain. I already suffer from severe depression and social phobias though most people wouldn't know because I hide it and don't let a lot of people really see. After I hurt myself those things became much worse. And what's the first thing I did, shut more people out because I couldn't deal with anything else. Also because I didn't want to complain too much. Feelings like "I'm a parasite because I can no longer help support myself" became more frequent. Suicidal thoughts sprouted and bloomed more often. I haven't tried but damn have I thought about it, made plans, even told my girlfriend that she would be better off without me. I've felt ashamed of myself, disappointed, furious, frustrated, angry, raw, mentally over stimulated and taxed. It is very hard to focus on much of anything when I hurt really bad and when I am very depressed which just makes everything worse.

Through all of it I still try to get out of the house once a day, keep pushing to do house work and cook because that's the only way I can contribute and because you have to keep moving. I try to do things that keep me busy and that I enjoy so I'm not so depressed. I've even entered into a pain study to see if that will help in some way, even a little bit.

Some days are better than others and always I have the fear of waking up in so much pain I can't move. It is hard to watch everyone around you go to work, go to school, have mostly normal lives while you're stuck not making much progress. I know I am a writer and most people say "well this is an opportunity for you to write more and get that book written and published". That's all fine and dandy but when it hurts to sit in a chair and so much you can't think, you can't really write much of anything. Worse is when you can't get your head clear enough to even think straight. So you have to try to find something else to do which is also frustrating because you can't even do what you love.

So, now I feel like I can say, "Yeah, Mom, I really do get it. I know how much it hurts and how frustrating it is. I know how much you wish you just had a break from it to have a normal day."
  

I think the She-Beast Lied...

See that girl? Yeah, that's me, in slow motion... really slow motion. I started taking a new medication the She-Beast (Aka my med doctor prescribed). She said it would give me more energy, she said it would make me feel better... I know it takes a few days to a week or two for something to build up in a person's system but I was more awake before I took the medication and I have been growing steadily more tired over the last couple of hours. Time in which I have been trying to do my pain study lessons in. I finally gave up on them for the time being.

There are a couple of things I need to knock out today. I have a couple of crafty things I need to get done, make dinner, and clean. Well, I need to do as much of that as I can stand. My back is giving me hell for all the walking I did yesterday. I am not impressed. Also, I apparently need to write an article on what makes a good fanfiction. Oh yeah, I forgot, I am doing a writing blog with some friends and the admin of the group apparently wanted me to do the article for the blog. I never saw where she asked and I heard it second hand from my girlfriend who is also part of the writing group. So, that means I need to talk to the admin or locate the conversation on Facebook that I missed. I have no problems writing such an article but it's going to take some time. Especially since I just got the new power cord for my laptop and am finally back on it. (I am really excited, I will feel comfortable enough to actually relax and write! I get all squicked out when I am on other people's computers, don't know why, just a quirk I guess.)

I won't possibly get everything I want to get done, done today, especially not with how tired I am but I at least want to get some of it accomplished. So a short list...

LIST:
1. Set out some chicken for dinner
2. Figure out which craft I want to do and lay out supplies for it.
3. Work on craft.
4. Make dinner.
5. eat
6. Load and run the dishwasher.
7. Work on my mom's birthday present while watching a movie
8. decide what I want to say in blog article
9. See if Dad is up to playing a little Guild Wars
10. Go to bed.

So sick...

Today has been an awful day. It started a little after 5 am with the most rude of awakenings in which I scrambled to the bathroom to make a nasty mess. I was reminded of Edward Norton's character in The Painted Veil when he contracted cholera and all the fluids in his body decided to vacate. Nine hours later, I hurt all over and want nothing more than to go back to bed and the only reason I am out of it is because I can't sleep anymore and am trying to re hydrate myself.

My girlfriend's parents left for the Oregon Coast this morning and I wasn't the only one who was sick. Her mother is experiencing the same problem. We think it was the eggs we ate but my girlfriend and her Dad aren't sick at all. We have leftovers from last night's dinner but I will be chucking them into the trash. I do not want to do this again.

I would like to eat something but nothing really appeals to me so I may send my girlfriend to the store when she wakes up (she stayed up with me through most of it) to get some soup. It's the only thing I can think of that won't kill my stomach but maybe that's just the go to for when people are sick. I certainly hope I can keep it down.   

Participating in a Pain Study

Last time I saw my primary doctor she asked me if I would be interested in participating in a pain study. I am open to anything (healthy and legal) that will help me heal my back and get my back to normal so I can go back to school get back into the workforce. So, I said yes. 

I've already done phone interviews, been pre-screened, approved and I am in the test group. I will not be taking any newfangled medication just taking surveys and doing what is dictated in the lessons. I don't know what all of that entails but I have a feeling their goal is to get people to do a mind over matter sort of thing. I'm not sure I believe in that mind over matter sort of thing but that's probably because I am always looking for the slap in the face before it happens. Oh well, I've already done some surveys and will start the lessons tomorrow. 

The sun! It burns it burns!

Went over to my girlfriend's Aunt Lola's for a pool party. There weren't but a few people there so it was easy and casual. My back was really hurting so the cool pool water looked good. But there were a couple of flaws with this plan. The pool is outside meaning the sun was on us constantly. Despite having some fun watching my girlfriend get beaten up by her 14 year old cousin with a floaty noodle, I came home with a killer head ache, a sun burn, and was completely worn out. Which, is kind of strange since I basically stood around in the pool all day. But we don't have sun block and since I nearly always go out covered and usually swim in an indoor pool at the Kroc Center, I didn't even really think about it.

Well, I tried a nap. Didn't work. So here I sit with a head ache, sun burn, and still sleepy but not sleepy enough to go to bed. *Sigh* I hate these moments. My head hurts too much to really read or try writing and I'm too awake to sleep. I don't really want to watch a movie especially since I do want to read or write.

Oh well, I will figure something out to do. On the upside it was nice to talk to someone about Guild Wars and movies. And it was nice to just kind of relax. I think today was the first day in a very long time that I didn't have a panic attack.  

Feeling a little better today and I made a cell phone holder.

Today I am a little better. I saw the She-beast doctor this morning and I still don't really like her but she is once again upping my depression meds and giving me a second one to take in conjunction with what I already take. *sigh*

On the upside, aside from cooking a roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and a peach pie, I decided that today was as good as any to make a cell phone holder. I saw a DIY tutorial not too long ago that used a baby lotion bottle. Well we don't use baby lotion but we did recently run out of shampoo. So I had my girlfriend rinse out the old bottle and I cut it the shape I wanted. Then I added some pretty stickers. It looks simple and kind of plain but it works. The tutorial uses mod podge and fabric and the hole is cut bigger to accommodate a cell phone charger. You plug in your phone and put the phone in the bottle along with the cord and it houses it nicely.

Anyway, I didn't do that because I just need a place to put my cellphone and glasses at night. My cats seem to want to use my nightstand, my desk, and my dresser to navigate my bedroom and are always knocking stuff off of surfaces. So I just nailed this baby to the wall, plunked my cell in it and wala! The cat's can't get it it, I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm going to step on it when I get up, and its still in reach. 

A personal moment of fright.

As anyone who follows this blog might have guessed I suffer from sever depression and social phobias. I have panic attacks too and the scary thing is that they are getting worse. I have breathing exercises (I'm not kidding) that I was instructed to do when these sort of attacks occur and sometimes they help, most of the time they don't and while the worst of a panic attack might be over, there is this lingering or residual right pain within me that takes forever to shake.

Today I had once such attack while out with my girlfriend for a lunch date. We were just talking about some plans and I had a knife in my hand and for a good moment I just wanted to cut my arm. My girlfriend saw and took the knife away from me quickly. I'm not trying to scare anyone in writing about this but it is very clear that I am in need of more help than I am currently receiving. Thankfully, I see my med doctor tomorrow and will be telling her of this and the panic attack I just had in the car just thinking about today. Forget others, I'm terrifying myself. And I swear if that bitch rolls her eyes at me again, I scream her head off. I may not be as fucked up as the people she's used to dealing with but giving me the brush off when I am asking and paying her for help is unacceptable. 

Octoberfest in August!!! Hooyah!

I don't drink often, maybe once or twice and rarely three times a year. There are a few things that I really like  for instance Spiced or Coconut Rum and Coke, Hpnotiq, Gin with Sprite, and Screwdrivers. I'm sure there are plenty of other drinks I would like if I had the money and desire to get my ass online to look recipes up and then go fetch the stuff but alcohol just isn't one of those things I feel a particular need for. However, there is something that I really like and fell in love with when I worked at the smoke/liquor store back in Kansas: Samuel Adams Octoberfest! I'm not really a beer person, I like Harp by Guinness but that was pretty much it until I tried Octoberfest one October just for shits and giggles. There weren't any shits and giggles, but I liked it enough that I didn't really want to share.

It's been about five years since I've really had the chance and money to get another round of Octoberfest. I pretty much cut two things from my shopping list in order to get it but I really don't mind. My girlfriend doesn't like it so that means more for me!

Actually, I'm a little surprised to see Octoberfest on the shelves this early. Maybe I'm not the only one who is   wishing Autumn would begin or feels like the Autumn season is trying to creep in early this year. For those in the Mid-west it probably doesn't feel that way, but up here, it's hot yet there is that cool breeze that kind of makes things nicer and certainly throws me off a little. 

Am I really done for Camp NaNoWriMo?

I managed to reach 50,000 words in 11 days for Camp National Novel Writer's Month. Some of my friends are annoyed with me. I kind of wanted to see if I could beat my record of 19 days. Well, I guess I did.

The book isn't finished so I intend to keep working on it. I haven't the last couple of days to give myself a much needed break. I knew I needed one when I started noticing some little annoying things that if I could just step away from it, I could come back with a fresh, clear head and tackle just fine later.

There were thoughts in my head to work on the novel tonight but after a trip to the library followed by a stressful and exhausting trip to WinCo, cooking dinner, and then cleaning the kitchen, I found that I am in too much pain. So, I took care of some of the simpler, smaller things that I needed to get done and I read a graphic novel.

Tomorrow I have a lot I need to do, I just hope I'm not in too much pain to sleep. I've already taken two pain pills and am a little scared to take more. It really sucks to hurt so bad and be so exhausted but unable to sleep. Actually, it's quite maddening. 

Playing with crazy people

I attract crazy people. No, really I do. It's seems like I have a collection of them. I don't know the why or the how. My girlfriend thinks I have some kind of invisible beacon or something written across my forehead that attracts people. My Dad has theorized that it's my natural proclivity to stick up for the weird under dogs. I'm still friends or at least in contact with some of the misfits I went to high school with. You know, the D&D, Magic the Gathering, Video Game playing, Science and Book nerd kind of crowd and nearly all of us have some sort of personal issue of some kind and are very strange and have all sorts of weird quirks that most people find well, a little crazy. For instance, one friend rocks compulsively, another makes lewd comments and farts and burps and laughs in a really creepy way. Another knows entirely too much about how to combat Zombies and gets really intense when telling you anything. Another friend just kind of gives people the creepy vibe all around (probably had something to do with that he was kind of desperate for a girlfriend for a long time).

I seem to have collected more (they're all mine ha ha, ehm) as I have gotten older via the Internet. I've met people on various forums where I've gone to post art work or stories. I've met people via Myspace, Yahoo 360 and Yahoo Groups. There's nothing wrong with crazy people, sometimes they add a little spice to life and I don't hold any social or mental or physical problems against anyone, that's just not my way. However, and this is going to sound contradictory, I do have a problem with people who really let the crazy out on me or some one close to me. Okay, I get someone having a bad day, I get them having been burnt by past friends or lovers, and I more than understand that sometimes people are just freaking weird.

My girlfriend and I recently had a friend just go bananas on us. For the most part this friend is really nice, has, what I think are some far out ideas about things, and I've had trouble keeping up with her on some of what she says (I almost always have to ask her to explain something or go look something up). She's lonely, she did some not to great things in her life, she's away from any family that truly maters ect... I met her via a forum where I posted some writing. She wanted me to read her writing and we just started talking. We even did a written role play together. Eventually I had to stop written role plays because it was taking over the time I needed for other writing but I introduced her to my girlfriend and they got to talking and role playing.

Well, for this friend, role play characters are a little more than just that and that's okay. However, recently something happened and she got really upset about something my girlfriend's character did (never mind that this is a fictional character) and my girlfriend wasn't getting rp replies back fast enough or talking to her as much and all hell broke lose. She vented to me about it and I agreed with her on most of it and stuck up for my girlfriend where sticking up was due. I'll be damned if this friend of mine didn't write a vicious letter to my girlfriend. They went back and forth over e-mail and she told my girlfriend some of the things I had expressed annoyance with. It's a damned good thing that I talked to my girlfriend about everything I'd talked to our friend about else there might have been trouble. I just let them sort it out between them, even though I knew this friend had used things I told her as ammunition against my girlfriend. I sure as hell wasn't happy about it though.

Then a couple of days later when things were calming down I saw a meme on facebook, one of my cousins had posted it and it was about crazy people. Personally, I thought it was damn funny and fit the person my cousin was posting it in reference to pretty well. My friend freaked out and thought I posted it in reference to her. *insert Carly Simon's song, You're so Vain* Honestly, I never even thought of her. But boy did I get a near two page message on facebook about how it hurt her.

So, I did the only thing I could do. I explained who the damned meme was for, assured her it wasn't about her, that I'm not out to get her, that my girlfriend and I aren't out to gang up on her, that I wouldn't mind still being her friend, but I certainly wasn't going to take any more crap, especially not after she threw me under the bus. I haven't heard from her since, just filled her game requests on facebook and she hasn't un-friend-ed me. I don't necessarily know what that means but the ball is in her court.

I don't mind that she got upset, I really don't. I mind that she back stabbed me. I didn't tell my girlfriend anything that she vented to me, that was between us and even if I should happen not to agree with anything she wants or wanted to vent about, I still wouldn't tell. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to who will actually listen.

I didn't like that she whined so much and kept using past events and that it seemed like she wanted to project them on to us. Um, we aren't stupid bitches who like to hurt people for the fun of it. And if I am pissed at someone I either will not tell them and vent it out on a blog or in a journal or I will tell them to their face. I don't do it via snide meme's on facebook.

I also mind that this issue took almost four days to resolve and that I spent so much time and energy trying to assure her that no one was trying to attack her when it could have just been taken care of within a couple of hours. Honestly the while all this was going on, even though I was trying to stay out of it as much as possible it really upset me and I wasn't able to focus on much else except cooking and some very light house work. I am still upset but like I told her while I won't put up with back stabbing and 'you're attacking me' bull shit (really, if I was attacking you you'd know it because I'd be in your face). I am not going to throw away a four year friendship so easily. I do forgive people, probably more than I should or ought to.

And of course there have been other little instances not too unlike this one with other friends, at least with the person freaking out on me, not over the same issues of course.   

Ma and Pa Kettle

A few months or so ago I bought the Ma & Pa Kettle Complete Comedy Collection. I didn't just happen to see it on the shelf and decide to try it on for size like I do with a lot of movies, especially foreign films. No, my Grandmother bought these films on VHS when I was a kid and showed them to me. I LOVED them!

Ma has this kind of raspy voice that you would think should grate on your nerves but it just fits her so well. She's the driving force behind the whole household. Pa is really kind of lazy but a sweet old man with strange quirks. They have 15 kids (that's a litter, really it is) and start out in the Egg and I on a run down farm. They kind of move up in the world and have all sorts of adventures through the series of 10 films and are a lot of fun.

Grandma showed them to me when I was a kid because the farm settings reminded her so much of when she was a kid and she wanted to give me a little taste of what it was like to live in an old farm house like the one she grew up in. It had to be via a movie, but it was still a lot of fun getting to see all the little things here and there. She would tell me little stories about certain objects or explain what they were for. And she just really enjoined the movies. It kind of became one of our 'things' that was special to only us. We started out with Ma & Pa and then watched a lot of other old movies that she'd seen when she was younger. It's always kind of bothered me that my cousins didn't seem interested in this and half of what Grandma and Grandpa wanted to show and tell us about. But then again, it's nice not having to share these little moments with Grandma with anyone else.

(I love Ma's facial expressions!)

Grandma is 84 now and not doing so well. She's been taking care of Grandpa who has Alzheimer's and shingles. But she's starting to really wear down. I wish I could just drive over to her house, help her out with a few things around the house, spend the night, and pop in one of the Ma & Pa Kettle movies and watch it with her while Grandpa takes a nap like I used to. But I am half way across the country so it will have to wait until I can visit her again.  

Labels and people...

I really loathe labels. I don't like people using them to describe me and I don't really like using them myself. Unfortunately I am a writer and sometimes have to use them when describing characters and I've even labeled people in my head when observing them in public. I also label them when I am severely pissed at them as you might have noticed in previous blog posts. We all do it, there isn't really a way around it unless you expend the extra energy and make a conscious effort to stop yourself when you meet or see people. It's not that easy, believe me I have actually tried. I think as humans our brains are wired to identify things right away and that means slapping a quick label on something or someone so we can decide how to deal with it, approach it, or ignore it. Natural instincts and all that. But are they really so vital? I understand getting a bad vibe about someone and walking quickly the other direction but for all the other instances in life where we see and meet people?

Personally, I would much rather someone tell me what they perceive themselves as than me try to figure out who and what they are because I really don't want them shuffling me into categories that may not be true. Yes, at first glance to an average person I appear overweight which would automatically make think that I just love shoveling food down my gullet or that I sit at home in front of the TV all day and that I am lazy. Not true. Well, yes I sit at home a lot but that's because I have lower back pain that sometimes debilitates me, severe depression, and a lot of social phobias. Honestly sometime being around people is extremely exhausting. That doesn't mean that I don't get off my ass every day and get out of the house. If I'm not at the Kroc Center exercising on days that I have mobility, I try to go window shopping and run errands. It's not easy for me and I hate going anywhere alone. I also cook and clean the house. Sometimes I have to cook sitting down which takes longer and when cleaning I can't do too much without help and several breaks. 

The point is, yes, I am fat, but I am not lazy and I do not spend all day in front of the TV scarfing down food. I am actually a lot of things, things that might surprise people. I like all sorts of different things and know a lot of fun and nerdy information, albeit a good majority is pretty much useless unless I was at a Scifi or Anime convention or with like minded enthusiasts but still.  But I know that people I meet or see are just people, there is more to them than what I see on the surface. A girl who is skinny and wears skimpy clothing might be a total bitch but she might also be one of the sweetest people in the world with a good heart. A guy who looks middle eastern might look like something scary but might be a really nice guy who isn't like all that we have been told. And just because someone isn't as pretty or as handsome as someone else doesn't devalue them as a person. That weird kid who looks like he stole his little sister's jeans and looks like he is just some attention seeking, fad following, punk might actually be someone who is brilliant and just likes a certain style. (Yes, I have actually thought that of a kid I saw not too long ago. Skinny jeans make no sense to me and look terribly uncomfortable but I don't have to wear them.)

I think people place far too much emphasis on looks and use their personal tastes and basis to label people unfairly. Because really, some of those amazingly gorgeous women and men are horrible people to those who care about them and to those who don't. Then again, some of them are really nice people. No one can be sure until they actually meet a someone and get to know them. 

I guess what I am trying to get across is, yes, we label people on instinct but even though we do that, we shouldn't hold to those labels until they are confirmed except when someone gives you the creeps. Frankly, nine times out of ten, in my experience, they really are creepy or dangerous. 

Aurora Colorado and the Domestic Terrorist Holmes.

It's taken me awhile to get to working on this particular blog because I've just been so angry and so sad. I don't know anyone from Aurora, Colorado but I really, honestly feel for those who were in that theater the night that Holmes decided to shoot the place up. Frankly there was no reason for it and I absolutely do not think Holmes deserves any sympathy. I do not believe he is crazy. I think he knew exactly what he was doing all along and I will address all of that as I go.

You should probably know that my Father worked in corrections for 30 years. He took me to work with him a lot. I went to school with some of the clients or kids of his clients. Furthermore I have family who happen to be criminals themselves. I'm not a trained professional in dealing with criminals but I have been exposed to them, been around them and their mentality, and seen their tricks enough to know a little something about them. And of course, anytime I have a question about something, I ask my Dad who was a professional and a damned good one.

First order of business, the media is having a fucking field day with this. I only know this because I happen to live in a house where the TV is always on and almost all of that time it is on a news channel. Whether I want to or not if I pass by or through or happen to sit in the living room, I'm going to catch something from one of the news stations. Now, I know that each news corporation is affiliated with a political party. I'm not stupid you can tell in the way the news anchors/journalists talk or discuss certain issues. One particular journalist for ABC made a big boo boo and I personally think he should be fired for it. (I don't know if he has or not, I haven't gone to look and see, this is just my personal opinion.) He didn't do his job and actually research Holmes. Instead he went looking for someone with the same name on the Tea Party registry and then told the nation that Holems was a member of the Tea Party when in all reality Holems is a registered Democrat. Bad ABC man, bad! How about you do your fucking job instead of trying to shove your political agenda at people.

Second, is this business of how Holems looked in his first courtroom appearance. Really people get off the hair color. There are plenty of nice people out there who dye their hair wild colors. And what's was with all that discussion and long drawn out conjecture of his sanity by his facial expressions. Are you kidding me, if you can't tell that that ass hole was coming down off the adrenaline high after all that hell he caused and was simply bored, then you are just an idiot.

And what's with all this 'he's a suspect' nonsense? The police caught him in the act, in full riot gear. He told the police that his apartment was rigged up with bombs. He had a detailed plan and they have the evidence of all the weapons and ammunition that he bought. And by the way, in case you didn't know he had explosives in his apartment an AR-15 assault rifle, a Remmington 12 gauge shot gun, a .40 Glock, and like I said he was in full riot gear plus he had smoke bombs. This man clearly went to the theater with the intent to hurt and kill people but not get hurt himself. He is guilty! And further more I will say what no one else will say, the fucker is a Domestic Terrorist. There is no question about it. He's ruined a much anticipated film for all those hurt. He's made people (not all people but a lot) afraid to go to theaters.  I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to a fair trial, I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to fair representation. What I am uber pissed about is that they are trying to get him off on an insanity plea. Um, no. If the fucker can plan all this shit out, looks bored in the court room, then he can carefully plan out a way to make himself look crazy and personally I don't think he did a good job of it.

Personally, I think they should speed up the trial instead of dragging it out. I think that he should be put in a bullet proof vest and put in a makeshift theater in jail and shot at every day to give him a taste of his own medicine. I also think he should have to work his ass off in jail doing the most disgusting of jobs to pay off the medical bills and funeral costs of all those he hurt and killed. And I think should he get the death penalty if found guilty (which he is) and he should be shot to death by firing squad.

Am I being mean, probably. Do I have any tolerance for this shit, fuck no. But let's move on to something a little lighter shall we.

Someone put up a note on facebook to be 'liked' and 'shared', I think it was the parent of one of the people in the theater that night but don't quote me on it, saying that it would be nice if Christian Bale would come and show the kids and people that even though there are monsters, there are heroes too. Other things were said but I can't seem to find it at the moment to say what all it was. Anyway, I really liked it and hoped that by sharing it that it would get to who needed to get to and Mr. Bale might see it and go. Well my girlfriend's best friend brought out the Troll in herself and said it would be good but she didn't think that Christian Bale was a good role model because he assaulted his sister and mother. What the fuck?! I had seen something awhile back about there being something going on between he and his mother and sister but I never heard that he actually assaulted them. She said that she read something on it but she didn't say where or anything like that and since it was some time ago I wasn't going to press her on it.

So I went and researched this and read through about five or six articles. They all said the same thing. Christian Bale was upset, he'd just lost his friend Heath Ledger, his mother and sister were verbally insulting his wife and he yelled at them because he couldn't remove himself from the situation due to paparazzi outside the hotel. He brushed passed his mother and she got hissy and called the police. He went to the police of his own free will the next day and spent all day in questioning and NO charges were made. Of course I couldn't tell her that but the fact that I had gone and done the research myself was all I needed. Plus if she ever brought it up again I had that information and where to find it to 'attempt' to shut her up.

So when there was news of Mr. Bale going to Aurora to visit the victims and funerals of the victims I made a point to share that news and my thanks to him on facebook. I know he won't see it but still it matters to me and even more so to those who were hurt and lost loved ones that he came. He didn't have too but he did. That's all that matters, not what did or didn't happen with his family months or years ago. As you can imagine my girlfriend's best friend probably wasn't happy but at least she kept her mouth shut this time.

Well, I've said all I am going to say about this for now. I know it was a lot all crammed into one post. 

You did what to Cookie Monster?

When I was a kid I was lucky enough to have a little cable in the house, mainly because it was part of the deal in the apartment complex my parents live in. But I didn't just grow up watching Nickelodeon and Disney, in my early days I watched stuff on PBS. I saw all sorts of thing most people won't remember Zoobalee Zoo for instance. But like most kids I also watched Sesame Street. My parents or someone even bought me Sesame Street Christmas tree ornaments, I was too little to remember who. Still I had them and still have a few back at my parent's house.

In the last few years I've been noticing a real crack down on fat people (I've only really started to take interest in the news and politics and whatnot in the last five, forgive me for being more concerned with working, writing, college, and getting out on my own prior). Let's face it, that's what it is. Fat people aren't pretty to society's eyes and so society must do something about it. Never mind that all the healthy food is more expensive than the processed crap they shovel out onto the shelves. Don't get me wrong, I love Cheesy Tuna Helper and Beef Stroganoff Hamburger Helper, Ravioli in a can, Ramen, all that kind of stuff. It's relatively quick and easy to make and when I was working, going to school, and trying to have a social life, that's what I turned to when making fast dinners at my house.

Now that I've gotten away from my OCD Mother, I love her but she and I can't be in the same kitchen at one time because it's her way or else, I have experimented with other food and learned how to make more things from scratch and so on, and have really pushed for better food. Not trying to toot my own horn but I'm really not that bad of a cook. People have asked why I don't go to culinary school and do it professionally, I tell them that I don't like to be rushed in a kitchen and if I made a career then I wouldn't love  it anymore. The kitchen is mine when I am in and God help those who dare to enter without my expressed permission! Aside from that we don't buy processed food that much if at all. We buy more produce and fruit and meat. It's hard all of that stuff is expensive. I personally don't buy into the 'Organic' fad because it's the same thing and if people really wanted to get as Organic as they can then they should grow it all themselves.

Anyway, I've always said if Society/ Government/ Whoever, really wanted to help the 'Obesity Epidemic' they would make the unhealthy stuff more expensive than the healthy stuff or at least make the healthy stuff more affordable. But they won't because the Powers that Be want as many people dependent on the Government so the Government has more control of our every day lives, the more control they have the more they can do whatever they want and the less power we have to stop them. Yeah, I just said that, bite me, it's the truth.

Here's where the Government and the Powers that Be are already encroaching on our lives. They have decided that parents aren't responsible enough to buy and prepare food that is healthy enough for their children. I'm sorry but when you are living paycheck to paycheck and the "Government" decides that you make too much to get food stamps but all your money is going to bills and medical bills, you buy what you can for food and pray that it lasts. May parents would often make a big pot of Stew, Chili, or Bean Goo (it's what we called re-fried beans with salsa and hamburger mixed together for burritos) and eat it over the week. Dad would get sandwich meat and bread so we had sandwiches for lunch and cereal for breakfast. We made it just fine with what we had and besides, I didn't actually start getting fat until I went to college and ate the food the damned college served in the cafeteria, unhealthy processed foods, mother fuckers! All those carbs went straight to my ass!

Back to the point, Whomever is in charge has decided that parents aren't responsible enough to teach their kids healthy eating habits and has decided they are going to 'help educate' the poor impressionable children for them. One of the ways they are doing that is by fucking with one of the characters I loved watching as a child. I just want to point out that I am not a fan of cookies or brownies really. I like cake and pie but I'm still not a person who craves a lot of sweets. Cookie Monster is no longer the Cookie Monster, he's been ruined, in my opinion. Cookie's are a sometimes snack now. What the Fuck?! Leave shit alone, please, really.

I will allow that there are some parents who don't give a rats ass about their kids. That they park them in front of the TV to do whatever it is that floats their boat and should take responsibility of their kids, they made them after all damn it. But a lot of other parents are like my parents, they did everything they could to make sure I had food, clothes, shelter, and they actually did stuff with me like read to me, played games, watched a movie, ect... Hell, we even went to Grandma's and worked in the garden together.

The point is, stop trying to preach your ideals at people. Most are doing what they can and trying to provide the best they can. And stop ruining things I love with your political aims. If I want to feed my kids cookies and they want cookies then by god they shall have cookies!
    

Angry wrists

I have managed to some how crank out 6,522 words for NaNoWriMo and it's just day one. I'm sure some of my friends, who are participating, hate me. I traded sleep for writing time and got a good head start last night when I stayed up all night and worked my ass off. But it seems that while my goal of reaching 10,000 on day one is attainable if I keep cracking, it may cost me my sanity, the love of my dear Yoda-Chan who keeps flicking hair over my keyboard, and my wrists and elbows. I have tendinitis and with the swimming plus extensive cram writing, I've managed to aggravate it and have a pretty painful flare up. 

I've taken some pain medicine and when I've reached my goal I will shut the computer off and wrap my wrists in ice packs for a bit before going to sleep. As for my sanity, well I never really had a firm grip on that anyway. *Laughs manically*   

Congrats to the Olympic Medalists

First and foremost, I want to say Congratulations to ALL of the Olympic participants for getting there! Now I send congratulations to ALL of those who have won medals! I'm not just rooting for the athletes of my country, but for everyone because it takes a lot to be able to do some of the shit they do! Even when I was in the best shape of my life (that's really depressing to say since I am not even thirty) I couldn't swim as fast or run as fast, much less do a cartwheel or a flip. So I appreciate the time and effort, the pain, sweat, and tears that these people have gone through to get where they are and every medal won is well deserved!

A special congrats goes to Michael Phelps II. 19 medals as of tonight. He's now won the most medals of any person in history and he still has a couple more events to swim! He might just go home with a few more! Good luck to you Michael!

Congrats to Lauren and Missy Franklin as well! You go girls! 

Another special congrats goes to the American Women's Gymnastic Team, good job girls! You're awesome! 

Camp NaNoWriMo!

Today is the beginning of Camp NaNoWriMo! It is the same as National Novel Writer's month in that people who sign up write 50,000 words by the end of the month. It's essentially word vomit but at least you've gotten your ideas out on paper and can work from there.

Usually the Girlfriend and I would only do NaNoWriMo in November but this year I really wanted to try doing two. I have a novel that I have been trying to get out of me for awhile now (I have a few like that). You're supposed to start from scratch but I don't always. I will take a project that needs rewriting and start from the beginning and see where the rewrite takes me and then after NaNoWriMo is over I will take the best stuff from the first and 2nd or 3rd drafts and stitch them together to make a stronger piece of work. Last November I wrote a collection of short stories that still need to be edited and fine tuned and tweaked. Some further research needs to be done for one of them.

Anyway, we are geared up and ready to begin. We have coffee, snacks of pizza rolls, bagels, and chips (all the naughty stuff, we're going to get some fruit and veggies later). We have even set the girlfriend's mother up so she can particiapte too! I'm excited because I know what story she's going to be working on and I think it's freaking awesome! Meanwhile mine will have the usual death, sadness, and of course romance! I just need to finish cooking the pizzas and I am good to go on my end.

If I am still up, I will be going to the Kroc to swim at 5am. There are so few people there I can really move around, plus, no children. God love them but they are damn annoying when they decide you are their new best friend and have to tell you their life story. Cute, but I can't get my exorcise done with a kid yakking at me, mainly because I feel the need to pay attention instead of blowing them off. :)