Merry Christmas!

Happy holidays everyone! Be safe, be warm or cool depending on where you are, and most of all have fun! See you all next year and may it be a good one!

Whoa! A whole lot of stupid and little bit of fun!

Last night was the 2010 Winter Solstice Lunar Eclipse. For those who missed out due to weather or being in a part of the world that you couldn't see it, there's a picture but you've probably seen it plastered all over the web. I was one of those who were able to see it happening despite a little bit of could cover and a neighborhood orange tabby driving my parent's dog batty by just being on the patio. Maybe it's geek or nerdy of me but IT WAS SO COOL! Mankind hasn't seen a Lunar Eclipse on the winter solstice since 1639 AD and I got to see it! There was also a meteor shower happening at the same time and I got to see one meteor zip through the sky and didn't have to drive out into the country.

Speaking of Eclipse, I saw the movie, you know the one in the Twilight series everyone is just raging about. Now I've enjoyed the first two movies, they're not my favorite movies of all time, but I liked them for what they were. But Eclipse left me wanting and saying "That's it"? I felt like there wasn't much progression in the story line. However, I did like the black stories of Rosalie and Jasper. No, I haven't read the books, I don't know if the books are better than the movies and I don't care to know. I tried to read Twilight and couldn't get through the first page. I just didn't like the writing and maybe that has something to do with the fact that one of my friends was shoving the book down my throat every time I turned around and maybe not. All I know is, I just didn't like it.

I've been a little disenchanted with things lately; mostly in the people to whom I am related to. I am sad to say that my Grandmother is the one who gets hurt the most in the end no matter which way you cut it. My father's sister seems to think that she and her family know everything, are right about everything, and in being all knowing, having better jobs, are perfect and can be as condescending and haughty as they like and everyone else is just supposed to take the abuse and eat it all up with a smile.

Wrong, I don't care how great you think you are having a 12 year old son rub in his cousin's face that they are poor, throw a fit because a dog barked at him, and crawl into mommy's lap and hit her because he's not getting what he wants is down right disgusting. Having a 21 year old daughter who only takes an interest in her family so she looks good to grandma and then blowing said family off is disgusting. Ignoring your 83 year old mother who just wants to talk to you and not returning her calls for up to three weeks at a time is appalling, and telling me in the middle of Dairy Queen that my mother who is on pain management and only taking what she is prescribed, a junkie, is not only rude but inconsiderate. Trashing your brother at family holidays because he had different political opinions is just wrong. And then treating the rest of the family with such utter blatant disrespect and belittling the accomplishments of those who are trying to scrape by makes me wonder if you're even human.

Therefore, my parents and I will not be attending family Christmas at Grandma's this year and most likely ever again or any family holiday to which my father's sister and her family will be in attendance. We're tired of it and we're tried of keeping our mouths shut and taking verbal abuse just to keep the peace for Grandma's sake. We are the ones who take care of Grandma and Grandpa, we are the ones who actually care about them, and we are the ones who appreciate them and what they do and respect them, love them, and WANT to spend time with them because we love them not out of obligation. And in the end because my father's sister and her family have made it unbearable and pushed too far, it's Grandma who gets hurt because her family is falling apart in the twilight of her life and there is nothing she can do to fix it and she's understanding and kind enough not to ask us to grin and bear it.

There were of course many more things that have happened or have been said over the years that I have left out. Needless to say, I find myself in states of utter shock often when around that part of the family. They make me want to scream and strangle because I just can't believe that people would treat their only blood in such a manner but yet they do. The only good that can come out of watching how they behave and act, how they treat me and my parents is that they are good fodder for writing. I suppose I could say I am taking the stance Chaucer did in A Kinght's Tale and say "I was naked for a day, you will be naked for eternity".

On a more pleasant note, my father has last week off so I monopolized his evenings to play Guild Wars with him. I wanted to help him get through some missions and I enjoy gaming with him. It's father daughter time that's just as good as going for a drive and having long conversations. But then again we talk while playing too. It's just fun.

Migraine and a not so helpful kitty

Meet Yoda. He's my best friend, confidant, and for lack of a better term, my familiar. He waits for me to come home, has to sleep on me or my pillow at night, and insists on sitting next to me or on the minute I sit down. In fact, the fluffy fur ball is sitting beside me this very minute.

Earlier while blogging I felt the on set of a migraine coming and but wasn't fast enough to the medicine before it kicked into full bloom. So I had to take two and Amanda tucked me in on the sofa, put in a movie for me, and there Yoda was, waiting to jump up and plop right on my hip. He was nice enough to wait until I was comfortable and then jump and plop! Now this cat weighs about 20-25 pounds and he likes to put most of his weight on one paw so there was a moment or two of groaning.
But as per usual when I have to take two of my migraine meds I conked out pretty quick.

When I awoke, I had a cat hat. Yoda loves to curl around my head, laying half on, half off. But there's only so much room on the sofa and so he was kind of wiggled his way and now I have a crick in my neck. *sigh* Even in my sleep I spoil the bastard.

Never a dull moment

Last Friday wasn't one of my happiest days but after blogging and finding the rum that I've been hoarding for a cousin (so other people wouldn't drink it), I had a blast! Three rum and cokes and the new Star Trek plus IM chatting with a friend and I came up will all sorts of interesting things. For instance, a hooker shouldn't jump on a car wearing stilettos because the heels will go right through the metal and they'll fall off and break their shoes. Don't ask, I don't know.

And apparently even when drunk I am full of useless information. Poor Bethy was subjected to my knowledge of how Gene Roddenberry also created Earth Final Conflict and Andromeda and some things about each of those shows. I think she forgives me... At least I hope she does.

Also that evening Amanda had to chase me around the apartment to get me to drink water. Apparently I was giggling about it and giving her a hell of a time.

Saturday Amanda and I went to my parents house to do our laundry and to have my Dad look at my car. We ended up having to buy a new radiator which brings me to Sunday where I went to Grandma Diane's and my cousin Tony took out the old and out in the new radiator for a 12 pack of beer. He had it done in time for Amanda to go to work. So I spent the rest of the day with Tony, Sheena, and Tony's GF Jayma, at my aunt Laura's house. We played Rummy and 'shot the shit' as Tony calls it while watching Tony get drunk and the proceeded to tease him.

Sunday night I returned to my parents house to get my laundry and spend time with my mom. Spending time with my mom is rather difficult because no matter how many times I tell her it's hard on my back to sit or lay on her bed, she doesn't ever want to leave her room. She refuses to come downstairs where I can sit comfortably and after this last visit, either she comes down into the living room or she gets over me not spending time with her. I am not spending the rest of the day and the next day with back pain so bad I can't sit, stand, or lay down.

Anyway I was informed that I needed to shoot a message on facebook to my Dad's sister and let her know that we will not be attending the family xmas at Grandma's and for her family not to buy anything for us for xmas. I explained that none of us have the money to afford gifts and I have a transportation problem since Amanda has to work on xmas. She sent a message back asking why we weren't going to be there and then sent another saying that she would come pick me up for dinner. I don't think so.

I left out of the message half of the reason why we will not be attending. One of those reasons being that she and her husband have and still continue to use every opportunity to insult my parents. They have more money, have better political views, have better jobs ect... so they are right and everyone else is wrong and beneath them. while I am sick and tired of them treating my parents like crap the reason I am not going is because I am tired of how her kids treat me. Her son asked me at Thanksgiving if I had seen the new Harry Potter movie and when I said I hadn't, he said "Oh I forgot, you're poor, it's okay,". HOW the hell is rubbing in someone's face that they are poor ever okay? It's not, its rude and no matter how true, hurtful.

Further more the little shit got scared of my dad's dog barking at him and decided that he hated the dog and wanted it outside. Um Kali is a mini dachshund and its winter, she can't stay outside but does a selfish, self centered, bratty 12 year old who gets everything he wants care? Nope. That wasn't the end of his terrible behaviors for the evening and the fact that my aunt lets him get away with all of it is shocking. If I did half the crap he does, I would have been dead at 4.

So now I have to send a reply message to my aunt telling her that I respectfully decline the offer of her coming to pick me up and leave it at that. I mean it's not like they really want me there except to remind me of how poor I am or how much my parents suck and I would have a much better xmas if I just avoided that altogether.

*Screams* BAD DAY!

Woke up, got into a fight with Amanda. Managed to get out of the house and to the bank in time to get rent paid. As I pulled up to pay rent my Jeep started smoking. I thought oh shit! Got out and it was spraying brown mucky antifreeze through the grill and down from inside the front. We just paid over 1,000 dollars to get the damned thing running and put a sealant in to hold the crack in the radiator until I could afford to get the stupid thing replaced! AND Amanda's car is in the shop and needs to be paid for but we haven't gotten it registered here yet.

On top of all of that I can't get my bathroom to look clean not matter how much I clean it. There's been so many slap happy paint jobs done in there, half assed caulking that's cracking, and no matter how hard a scrub I can't get the dirt look out of the tub. I'm going to have scrape the tile, re-caulk everything, and bleach the grout and tub!

So that mess cleaned up and the cat vomit I nearly stepped in cleaned up and I turn around and find cat shit right in the middle of the living room. I swear if it isn't one things its another!

Tomorrow I was going to spend the day at my parents house catching up on all the laundry and now I'm going to have to do that plus scramble around trying to get my car fixed and beg my mom for something cleaning supplies so I can scrub my carpet of the cat vomit stains.

So much for spending a relaxing day hanging out with my parents and getting to tell them any exciting news. They'll be so pissed about the car and having to pick me up and drive me around that they won't even care.

A night not entierly wasted.

Last night, for the life of me, I couldn’t get anything written except a measly blog post. I even tried to write an rp post for Amanda and just couldn’t do it. So I gathered all my flash drives and went about looking for something to catch my attention. I ended up stumbling across a few story ideas from a couple of years ago that I had forgotten about. One of which was a story about a Mage and the nine pages I have written were enough to make me go ‘Uh, where’s the rest?’ and ‘This is actually really cool, where was I going to go with this’?

At this point in time the Mage’s name is Amara and the story opens up on the field of battle and she’s pinned to the ground by one of the enemy. On one hand she thinks its befitting that this person in particular is the one who will kill her and she’s going to accept death at his hands. However, the one thing she wants most in life is to live so there’s this little moment of struggle…

And that’s all I’m going to say. I don’t want to give it all away since I am really thinking of picking it up again and seeing what I can do with it. But the above picture is as close as I could come to what Amara looks like. She wouldn’t wear her hair pinned like that and the armor definitely wouldn’t be the same, but that’s roughly the same build and pretty close to what she’d look like facially, at least what I can remember of her. The picture is actually a screen shot taken of my Guildwars character, Heidi Von Nacht.

Anyway, aside from Amara, I ran across one about a little fox, a few fan fictions I had started, and a couple of old novels, I’d started and set aside for one reason or another. I don’t know if I will pick some of the novels back up or if they need to simmer on the back burner longer, but it was fun going back to look at stuff I’d written a few years ago none the less. It made me remember that once upon a time, I’d wanted to be a fantasy author…

So, I spent the evening reading, reminiscing, and I think that finally, today, I can actually write again. I hope.

NaNoWriMo aftermath...

I’ve quite literally been up a mere hour and half today and for the first time in very long time, I am bored. Typically I have a book(s) to read, housework to do, dinner to make, job search engines to peruse, and a story to work on. However, I just don’t feel like doing any of that today or much of anything else. I don’t know whether or not it’s a combination of crappy Thanksgiving at Grandma’s (due to certain family members, that’s a whole other blog post) and the aftermath of NaNoWriMo or if I just feel inexplicably lazy today.

I’m sure some of it is partly the waning excitement of winning NaNoWriMo this year. It is one of the first big writing accomplishments I’ve had in a long time and I wrote pretty much nonstop the whole month. Of course after the 50,000 was reached I kept writing but not as hardcore and opted to focus on a few other things like Castiel in Supernatural. And, story wise, I’m at the ‘big scene’ or climax as technical people call it, so it should be super easy right? I’ve only been gearing up for this scene the whole story and here I am and I don’t feel like writing it or maybe I’m too scared to see how it ends…

Recently my Dad started reading the Drizzt books of the Forgotten Realms series. I told him I really enjoyed the first book and most of the second but I can’t finish the second book because one of my favorite characters will die. (Thank you Lucas for spoiling it for me) I told him I just couldn’t read beyond that point because I didn’t want the character to die and we decided that if I didn’t read beyond that point then the character, for me at least, is still living. I think that’s partly what’s going on with the end of my NaNoWriMo novel. I don’t want it to end.

But I don’t think that’s the only reason either. I think I’m also not happy with this book. I wrote it fast, it’s not even 200 pages and I’m already at the big showdown, I haven’t done any real editing, and the story seems… well, like a lot of what’s out on the market, which equals mediocre. I really really hate that.

On one hand picking up a novel and reading the work of someone I can’t believe even got published is a little comforting and I’m not saying that to be mean or elevate my own writing as something grandiose or spectacular, I’m just saying that some of what is out on the market is not good writing at all. So with that said I feel like I might have a snowball’s chance at actually getting published. Of course I could pay someone to publish my work but that’s Vanity publishing and I feel like that’s cheating.

Am I a good writer? Spelling and grammar aside, I’d like to think I’m at least decent and getting better. And I’m not looking to write some Nobel Peace Prize winning book or some ground breaking piece that takes the world by storm. I’m only writing Paranormal Romance but I would at least like to reach a best seller status amidst that realm.

But the day before yesterday, yesterday, and even today, I just can’t seem to get the mojo flowing. It’s not that it’s not there. I’ve got dialogue running through my head for this novel and plot ideas dancing this way and that for another story in the midst of creation all the while I’m still flip flopping ideas on how to fix some things in another story, but nothing’s doing what it’s supposed to. Except that now it sort of is. Weird, I had to write a blog post to get my brain working and make me remember that I have research to do. *head desk*

Won NaNoWriMo

YAY!!! Today I put in my word count for the verifier on the National Novel Writer's Month website and won with 57, 755 words. The novel isn't quite finished, I still have at least a couple of chapters left to write but it feels good none the less. Tomorrow, when I go over to my aunts for Thanksgiving, I am going to make a stop at my parent's house to print out my certificate. And you better bet your ass I'm showing it off!

Toil and boil

Today has been a productive day in some fashion. I got the dishes caught up, vacuumed, did a little dusting, and picked up the house for the upcoming week. Also, I made Bierocks for dinner.

However, in the process of making dinner, right before Skoora left for work, Skoora told me about her sister-in-law's website and that said sister-in-law not only has her NaNoWriMo (that's National Novel Writer's Month) book finished but she is also working on two other novels. That should be fantastic news, right? I should be excited and congratulating her right? Well, I probably would be had this woman and Skoora's brother not driven Skoora's mother into a nervous breakdown. But we won't go into the devastation they have caused nor their depravity, it would take entirely too long.

The thing that got me so upset is that Skoora's sister-in-law is actually getting somewhere. I know that she's got an agent probably from whatever vanity publishing company she'd trying to publish through and I know that Vanity publishing is just that, vanity. They are real publishing companies but they will publish anything. They aren't like true blue, big time publishers who are picky and choosy about what they publish. So she won't have to deal with rejection letters and the real struggle to perfect the story and iron out everything to make it something marketable, something a real publisher will pick up.

Also, she hasn't been writing as long as I have. I've been writing since I was 13, that's half my life. I've written a variety of things and struggled with characters, grammar, which words to use which not,writing just began as a little hobby but became a passion, it's my dream. To see someone like her, someone so cruel and vicious who is only writing because she thinks she can, and actually get somewhere with it, is like a slap in the face.

But then I have been noticing a lot of that lately. People who are deceitful and greedy, who walk all over others, they get everything they want. It doesn't make much sense to me. Shouldn't those who are truly wicked fall short and those who are honest and give an honest try and don't delight in hurting others come out on top? It's a question that has been on my mind a lot in the last few years.

I just hope that one of these days, all my hard work and long hours of juggling this and that, will pay off. Because if this bitch makes it and I do not, I just don't know what I will do with myself. I know that I have flaws as a writer, flaws I am constantly working on, constantly struggle with but she seems oblivious to hers in her writing and in life.

Really, I know I am probably being stupid again, petty even, but I truly feel cheated and like I just want to boil this woman alive (of course some of that has to do with things non-writing related). And I am certain I will get over it in due time.

Busy day... I'm scared to eat.

When I woke up today, I noticed how lovely it looked through the open blinds. The trees are really beginning to turn, the sky was wonderfully overcast and at some point there had even been a little rain. I covet rainy overcast days in autumn. I thought it's going to be a nice day. Then I saw the doom clock snickering that it was after 3 in the afternoon. That's not so bad since I didn't get to be until about 6 am but still, I was out of bed lickity split.

Why was I up until 6am? Because we had to wait for Sko's check to hit the bank at 2am then we went to Wal-Mart to get some very, desperately needed groceries. I don't think we even got home until after 4. Then there was the putting away of the food, I had to dig the xmas tree and few decorations we had out of the storage closet and suddenly the sun was up.

So, back to today. I've been a busy bee, filling out applications, cleaning the kitchen, gathering up the dirty laundry and trash, and I've even got a roast in the crock pot. Earlier I put up my xmas tree and decorated it. Management can't bitch about my tree being up inside and if they do, I'll give them a piece of my mind. They've really pissed me off lately and lied to us a couple of times.

Anyway, I just recently sat down to start working on my NaNoWriMo novel and realized that the reason I felt so icky was because I haven't really eaten anything today. But when I get up to go get something, since we actually have food again, I get scared and back away from the fridge and cupboard. It's like I'm terrified to touch the food or something. But I'm cooking a roast for dinner and tomorrow I planned on making stew or bierocks. I have to wonder if subconsciously my brain is telling me not to touch the food in case we hit a rough patch again and there isn't any but some of that stuff you can only store and save for so long.

The good news with NaNoWriMo is that as of 11:30pm last night I updated my word count and am sitting at 28,795 words, that over half way to the goal and I've been writing a little today. So hopefully, if I am lucky, I can get at least another two thousand written by 11:30 tonight and be that much closer to the goal.

Almost half way finished.

Yesterday, against my better judgment, I spent the whole day writing for NaNoWriMo. That's National Novel Writer's Month for those imaginary people I think might actually read my blog and don't know. Anyway, it was against my better judgment because I am unemployed, should be looking for a job, or preforming some kind of house keeping duties somewhere as penance for being unemployed. Also because the more I get written the more my significant other is upset by it and no matter what she and my father say about how cool it would be if I could actually finish and publish a book, they would much rather I write as a hobby and be working part time. But there in lies the problem of no one is hiring and if they so manage to actually take a look at my application, once they see me in person, they take one look at my fat, Plain Jane physical appearance, and give me the run around.

Ugh, okay, now that that's out of my system. You now know that I spent the whole day writing. I wrote over 6,000 words and in those words, I managed to write a pretty decent chunk of story. After looking it over there is little that I would change, maybe flower up the wording a little more, but otherwise, I really liked it and I like the new avenues opening up with the story. And after all was said and done for the day and I had written to the point that I either needed to keep writing or take a break, I totaled up my word count and found that I am almost half way to 50,000 words. 50,000 words is, I guess, the considered amount for a novel. I'm sitting at 22,636 words as of 11 pm last night.

Don't think I will get 6,000 words written today but I am hoping to get at least 5,000.

Not a good start to the week.

Last night my Grandparents gave me some money. I gave ten of it to Skoora for gas right away and quickly hid the rest. I ended up telling Skoora about what I hid a few hours later and perused Amazon to find a few little xmas presents for her since I don't know if I will have a job by then would have the money available to get her something nice. I found three inexpensive things and added them to my cart and this morning placed the order.

We went to the bank to deposit the money and used a little of the rest to get lunch. I know I should have saved the money for food but Grandma also sent me home with some food so I could make dinners for us this week, just enough to get us through until Skoora gets paid. Skoora got really mad at me. She said she felt horrible because I don't have a job and still manage to find ways to get her presents and she has a job and can't seem to manage to get me anything and that I should have used the money for food. That made me feel terrible.

Yes, my intentions were good but also, for the last couple of years I haven't been able to really get her anything so personal and perfect for her, or anything I knew she would really want. Which was why I attacked her wish list on Amazon. I had to sit back and watch as her family and friends all got her things that said they knew her really well and she would really enjoy. It's silly and pathetic but just once I wanted to really get her a few little good xmas presents, things she's been wanting and more to say that I appreciate everything she's being doing for me. So when she got mad at me, I felt like it was all ruined and my efforts meaningless.

After we fought she said she wasn't mad but I almost want to cancel the order. She feels bad because she wasn't able to get me anything for our anniversary and I did. But I explained that her anniversary and a birthday gifts were purchased way in advance and while I was still working so she shouldn't feel bad about those and she shouldn't feel bad about xmas. She has no idea how horrible I feel not being able to find a job or the fear I had of not being able to get her something nice for xmas. She has no idea how excited and relieved I felt to have a little bit of money that I could use for her to make sure she had something and how important I felt it was that she have a good xmas especially after hearing that her parents wouldn't be coming. And her parents aren't coming due to other family members and their bullshit. They are postponing their trip until after xmas which I feel is wrong and feel that Skoora shouldn't have to be made to suffer for the deeds of others.

So in the end, my excitement and comfort in getting a few little xmas gifts for Skoora has been ground into nothing. I'm not going to cancel the order so she will still get them but I don't feel like they will mean much. Also, I can't find my medicine anywhere, which isn't helping, and I kind of just want to go back to bed. I am really starting to hate xmas and my favorite holiday, Halloween, it was as if it never happened, so what holiday spirit or joy is left for me this year?

Visiting Grandma

I decided to join my parents on the Sunday night trip to Grandma's. I haven't really be over to visit my grandparents in a while.

So here I am sitting next to a space heater, in the Family room working on my NaNo project, half watching the military channel with my Grandfather, who is a Veteran. I think this is the first time I have seen him stay on a channel for more than five minutes at a time. He typically changes channels after about five minutes. That's hopeful considering Grandpa's Alzheimer's is getting worse by the day.

Speaking of Grandpa and his Alzheimer's disease, today hasn't been the best of days. He didn't remember that Grandma had sold the RV to the church pastor and so when my Dad and I began helping grandma clean it out today, he grew upset. That's was easy and it was worse when Grandma tried her best not to cry over having to sell the RV. But they are getting older (they are both in their 80s) and can't do all that they want to with it and it's become more of a hassle than they can handle.

But after the RV clean out, we had dinner. Which brings me to the next part of the evening. My mother is asleep at the dinning room table after having taken her medicine for migraine and what ever else it is she needs to take. My Dad is sleeping a few feet from with with the dog on his lap, probably due to a mixture of food coma and exhaustion. I am waiting for my Grandma to come in so I can show her my NaNo project because I think she might actually like it. It has also been a long time since Grandma has read anything I have written. Of course this isn't the best stuff and it's only a rough draft so I'm actually wondering if I should just keep it to myself instead of actually showing her. I told her a little about it and she seemed annoyed that there are vampires in my story. *Sigh*

It used to be that when we came to visit my grandparents, we'd eat and then sit around talking. It seems that over the years a visit to grandma's now consists of helping grandma around the house a little bit, eating, and then sleeping. Nothing is what it used to be and just seems pathetic and depressing. I don't know why my Grandma wants us to come over anymore.

I think I want a cigarette but I quit smoking and part of me wants to delve into the liquor friends have left at my house for safe keeping and get really drunk. However I don't really even drink. In short I think I am depressed and looking for something, anything almost, to take the sting out of all the disappointment and not so efficiently caged frustration and anger that keeps building inside. My coping devices are losing their potency and of course they would with lack of support from family and friends despite my efforts to read and offer advice. Recently I quit offering advice to friends, especially when they make idiotic decisions that I know will end badly, knowing that if I say something it will only piss them off no matter how courteous and gentle, tactful I say it.

*sigh* I'm done muttering venting for the evening and need to get back to work if I want to get anything done at all.

The Hang Up

My car was recently paid off. Yay!!!! Right? For that part maybe or maybe my car has a soul and knew so it decided to break down. Turns out it took over one thousand dollars just to get it running and I still have a leak in the radiator, need to replace my shocks, and several other things that will probably cost me another thousand.

Well I’m currently unemployed so I didn’t have the money to fix it on my own and Skoora’s car is out for the count so that left us with no car. On top of that the breaks in my father’s truck are going out. So Dad had to call Grandma for a loan to help us out. My mother jumped all over that and has been using that against me, holding it over my head, to get me to do whatever it is that she wants. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problems doing the dishes, the laundry, taking out the trash, those sorts of things to help out in return for them helping me out. And I have been doing that, without complaint.

Also, I didn’t complain last night when she said that she wanted to hang out with me. She had the TV going, was talking to me, and I let her use my computer to look at gemstones on her jewelry site and LOLCats, even though all I wanted to do was work on my National Novel Writer’s Month project. I lost four hours of writing time and in four hours I can average between 3000 and 4000 words, even with little interruptions. But Mom wanted to hang out so, I was game.

However, what I do have a problem with is my mom saying that she wants to hang out with me only instead of actually hanging out with me; she chewed me out for three hours. She chewed me out about where to apply for jobs and why I haven’t applied at certain places. Then she chewed me out about the chores and laundry never mind that her laundry is basically caught up (unless she’s got more hidden away that I don’t know about) and the dishes had just been done the day before. So to get her off my case, I went to sleep.

What really depresses me is A) that I had to go to sleep to get a break and B) that she doesn’t understand the importance and significance of National Novel Writer’s Month or why I am participating. Worse, she can’t even respect me enough to let me write while I am at her house. She’s always got to have me doing something. If it isn’t some house work, its letting the dog out every five minutes, making dinner, or getting her soda, or running an errand. Like I aforementioned, these are things I don’t mind doing.

What brings me to why I’m even blogging in the first place about it is that my mother just hung up on me not too long ago. Apparently she’d pissed because I didn’t stick around to sweep and mop her floors today. I’m sorry, today is Amanda’s day off, I haven’t really spent any time at home, and I need a freaking break as well as some UNINTERUPTED writing time. Well that just wasn’t acceptable to her. So we fought about it and I told her that I would do it on Monday while Amanda was at work. So she changed her story and said she never asked me to sweep and mop her floors, that she only asked me to ‘help’ her sweep and mop because she can’t move the furniture.

Haha, yeah right. If I waited on her to do that, I’d be waiting all freaking week, be over there every day of the week, and it would never get done because there would always be some reason why she couldn’t get out of bed. So I told her, no, I would do it on my own on Monday. She of course had to tell me that it wouldn’t be done right if she didn’t do it. And we argued some more and in the end she assumed that I made it quite clear that I wasn’t going to ‘help’ her and hung up on me.

Guess what, because she hung up on me, I’m definitely not going to do it. And because I was so furious with her, I called m Grandmother and told her that I wouldn’t be coming for a visit tomorrow because I didn’t want to see my mom. Grandma understands, thankfully and said there would be other days to visit.

Point of fact: My mother doesn’t want a daughter, she wants a maid. Also, she’s a Chiwawa with Lock Jaw. She never shuts up and she never lets go of anything once she sinks her teeth into it.

So this week, I’ll be going over to do my laundry, I’ll do the chores I normally do to help out and if she mentioned the floors to me again, I’m telling her to get Dad to help her, she lost my help when she hung up on me.

All in all, this is pretty pathetic and she pissed me off so bad I was crying and now have a headache, not to mention that I can’t seem to settle down enough to actually write anything more than a blog post.

I need to vent because I'm going nuts.

I'm still looking for a job. That task hasn't been easy nor has it been fruitful and frankly it looks pretty bleak. But that hasn't stopped me from looking. I've even applied at Suite 101 just so I could have a little money coming in to help. It's been well over a week and while their website says application are reviewed within 24hrs, my application status is still blank. So I pretty much gave up on them.

On top of that and all the bills that we are struggling pay, I dropped my cell phone in the toilet, thought it was dried out enough, put it back together and promptly fried it. So I am borrowing my mother's cell phone but put my sim card in it. The only problem with that is that my sim card doesn't want to give up the phone book numbers I have plugged into it therefore I don't know who is calling when they call. And since I am getting calls from collections for my hospital bills... I'm never sure who it is that is calling.

Stressful as all of that was, we had to borrow money from Sko's parents to help us so we can at least get enough groceries to survive on. My parent's paid off the rest of my car and lo and behold it decided to start acting up. Sko's car still isn't fixed so we've been running on one car and barely been able to afford the gas to put in it to keep it going. So when she called me told me that it was smoking and smelled like it was burning and a couple of other things and she didn't think it was safe to drive it home and now I have to get my parents to let me borrow their truck to go get her... *Screams and banks head on desk*

Oh and the beauty of it all is that both my parents are telling me to calm down. How the hell am I supposed to calm down when I've been panicking every day, felt so horrible and useless, don't even know what to do anymore, and feel so guilty terrible that they have had to help me so much and Sko's parents have been helping too and it's just... I mean I don't even know what to do anymore and I'm about to go crazy with all of these emotions flying around and switching back and forth. They just want me to be all calm and collected about everything, like this isn't a big deal. It IS a big deal because it's more money that I know they don't have that they will have to shell out to help me again.

Worse, I was going to try and do NaNoWrMo next month and I don't even think that I'll be able to settle down and clear my head enough to produce anything.

The whole reason I quit working at OLC was so I didn't have to live in a constant state of fear and panic and dread. But it's almost as if I didn't quit, just different circumstances and environment.

There, I vented.

Being a fat girl isn't easy in the job market.

You might be wondering why there is a painting of a woman above. There is a point.

Today started out much like any day. I went through my somewhat haphazard routine of dressing, fussing with my hair, feeding the cats, deciding whether or not I would put on make up, and picking up the house. Normally I wouldn't be in a rush but today I had things to do, one of which was to drive over to the nearest Walgreen's and complete the next step in my application process. So, after about a hour, I was ready to go.

When I arrived, I was taken to a back office by one of the ladies in the photo department. She got the computer nice and ready for me and let me be to take the skill assessment. Aside from missing the first question and feeling like an idiot for it, the assessment was straight forward and quick. Next step on the directions for me to follow was to find a store manager.

The store manager was found in record time and he seemed like a nice enough guy except for the tell tale sign that I knew I would never be hired there. Every time I go into a place for an interview or check on an application I watch the managers. In my experience if they do the "elevator eyes" and give me some brush off quick answer, I know I will not be considered. This man did exactly that. He looked me over up and down, said they hired on a need basis and walked away. For my part of it, I left the store in a hurry to take a deep breath in my car before I screamed.

In the near ten years I have been in and out of the work force, I haven't had as much trouble finding a job as I have in the last few years. Sure the bad economy plays a part and the fact that it's the employer's market adds to the problem but there is another reason. I am an overweight female. It doesn't matter how nice I dress, if I wear make up or fix my hair, the first thing an employer is looking at are not my qualifications, job history, ect... They see my weight and my gender.

Point of fact, a few years ago I was hired at a deli chain at $5.50 an hour. Two months later my cousin, who is skinnier, more attractive (despite her rat face), and has a larger chest was hired on at $6.00. She had less work history and was a high school drop out. While working for this company I subjected to harassment from one of the managers about my weight, how he was "going to whip me into shape" and how I was "slower" than the rest of the workers. Upset by the constant harassment and learning that another manager had to fight him for the raises I was due from passing my certifications, I quit. I worked just as hard if not harder than the rest of the employees. I was trained in several positions and did each one every shift I worked.

Now not all managers are like that and not all of them give me the elevator eyes. I have met some really nice managers who might look me over, but actually engage in conversation, try to get a feel for who I am, what I am like and what not even if it's just for a few minutes, and those managers always promise to look over my application and get back to me. Sometimes they do sometimes they don't, either way, they gave me the time of day.

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about how society has changed in its view of women. During the Renaissance or middle ages having a fat wife or daughter(s) was a good thing. It meant the man was providing for his family and was wealthy enough to do so. It was a status symbol and fat women were thought as beautiful. Where as today, fat women are generally viewed as pigs and ugly. Skinny, thin, toned, or athletic women are prized and sought after. Thin women get ahead in society, they have a better chance at getting a job, finding a man, and being treated better.

Personally I don't think it should matter whether or not you are fat or thin but it does. Especially now with the 'being healthy' or 'being thin is beautiful' craze is going on. But does anyone ever stop to look at what people, especially women are doing to themselves to achieve this ideal look? People are hurting themselves, emotionally, mentally, and physically and worse they are miserably scrambling to meet society's standards.

I admit, I am one of those miserable fat females who wishes even for a second that the issue of which color of dress or which dress to wear on a date was the most pressing part of an evening out. Shopping for clothing is a nightmare. Trying clothes on is disappointing because you see something you really like but it won't fit right or its too small and there isn't a size bigger. Or worse, they just don't have anything in your size and anything you do try on is far too tight for any sense of modesty and propriety.

Sure there are diets out there, crash diets, pills,medical procedures, books but none of them really work. Mostly because people are more miserable on the diets, pills, and diet guide books than they were when they were eating what they wanted and they all cost exorbitant amounts of money. If you're poor, you just can't afford that stuff much less to eat "healthy". When you're poor you have to plan and make food that lasts.

Now in my case, yes, I am poor. My house hold would rank on the poverty level. So that means that I have a limited amount of grocery spending money. I don't get food stamps or assistance. However, I do my best to make well rounded meals, I've tried cutting out sweet and starches, things that are known to keep people fat. I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit and meat. Still I find myself fat and not losing. In fact in the last few weeks I've gained weight, which is interesting since I haven't really had a lot available to eat.

Have I tried exercise, you bet. I have a nice pond that I walk around occasionally, when I feel up to it and my allergies aren't bothering me too much to do so. I was swimming nearly every day in the indoor pool at my apartment complex. However they seemed to have closed the pools since the school year stared. Also, I have a set of stairs that I go up and down several times a day. But I can't afford to get a membership at a health club. I can't afford the YMCA. So what am I supposed to do and why can't people understand that?

More importantly, why can't people look beyond themselves, look beyond what society deems "beautiful", and look beyond how a person looks and give them a chance.

Silly me, long day...

This morning was not a good morning but then again morning and I haven't seen eye to eye for several years now. However, things got progressively better. I ended up going to my cousin's house for the second evening in a row to hang out with my cousin, Aunt, and Uncle. It was fun for the most part, I wasn't by myself. Shi-chan and I watch the first disk of Vampire Diaries, season one. I also tried to help out with their evening babysitting of my other cousin's kid, who as it turns out, has some kind of worm in her stomach. No, not a tape worm, this is something that apparently is common in children, and said worm makes it so she loses weight and doesn't want to eat anything. So the kid is on a medication that's supposed to be killing it.

Things were very chaotic over there and while I was a little sad to leave, I am happy to be in the quite of my own living room.

Speaking of my living room... I have been watching Kuroshitsuji or Black Butler. So far I really like it and adore Sebastian.

And now I am going to post this because I am exhausted and I'm feeling queasy not to mention can't really focus at the moment.

Oh and the silly me part... I accidentally started following myself on here. I don't know how I did it and probably won't exert any extra energy tonight to figure out how to un-follow myself until tomorrow or later.

Two Issues: Part Two: Some Days Kansas Sucks!

Recently, when over at my parents house, I grabbed their mail for them. Sometimes there is still the occasional letter or bill for me sent to them, so I tend to look through it just to make certain nothing came for me. However, there was something that made me just about blow my top.

Apparently the rule in the American Constitution under Amendment 2 is up for debate, as in they want to do away with the right to vote for anyone who has a 'mental illness'. As in anyone who has depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder ect... Will lose the right to vote unless enough people vote to keep our right. Yep, you guessed it, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am perfectly capable and intelligent enough to vote and share my opinion.

HOW DARE SOME JACK ASS POLITICIAN(S) TRY TO TAKE MY RIGHTS AWAY BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SO MINUSCULE AND INEFFECTUAL!

So come November 2nd I am driving down the the nearest voter's booth and putting in my vote to keep my right to vote. And if it turns out that not enough people vote and my rights are taken away, I'm going to start a petition stating:

"You took my right to vote away, I want compensation! If I can't vote then I don't have to work and you can support me for the rest of my life and give me the best health care for free!"

I bet there will be a lot of people jumping on that bandwagon. Since there are tons of American's who would rather sit on their asses doing what they want instead of working for a living.

Two Issues: Part One: Heat Demon

More years than I care to admit, as in over a decade ago don't make me specify, a good friend I was going to high school with told me I was a "Heat Demon". The bizarre reason being that sometimes my face, neck and shoulders heat up so much you can actually feel the heat radiating off my skin a good three to five inches away. It's subtle but still detectable. And the rest of me... Fine.

Well, I haven't had an instance like that in a good two years. However tonight my face, neck, shoulders, and even my back are so hot I have to wipe down with a cold, wet wash cloth. It's 54 degrees outside and we have the patio door open with a fan blowing on high to get some cold air on me so I can breathe. I'm not sweating and the rest of me is freezing but the places that are heated up are so hot my eyes are watering. Not sure why this is happening or how, it doesn't seem natural.

Thinking of taking to my doctor next time I see her if the problem persists.

Curl up

Today is my 3 year anniversary with Skoora. We went to wal-mart for cat litter, cat food, a few food supplies so I can make dinner tomorrow, and got a big cookie. We also went to Papa Murphy's for some pizza. Then we came home, played around on our respective computers for a little bit, talking and looking at things together, and made pizza. A little after we ate I dozed and Sko woke me to get me to go lay down in bed. The problem is, it's only now 9 pm and worse, I'm wide awake. My tummy is a little upset as well and I'm feeling a little depressed. I'm not sure why though, doesn't make much sense.

Well that's that.

I forgot to mention something in my last post...

It seems to strange that something like this would slip my mind or not be at least more prevalent in trains of thought... But perhaps I was focusing more on other things.

My Mom had a best friend while I was growing up and until recent years when said friend became a pill popping junkie and did some things that I won't mention, they were very good friends. Sadly, despite how angry we were with her and this outcome not being totally unexpected, she died from a drug over dose. She wasn't found until 24 hours after she'd died, alone, on the floor in her house last week. It was still a shock and it still stings and we are going to miss her. We might have been upset with her but it didn't keep us from caring for her and wondering if she was alright and what not. It wasn't that we wanted to cut her off, it was that if we didn't, she'd only find ways to take things from us to hurt herself.

On a lighter note, Amanda's cousin Bob flew down to Oklahoma to visit his girlfriend. Yesterday, they drove up for a visit and this is the first time in a year that we've gotten to see Bob. It's really nice. At the moment we're talking about magic cards.

Funk a Funk...

This week I've managed to make Pumpkin bread, two rounds of chicken stir fry (my own concoction), and now I am making a roast for dinner. And I just burnt the crap out of my tongue doing a brief taste test. The good news is, the roast tastes great.

Aside from cooking adventures in the kitchen, I've sort of slipped into a funk. I haven't been feeling too well lately and at first thought it was head cold. Now, I'm not so sure and don't have the foggiest idea of what's eating me. Of course not feeling well doesn't help with how utterly frustrated and surprisingly confused I've felt for the last several days. I find myself apologizing over and over again for the most minuscule things or getting angry over nothing. And shockingly enough my usual outlet of writing hasn't been the least bit helpful, leaving me with a profound feeling of helplessness and being stuck with no idea what to do or who to talk to about it. Stranger still, I feel like if I express my concerns or feelings, then I will somehow be in trouble.

Now that's just weird, I'm almost 27, I shouldn't have such childish notions in my head and yet they are there. Mix all of it together in the stew pot simmering in my head and I can't seem to settle down enough to even try to the most mundane of tasks without feeling guilty, upset, and horribly frustrated and trying to sit. Forget trying to lose myself in a story or a book for a moment or two and most certainly knock writing right out the window. It seems that for the moment, until I can suss out the issues and figure a way to deal with them, I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck in living limbo and to me, that is a terribly frightening place to be.

But everything will work out eventually and something really awesome will happen.

It has been awhile...

It has been some time since I last updated and several things have happened.

I quit my job at OLC GLobal.
I went to the funeral of a co-worker from OLC.
Amanda's birthday came and went.
I got voted into DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution). I will know if I am a member down the road since they have to check my ancestry but since my Grandmother is a member, well... It's a good bet that I will make it too.

And finally I got called by First Student for a bus driving position. I started unpaid training last Monday. Yes, UNPAID. I probably wouldn't mind the unpaid part if I hadn't had to have been up at 5 every morning to sit in a class room for 10 hours every day last week and learned what I did.

The first two days I was slammed with tons of information, all of which I had to memorize and learn by Wednesday. Wednesday I had to go to the DMV to take a CDL written test as well as test for passenger and school bus endorsements. Thursday we were supposed to go back for those who didn't pass the test and do bus familiarization. However, I was so exhausted and I think the Tuberculosis test they gave me made me sick. No, I don't have TB, but apparently I am allergic to the serum they injected me with. Friday I went back for most of the day to get the last day of class room training only to be told that I would have to come back this week to get what I missed Thrusday and take the class room test. I am also supposed to go tomorrow for CPR and First Aid certifications.

That all aside the really tricky part is after all the class room stuff is finished and my back ground check and physical come back alright, I have to wait for First Student to call me and schedule time to do on the bus training, which is unpaid as well. After which I have to go back to the DMV and take the driving CDL Driving test. If I should pass that, then I am once again in the waiting line for them to call me and give me a job. Should I fail any test I will not be employed.

It is all very frustrating and wears down on my nerves. I've had to borrow money from my parents and while they haven't complained, I hate doing it but I am doing everything I can. And to be safe, I was job hunting from home this morning. There wasn't anything hopeful at all. So I've spent most of the day depressed and battling a fever and runny nose.

The good news, Amanda and I finally have decent internet and she's passed most of the test for the post office. At least she's getting paid and looks to be employed soon.

This can't bode well...

I was called today by work and told that I didn't have to come in. While I was excited that I didn't have to go to work today, I know it can't be a good thing on more than one level. One, I am not getting paid. Two, they don't have a lot of jobs on the floor and I will likely be spending more days at home which goes back to the I won't be getting paid. Not cool!

On top of that I am so tried that I might just need a nap.

Bittersweet dream

While my friend VisualFish had a nightmare, I had a dream I could have sworn was a movie. I remember waking up with the distinct need to go look up a movie called "Something Called Love". Well, I did only there isn't a movie with that title. I thought surely not so I checked amazon and various other sites and still nothing.

Anyway, the reason, I suspect, that I thought it was a movie was that the heroine was Jennifer Gardner (Alias, Electra ect...) and the hero was Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Supernatural, Watchman, ect...). Then there was the hero's brother who was played by the Scottish doctor or scientist from Stargate Atlantis. So you've got a little of the cast of my dream right... The setting, it's a big freaking city. I mean come on, where else do most movies take place.

So Girl meets Guy by chance, don't remember how but they do. He's all dazzling smiles and she's doing the tucking her hair behind her ear thing. They go on a date or two and it's nervous excitement. The girl tells her all her friends what a really great guy he is. They want to know what he does so she calls and he tells her to come by an address after work the next day.

Said girl waits until the next evening after work but here's the kicker. Her throat hurts and her voice is barely there because she slept with her window open all night the night before. So when she arrives at what turns out to be a beautiful confectioners/candy store for some reason some high and mighty mother with bratty kids thinks she's drunk. Girl probably stumbled a little on the way in. So this woman proceeds to chew girl out. Girl manages to get her voice back enough to tell said woman that she should stop assuming the worst of people, that she's here to see one of the owners, she isn't drunk, she's just not feeling very well because she slept with her window open all night and the woman can take her insults and assumptions and shove them where the sun don't shine and hopefully none of her kids will turn out to be a rude and fake as her. The woman gets pisses and takes her kids and storms out of the store.

The brother of our hero rushes up to our heroine and grabs her up in a hug and says he knew she was the one his brother was all mushy hearted about, tells her she pretty and wonderful and blah blah blah and that the hero in the back. So girl goes to the back and sees the hero sitting at a desk injecting himself with something. I don't know what the hell it was, all I know is the hero gets upset because he didn't want her to see. It's drugs but not the bad kind, the medicinal kind. She of course wants to know what's going on and he doesn't want to tell her. So she goes to the brother and brother tells her that he's sick with something, like that helps me right? I got the sense that it was something fatal or near fatal.

So girl wants to take care of him, says he's the best guy she's ever met and doesn't want to lose him. He's a little more reluctant, he didn't mean for this to happen, he shouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place. She says but he did and now he has to suffer the consequences which leads to much smex in the bed. Next day she takes him to her families house which, get this, looks like my grandma's house. Her family are gypsies or something and they do a blessing on him to make him better and insist that the two of them get married and on top of that they give girl and guy fertility charms to make babies. All is fun and fine.

However near the day of the wedding, our hero's health takes a turn for the worst and they move the wedding up and marry in the hospital room. After that I know what happens because I woke up an intense need for pudding and found cat puke with my foot.

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAMS!*

I just called Borders and once again they took my name and number and said that they would tell the hiring manager that I called. I don't know if they even get the message to them and I HAVE been in several times to show them my face. I'm going to be stuck at OLC Global for the rest of my life, I just know it. *head desk head desk head desk*
That's it, I'm going back to bed.

Job seeking

I don't know what it is that is so utterly defeating about looking for a job. Every time I get online to look at the latest local postings on various job search engines I tend to fall into a slight panic/depression. Depression is, I suppose from seeing that nearly everything wanted takes some kind of degree or prior training or knowing they won't hire you because you are too fat or you know you really can't do that job or this job. The panic stems from the horrifying knowledge that I still work OLC and that I'm not getting out of there anytime soon.

I had to go to the doctor because I was having panic attacks before work. They were awful, the kind where you can't stop shaking, almost hyperventilate, and can't stop sobbing. Doc put me on an anxiety medication that seemed to help but not enough and since she has increased the dosage... well, it just made things that much worse. This medication make me stutter sometimes, which in a call center doesn't make for an easy time. SO in trying to alleviate some of the stress, I feel like we just added to it.

And this morning I got on the net to look for some new jobs and... yeah. The only thing I found that I could do is a school bus driving job. They pay well enough for me do it, I can drive with distractions pretty well and know may way around the city. Besides they give you a map with your route on it.

A weird day.

Well we ended up working 10 hours today at work and I basically put my foot down and said we weren't working 10 hours instead of our normal 8 on Sunday unless Amanda and I could have lunch together. As it turns out for those of us who stayed until 11 tonight, were fed yummy subway as a thank you.

Still 10 hours and then I had to go to my mom's to get the only decent skillet I own from her clutches. Luckily Daddy pointed it out to me and I made a safe get away with it. Actually Mom didn't care, she knew it was ours and was glad to have it out of her kitchen.

We ended up staying a little bit to watch Drag Me to Hell. Amanda hadn't seen it before and the last time I saw it my Aunt and Uncle yapped all the way through it so I didn't actually get to watch it.

But finally we made it home and I really didn't feel up to cooking and Amanda feels like she can't cook a thing. So I told her what to make. BBQ Hamburgers with cheese and those crispy onion things you put on green bean casserole. She didn't put BBQ sauce on her but she did mine and it was nummy!

Now are for cats, I have proof on my cell phone that Galen truly is a demon. But I can't get the stupid video I took to move to the card for the computer so I can upload it. Stupid, tricksey phone!

Night at Mom and Dad's house.

Skoora (my significant other) and I crashed at my parents house last night for two reasons. A) To do laundry. B) Because we both knew if we tried to do said laundry and then went home we'd never be awake early enough to get the things we need to get done in the world done. We both work 2ns shift and not getting home until after 11pm only to make dinner and have some wind down time usually puts us at getting to bed around 2 am. That doesn't sound too bad except that sometimes we don't get to bed until 4 or 5 am. Then again that means that we don't get up until around 2pm. It's not that we don't want to be up during the day and doing things, it's that I have to gave at least 8-10 hours of sleep to be functional. I don't mind the need for sleep. It used to be that I couldn't go to sleep, it would take 2-3 hours and then I wouldn't sleep very well at all.

However, today, Skoora and I have too much to do to be sleepy. To start, I have to go wash a coffee pot for my mom and then do my parents dishes to help them out. Also there is their trash to take out and Skoora is helping with the laundry. And errands, stupid bloody, errands have to happen today too. Yuck!

Nap time is scheduled for when we have a minute.

A small look into the world of Market Research from the interviewer/research agent’s POV pt2

PT 2 Market research:

Now the respondents aside, I have experienced several draw backs since becoming a market research agent/interviewer. I am sure this isn't the case with every company but then again it is a corporate business out to make money and that makes them no different from the rest of them.

Day shift for instance is mostly sales. There is a definite difference between the kind of people who do sales and those who just do market research for the company. To put it bluntly, day shift is full of arrogant assholes. One day shifter even remarked how the night shifted needed to watch themselves because day shift were the ones who brought in all the money. This was in response the night shift coming in early on request because we needed extra hours due to more jobs than we had people for, this needing extra call time. Rude right? Anyone do anything about it, nope. Because no one cares.

After being with my company for six months I have noticed other things. There is a profound amount of favoritism between supervisors and employees. They try to hide it and play pretend but really, it's so blatantly obvious. It is really sad when the people who go to work and actually do their job get the shit end of the stick and see people who jerk around get all the perks because a supervisor favors them.

There is a policy on the floor where no one can be friends with a supervisor because it brings forth favoritism, They might as well get rid of that rule since it happens anyway.

On top of that there is absolutely no job security in my company no matter how good you are and how much you follow the rules. Every day I wonder if I am going be fired. they fire people over the most nonsensical things, especially when they are on a firing spree. My particular fear stems from having health issues beyond my control that kept me from working and despite having er statements and doctor's notes clearing me for the days I truly couldn't work, they tell me if I miss another day, I am out of a job.

But the absolutely maddening thing about this company is that they come around asking for extra hours. I've gladly done some. Well, not anymore. The reason is that they never seem to be able to pay me for the extra hours I put in especially if I have to come in during day shift. I have disputed this many times and they either only pay me for half my the time or make of some reason not to. they have also started doing this on my regular paychecks. Needless to say I have started a log on my own and have been keeping track of my own hours to throw at them next time it happens.

As for the surveys, quite a few of them are, in my opinion pretty worthless. PG&E Surveys are utter BS. Gasoline surveys are even worse. I really don't see how those are bettering the products and services available to people. But there are a ton of them that are genuine and frankly if you don't take the surveys and express your opinions about things then I don't feel that you have the right to complain about things later when the company or organization or whatever gives an opportunity for people to get their opinions out there.

So, the next time you decide surveys aren't worth your time, consider the people who have to give them and what they have to deal with on a daily basis.

A small look into the world of Market Research from the interviewer/research agent’s POV pt 1

The point of Market Research is for companies to find out what the public likes and doesn't like about their company or their products as well as to see what they can do to improve what they have and boost their business. Most surveys are designed to learn people's opinions. Some surveys pay and some do not.

First and foremost what I want anyone who stumbles upon this blog to know, is that when you get a call from someone wanting to do a survey, listen to the agent's introduction. Refuse if you feel the need or don't want to take it but do not hang up. That gets you a call back. The best thing to do is let the agent give you a rebuttal or two and politely decline. As long as you've heard the intro and let us rebut at least once or twice, we take you out of the system.

Second, I don't know hoe we get your phone numbers. We are never told. More importantly, the numbers are in a sample that gets run through the captains computer and dialer system to each of our computers. Therefore we have no control who we call or when we call unless there is a scheduled call back time.

Third, don't get your panties in a wad because you are on a do not call list. That only applies to solicitors. Hint: Survey. We aren't trying to sell you anything therefore that do not call list doesn't apply to us. Don't like it get a privacy manager.

Now the first thing you have to know about the company I work for is that they have sections, sales and market research. They also have two shifts. Day shift is primarily sales as I understand it but they also have a some market research as as far as I know that is for businesses rather than residential. Be we will get more in to that in a bit.

When I first became employed with the company I work for at present, I was rather excited. No, I was not thrilled that it was outbound calling, but it was for research so I didn't mind too much. I thought it's research, I'm not selling anything, people should be more willing to talk and give their opinions. How naive of me. Working in a call center that does outbound will teach you a few things about people.

So let's discuss the respondents first, the people we call. As with most people you have the good apples and the rotten. Some people I have spoken with have been amazing and so very interesting. I've often wished I could have stayed on the phone with them all night just to listen to their stories and how they feel about things. Those are my favorite people to interview.

However there have been instance where I have been so shocked and even appalled. People will down right refuse to take a survey because they are watching America Idol or a sports game and get furious with us because we somehow should have known. Are we living with you? Are we watching your daily life? No. We are in a call center in the Midwest in half assed cubicles with shitty computers and outdated equipment that constantly breaks. How the hell are we supposed to know what you are doing?

Other don't want to take survey unless they are being paid or getting something out of it, which in my opinion is selfish, especially when the survey pertains to health clinics in their area as one particular survey we had did. Oh and how I love the ones who say they aren't 18 but sound like they are at least 30 years old. Don't lie to me, just say you aren't interested.

But the worst people are the ones who cuss me out for no good reason other than I dared to call. One man spewed forth narrow minded crap that didn't pertain to anything I was interviewing him for, stated talking about minorities and then talked about gays. Then he proceeded to ask me if I thought gays should be allowed to marry. When I told him politely that I really didn't think it was any of my business, he said and I quote, "You're damned right it's your business you bitch" and hung up on me.

Another man told me that was going to find me, douse me in gasoline, and light me on fire not because he wanted to, he loved me, bit it was the devil who would make him do it.

Other people have screamed at me, threatened to sue me, and so forth and long before I could even get into the survey to see if they were interested in taking it. Other people have been so disgusting as to ask me if I spit or swallow and one pant pretended that his wife was sucking his cock. Luckily I am allowed to hang up on extreme people. That is the only comfort I have when dealing with such infuriating people.

But I have a guilty pleasure, if someone pisses me off bad enough, I schedule their call back for 9 am Saturday morning.

So I hear the CIA made up Al Quaida and it gets better!

I don't know about anyone else but I am fascinated with listening to people far more paranoid than myself and my Dad about world issues. Conspiracy theorists are certainly no exception.

I popped onto Facebook today to see if I needed to feed my Petville cat- yes, I play Petville- and to see what my friends have posted since yesterday. Well, one of my friends posted brief semi-sarcastic message about how we are apparently not at war anymore. Really? Of course, me not keeping up on the news due purposeful lack of television, avoidance of the city paper, and ignoring any internet news since I've had company from Texas, had no idea what was going on and took an interest.

There was, of course, the military wife comment about how the war wasn't over because her husband was still deployed in Iraq. That's an understandable comment, there are plenty of military families waiting for their people to return and some pretty angry that any of this is still going on.

Then there came the conspiracy theorist. I giggled, I really couldn't help it. I know he was being serious and truly believes what he's saying and perhaps its true but surely not all of it. This guy basically said that we fought a war for reasons unknown to Americans. Gee, I thought we were fighting because someone decided it was a good idea to hijack a couple of planes and fly them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, killing a hundreds of innocent people.

The guy went on to state that nothing we were told was actually going on over there. Okay, I'll bite on that one. I'll even bite on his comment that we were there for oil possession but that's been going on for awhile. I don't really buy that the government was using Iraq as a place to train our troops in a 'police state' so they can take over America and while I do believe that the Government is the nation's biggest bunch of drug dealers, I don't think they are helping the Taliban grow opium.

But it gets better, This guy actually believes that the CIA not only created Al Quaida but funds it. He also believes that there are no terrorist threats besides our own government and that the USA isn't a threat to anyone other than North Korea and possibly Israel. I must be out of the loop but I thought we were friends with Israel.

Now what really had me seriously debating whether or not I wanted to piss off said friend who's message line this was all under, was that this guy actually stated that 9/11 was an inside job. Meaning our government was responsible. He started talking about some Arizona thing after that to which there wasn't enough info for me to really ascertain what he was referring to unless its the border issues. He said that 'thing' is only happening because and I quote "the government wants to pass laws to abolish the Constitution, create the North American Union, replace our currency, and enslave us all".

Wow, right? I can sort of see where he thinks the Government wants to abolish the Constitution. They won't leave it alone and are constantly changing it to fit what they need it to fit for the good or ill of the American people. However, I haven't heard anything about a North American Union or a replacement of our currency other than the gov wanting to take the penny away. Enslavement of the American people... okay, maybe, it's possible but it wouldn't happen without fight.

There were some points I seriously wanted to poke at and hash out with this guy but I just don't have the time nor do I think my friend would appreciate such nonsense on her message line. And also, I really didn't think it would be worth befriending the guy to talk via private message only to discuss one issue we both clearly don't agree on. I've got more important things to do like get ready for work...

Speaking of work, I will be posting a little something about it at a later time. You have been warned.

Lift off of an official blog not tied to a forum

Well, I decided that it was time to find and or make myself a decent blog page. In recent years I have had blogs on forums like Live Journal and Y! Gallery and even had a Yahoo 360 account, you know back when it was cool and you could actually post a blog there. Anyway, while I have made some really interesting acquaintances and even friends, after awhile, for some reason or another, I get tired of the crap on the sites or others have puttered off and the reason for being there becomes less appealing than it first was.

So here I am making my first official post to get it rolling. Not sure what all I will be blogging about but I will probably post some old blogs here and there, if I think they are of any value. Otherwise, I might just rant about little things, big things, or nothing at all.